Childhood My Abuse And My Mother

[MyLostStarGirl]

I didn't realize until I was almost an adult that I was being abused. I know. My mom is good. Manipulative. Controlling. Just the right amount of loving. Never saw it coming. Or rather happening. Nobody did. It started out simple enough, with her drinking. Then I was watching my younger siblings and didn't have time to do chores and we irresponsible and lazy. Worthless at the age of eleven for not vaccuming, doing dishes and watching a one year old. My brother was diagnosed autistic, I stopped going to school because of my own disabilities at fourteen. I cooked, cleaned, watched the kids, stopped my mom and her husband from fighting in front of the little ones. I didn't do something and her rage turned to me. Our rooms weren't spotless? We where disrespectful, ungrateful, little shits. Her beer was.empty? Better go fetch her one. I got my first boyfriend at fifteen and she did everything in her power to sabotage that. Eventually convincing me he was cheating on me. three failed relationships over the next four years all ending in some way by my mothers hand once I started straying to far from her reach. I moved in to my fathers house, started college, found a new freedom. Started to see a pattern in her behavior when I spoke to her, then in my memories. I met my husband and refused to let this relationship die at her hands. I spoke openly with him about her and we were prepared when she tried to end yet another of my relationships. Bring up past boyfriends, one still loves me! Trying to convince me he was up to something because he chose to go play poker instead of have dinner with her...on and on. To this day she still tries every now and then. I think it is so ingrained in her she doesn't even realize she does the things she does. She refuses to get help because she is perfect. She has no problems.(excuse the sarcasm) Most days I am okay, because of the years of therapy that is ongoing. Some days though, days I speak to her, the past come rushing back. I am twelve years old again standing in our living room as she yells in my face about what a 'worthless, irresponsible, stupid, child I am for not doing the dishes. I am a ungrateful brat, why don't I just go live with my dad? Clearly I don't love her. She is a shitty mother'....I would be up until two in the morning comforting her.
She will ask me why I can't just get over the past? How many times does she have to apologize? How long am I going to hate her? The truth is I don't know. I don't hate her, but I kinda do. I know I'm an awful person. but I love my husband mother more then my own. It doesn't matter how many times she says sorry because she is STILL doing the same thing. She won't get help, she doesn't understand...she thinks she made hard choices, and a few mistakes. I don't believe she will ever understand that she abused me. That she continues to abuse me. No apology can ever make up for that and make everything okay.

 

[Fayne Jane]

Had a really hard EMDR yesterday bringing up unknown memories now I am numb. How many sessions does it take

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@MyLostStarGirl I hear you. A similar childhood like yours. I didn't become aware of the abuse until I turned 30 years old and my world comes crashing down. I quit all communication with my parents. It was way too much too handle. I had to make a choice I will either die or I will get better. I chose my life over my parents. It's been over 2 years and I am still going to therapy and dealing with the memories of the abuse. But things are beginning to brighten up.

 

[Llith]

I am struggling with this at the moment. My parents cannot stand to think of what happened as abuse and yet it was. I struggle to comprehend the fact I was abused pretty much from when I was born. My dad's excuse was he was depressed, my mum was she was dealing with dad who was depressed.

I very well remember being screamed at for not washing the dishes and accused of many horrible things for not doing some random thing at the right time. My whole life was a guessing game, and now my mum challenges me that I have therapy at the moment and thinks I should quit because I am dependant.

Idk, keep asking myself of you can still be friends with people who would do that to you.

Sorry you went through all that, I am the same; years of therapy later and I am doing better in some ways but the flash backs are still very real. Well done for getting so far though!

 

[MyLostStarGirl]

Had a really hard EMDR yesterday bringing up unknown memories now I am numb. How many sessions does...

Nobody is the same. I guess we all just fumble through blindly until one day isn't as bad as the day before. We have each other though. We are not fumbling through the dark alone and I find comfort in that. I hope you can as well.