Roughly 15 years ago I was mugged/attacked walking home with friends. I have some memories from before, though how much of that is me actually remembering or based on the recollection of my friends I don't know. And I can remember getting to a friend's house, waiting in the emergency room, having some guy stich me up and then getting home afterwards. But it's more hazy and dream-like, almost like a slideshow. I don't know what happened, according to my friends they later found me behind a hedge that was too high to climb over and too dense to get through. I don't remember if they did any tests/scans at the hospital, but I don't think so. I also can't remember what the attackers look like,, which as I'm writing this seems odd, since they had been sitting with us at the beach for an hour or two before.
Anyway, no one seemed to be bothered that I couldn't remember anything, the scars weren't that bad and ultimately I moved on. In 2006 I left my hometown and moved to the US. In 2009 I was diagnosed with ADD by a psychiatrist and she prescribed ADD medications for me until I moved back home a few years ago. Shortly after, I increasingly started having more difficulty falling asleep, sleeping well or through the night, and once in a while I would wake up covered in sweat. I put it down to the climate (no AC..), nightmares, the bed/pillow, or the changed meds and dosage (since the same aren't available in Europe unfortunately). I started to hate people ringing the door, because I would either wake with a racing pulse or startle/freeze feeling like I was just caught doing something naughty. In the beginning I tried various mattresses, pillows and started taking melatonin. I also started using earplugs, which helped but also made me feel more anxious. I noticed I always slept better when I wasn't in my hometown: I had no trouble falling sleep, I was more rested and I didn't startle as often.
Then starting around this Easter weekend, I wasn't able to fall asleep at all. I lay awake for hours, and if I managed to doze off for a moment, something always woke me within an hour. A few times I managed to catch some sleep around 10/11am. Then the other day I was jolted awake, heart pounding, by a tiny pop of an expanding water bottle, even though I was using the ear plugs. That episode kept bugging me, because of the incredible overreaction and also because I realized how often simple things like a neighbor slapping a door close would startle/almost freak me out. When I stumbled over a list of PTSD symptoms somewhere and I saw the "exaggerated startle response" listed, the assault immediately came to mind.
My first search was for memory loss in combination with PTSD and at first the results looked promising. But they all referred to key details or memories missing, or not being able to recall details weeks after the event. Or just having vague feelings. I also read about people thinking/inferring something may have had happened to them based on triggers, nightmares etc. I know something happened, I have memories from before and jumbled ones from hours after. But nothing from what actually happened. Not back then and not now. Not even some vague feeling or image, nor the length or time. Or how they look like, after sitting across from them for an hour or two. At the trial I didn't even feel anything consciously or subconsciously when I looked at them and gave my statement.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read all of this. I'm looking into psychiatrists for some expert opinion and/or help, but in the meantime I was hoping for some feedback. I've read that PTSD sometimes might get misdiagnosed as ADD, and a lot of the other symptoms fit or make sense looking at them from this perspective (trouble sleeping in my hometown, but not anywhere else for example), but I'm not going to start diagnosing myself ;). And describing what happened in the first paragraph left me feeling anxious and restless, which took me a while to realize.
So, is this something I should bring up, or is PTSD dependent upon some/any recollection or memory?
And should I be concerned about a complete memory loss, even 15 years later? I used to just shrug it aside, now it has me a little worried.
Anyway, no one seemed to be bothered that I couldn't remember anything, the scars weren't that bad and ultimately I moved on. In 2006 I left my hometown and moved to the US. In 2009 I was diagnosed with ADD by a psychiatrist and she prescribed ADD medications for me until I moved back home a few years ago. Shortly after, I increasingly started having more difficulty falling asleep, sleeping well or through the night, and once in a while I would wake up covered in sweat. I put it down to the climate (no AC..), nightmares, the bed/pillow, or the changed meds and dosage (since the same aren't available in Europe unfortunately). I started to hate people ringing the door, because I would either wake with a racing pulse or startle/freeze feeling like I was just caught doing something naughty. In the beginning I tried various mattresses, pillows and started taking melatonin. I also started using earplugs, which helped but also made me feel more anxious. I noticed I always slept better when I wasn't in my hometown: I had no trouble falling sleep, I was more rested and I didn't startle as often.
Then starting around this Easter weekend, I wasn't able to fall asleep at all. I lay awake for hours, and if I managed to doze off for a moment, something always woke me within an hour. A few times I managed to catch some sleep around 10/11am. Then the other day I was jolted awake, heart pounding, by a tiny pop of an expanding water bottle, even though I was using the ear plugs. That episode kept bugging me, because of the incredible overreaction and also because I realized how often simple things like a neighbor slapping a door close would startle/almost freak me out. When I stumbled over a list of PTSD symptoms somewhere and I saw the "exaggerated startle response" listed, the assault immediately came to mind.
My first search was for memory loss in combination with PTSD and at first the results looked promising. But they all referred to key details or memories missing, or not being able to recall details weeks after the event. Or just having vague feelings. I also read about people thinking/inferring something may have had happened to them based on triggers, nightmares etc. I know something happened, I have memories from before and jumbled ones from hours after. But nothing from what actually happened. Not back then and not now. Not even some vague feeling or image, nor the length or time. Or how they look like, after sitting across from them for an hour or two. At the trial I didn't even feel anything consciously or subconsciously when I looked at them and gave my statement.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read all of this. I'm looking into psychiatrists for some expert opinion and/or help, but in the meantime I was hoping for some feedback. I've read that PTSD sometimes might get misdiagnosed as ADD, and a lot of the other symptoms fit or make sense looking at them from this perspective (trouble sleeping in my hometown, but not anywhere else for example), but I'm not going to start diagnosing myself ;). And describing what happened in the first paragraph left me feeling anxious and restless, which took me a while to realize.
So, is this something I should bring up, or is PTSD dependent upon some/any recollection or memory?
And should I be concerned about a complete memory loss, even 15 years later? I used to just shrug it aside, now it has me a little worried.
