I'm brand new to the sight, found it while studying some things my T kind of let slip while evaluating my mental health.
It appears that my childhood trauma (physical abuse, and distrust in adults) has been affecting me for 20 years. I always knew I was different from the other kids, I always stood out. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I was different. I recently joined the military in an incredibly high stress job that finally broke me to a point that I did the unimaginable, I asked for help.
I was sent to meet my T, she has studied me for 5 months now and I've just started realizing what she's been doing, my underlying issues that have been (somewhat) ruining my entire life.
I'm hypervigilant, but I also suffer from numbness/detachment. It's a very interesting combo. My trauma happened at 2yrs. Old it's literally my first memory. I was abused by my step father every night when my mother left, somehow I was able to tell her one day what he was doing. She didn't believe me. A 2 year old. A liar.
So starts my distrust in adults, and the development of my brain to learn to assess danger and defend itself.
Eventually the truth was found and I was taken away back to my father's, my mom gave me her phone number and dissapeared for 12 years. Suddenly she shows up with my 4 siblings and thinks everything is ok. As a child, I thought it was. However in school I had already outcasted myself. I was already analyzing body language and disassociating myself. It continues till now. I never new I was always looking for the exit, or that I sat/slept facing doorways, that when people stood too close behind me without making a sound, I knew they were there. Loud noises don't affect me, I shrug them off, usually knowing instantly what they were. I carry weapons with me at all times never knowing it was my subconscious preparing to defend itself.
I learned that I did not developed emotions, specifically love. I had only learned to take care of myself and be/stay prepared to do anything at all to live, with no empathy for those around me. Sounds horrible right? Well, I know it is. At first, I thought my childhood had made me incapable of those feelings, but I'm learning to take that armor away from my frontal lobe. Everyone is not out to get me. Not everyone is like me. I'm starting to understand. Thank you, all of you that participate in this forum. We all need a little help, but we can do this together, you've given me that hope. I certainly plan to stay active here, to help in any way I can. We are all different, some of us share the same triggers and symptoms and backgrounds, but we all handle it differently, my best advice so far (from a novice?? Who is this guy?) Get a T who's licensed and understands psychology, it's incredible what your brain has been doing in the background, and it's even more incredible what you can do for yourself with their knowledge and guidance. Stay strong survivors, you've made it through much worse, you can go much farther.
It appears that my childhood trauma (physical abuse, and distrust in adults) has been affecting me for 20 years. I always knew I was different from the other kids, I always stood out. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I was different. I recently joined the military in an incredibly high stress job that finally broke me to a point that I did the unimaginable, I asked for help.
I was sent to meet my T, she has studied me for 5 months now and I've just started realizing what she's been doing, my underlying issues that have been (somewhat) ruining my entire life.
I'm hypervigilant, but I also suffer from numbness/detachment. It's a very interesting combo. My trauma happened at 2yrs. Old it's literally my first memory. I was abused by my step father every night when my mother left, somehow I was able to tell her one day what he was doing. She didn't believe me. A 2 year old. A liar.
So starts my distrust in adults, and the development of my brain to learn to assess danger and defend itself.
Eventually the truth was found and I was taken away back to my father's, my mom gave me her phone number and dissapeared for 12 years. Suddenly she shows up with my 4 siblings and thinks everything is ok. As a child, I thought it was. However in school I had already outcasted myself. I was already analyzing body language and disassociating myself. It continues till now. I never new I was always looking for the exit, or that I sat/slept facing doorways, that when people stood too close behind me without making a sound, I knew they were there. Loud noises don't affect me, I shrug them off, usually knowing instantly what they were. I carry weapons with me at all times never knowing it was my subconscious preparing to defend itself.
I learned that I did not developed emotions, specifically love. I had only learned to take care of myself and be/stay prepared to do anything at all to live, with no empathy for those around me. Sounds horrible right? Well, I know it is. At first, I thought my childhood had made me incapable of those feelings, but I'm learning to take that armor away from my frontal lobe. Everyone is not out to get me. Not everyone is like me. I'm starting to understand. Thank you, all of you that participate in this forum. We all need a little help, but we can do this together, you've given me that hope. I certainly plan to stay active here, to help in any way I can. We are all different, some of us share the same triggers and symptoms and backgrounds, but we all handle it differently, my best advice so far (from a novice?? Who is this guy?) Get a T who's licensed and understands psychology, it's incredible what your brain has been doing in the background, and it's even more incredible what you can do for yourself with their knowledge and guidance. Stay strong survivors, you've made it through much worse, you can go much farther.
