Issues With Therapist

[UnicornSightings]

@The Albatross for me not agreeing with people and getting angry is progress....

I disagree with you that getting angry and confronting people is progress. It seems you've gone from being afraid of people and not saying anything to being afraid of vulnerability and masking that with anger. Relationships will be broken with your current approach. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who always confronted me, who was in constant attack mode. Would YOU want that? From where I'm at now, I think healthy relationships are build on openness and honesty and true vulnerability. I see only your defenses here. I used to be incredibly defensive so I get it, I really do. It seems your therapist isn't just being a pushover and is trying to soften you a bit. Therapy is not a race. It can take some time to figure things out and sit with where we are and if it's working for us. If money is such an obstacle how have you been managing so far? Clearly you've been paying for it so what's up with that belief that you don't have enough money to keep it going? Are there other areas where you can cut your budget and make this work with you relaxing into these sessions and keeping and open mind? Therapy is about getting into those vulnerable areas with gentle kindness. Not direct, in-your-face harshness. You deserve to be treated with softness. Therapy is where you can get it. Maybe consider why you are so adamant about not trying it out her way. Really trying it. Maybe you can make a deal with her where you do things her way for 2 months. Dig deep. And then, if nothing changes, then you move on. Money comes and goes. It will always come back to you. Think about if maybe that's an excuse you're using to get out of the work you don't want to do.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

What are your clear goals for therapy? Your therapist works for you, and you're starting to communicate...

My goals are to process the negative memories about myself. I told her this the first session. I don't want her to push me through processing I know that is not how it works. I want her to do the actual EDMR with me instead of just chatting each session and "taking sessions for things to integrate". Things integrate between therapy sessions and in therapy. Again she is great about the EMDR part and I allow her and she allow me to stay with feelings and to take the time I need. She is great about being present and kind during the processing I love that about her. I've told her that in person and I've written it in the email. However, she does not stay on track or she wants to spend over 30 minutes on preparing for processing of the memory. From my experience working with her and EMDR no matter how much we prepare for processing and the negative belief and emotions and the positive belief during processing these things change. The memory gets processed. The problem is when she takes a long time to prepare for processing there is less time for processing. That is my point and it has been validated by others. I've read about EDMR. I asked around. Even the new therapist I got told me her sessions are an hour sometimes they go over 15 minutes and she does not extra charge for that. I am frustrated because my therapists are dragging things and this is not a defense mechanism it is me being authentic.

@UnicornSightings I would not want to be around people who are always confronting me about stuff but sometimes yes. Sometimes confrontation is necessary and getting angry is necessary. You assumed there that I am always angry although that is not the case. I wrote about that in my posts. I do want to be able to have authentic and honest communication that also means getting angry when I feel someone did me something wrong.

I feel great about myself right now. I feel centered and grounded. Even all your comments can not change my mind about this. I feel that I did the right thing. I am standing up for myself. So what if I am not doing it perfectly and not taking everyone's consideration and feelings in mind. Do they always do that? NO. Do I have to be perfect in every interaction? No, I don't have to be. Do I have to assert myself in my best possible way always? NO, I don't have to. Thank you, folks. This helped me clarified things with myself and feel good about myself.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Therapists are not perfect neither am I. For me, this is being authentic and being seen. My "darker side" or less than perfect side is showing up and anyone who has been in relationship or friendship or work knows that the less than perfect side does show up. If you are not honest about this you are deceiving yourself. I am sure you've sent angry emails, you've been angry with your therapist, you've considered switching therapist and have switched therapists because things were not working. The same goes for any relationship. I am certain that you have not always acted perfectly. It is easier to sit and judge but when reality hits things are different. Again if you don't admit this to yourself you are deceiving yourself. I have the courage to admit it that I am less than perfect.

 

[kilted]

Clear goals can be part of therapy.... there is a kind of therapy called "Transactional Analysis" that has a thing called "contracting" at its core. This is an explicit contract about the therapy, what the goals are, what the sessions are about, what the business arrangements are.... the whole works. It sounds like this might be more what you are looking for.... but ensure you get a "classic" transactional analyst, not a relational one. You might even find one that does EMDR.... but don't expect them to be cheaper.

However even with this explicitness, TA has developed a matrix of 4 types of contract...... if you search for "Charlotte Sills contracting matrix" on google you should find some info on this. It looks like you want a "behavioural contract" where you are wanting to change aspects of your behaviour... this needs a high level of self awareness and verifiable sensory based outcomes. If you have not been explicit about the outcomes and demonstrated high levels of self awareness the behavioural contract isn't the right one for you. The alternative might be the "clarifying contract" where the goals are still verifiable and easily stated but your knowledge about how to get there is less developed.

Also you seem to think that you can have contact with your therapist out of hours..... in the UK this is not common.... none of my therapists have allowed contact apart from basic appointment stuff (one never even answered the phone.. clients left a message then she got back in touch) .... maybe your therapist is like this..... but you are right that it should be explicit.

Likewise you may feel that you are paying way more for 90 minutes instead of 60..... but I would expect you to be paying double the 60 minute fee for 90 minutes.... You want 90 minutes because it suits you..... you pay for 120, because your extra 30 minutes uses half the following 60 minute appointment slot, making it unsellable.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Thank you. I looked it up and I love this part:
"And there is something else that is highlighted by the contract, something unconscious and unspoken. That is the fact that if we need a contract, we are acknowledging a ‘me’ and a ‘you’ – two subjectivities in a relationship. In making contracts, we are facing the existential reality that we are separate and different and we may have different desires – and yet we are also connected and can join in mutual commitment. At best, coaching engages with that challenge of an existential encounter, resisting the pull of familiar patterns."

I am used to having a contract and working based on that. It gives me some sense of certainty and peace of mind. It also helps me focus on clear goals. I know what to expect each session. With my current therapists, she wants to explore and is not dedicated to a goal. For me when I am set on a goal it is easier to get rid of distractions and focus on what matters. With her what happens is that if I tell her something she asks me how I feel about saying that. I feel like she is not taking me seriously if I don't see her changing the behavior towards working on what I want.

In the US communication outside therapy depends on the therapist's preferences and it needs to be stated.

Charging for the session does not work that way. They used that kind of model in the USA for billing the health insurance company cause I pay out of pocket does not apply to me. If I pay out of pocket I always have a choice to find another therapist.

 

[Suzetig]

Clear goals can be part of therapy.... there is a kind of therapy called "Transactional Analysis" that has a thing called "contracting" at its core.

In fairness any therapy I've been involved in has contracting at its core - some contracts are more formally stated than others but there's always a clear understanding of session length, cost and focus of work, that's not a concept unique to TA.

If you're saying you think you're being unfairly charged maybe you need to ask her directly how she's calculated your fee for the extended session. As kilted says some will charge for the whole of the next session because they can't book anyone for half an hour and some will simply pro rata their fee. You say the Montreal T will go over by 15 mins and not charge - is it your expectation that your sessions will routinely be 75 mins long or that she'll occasionally go over if the session needs the time?

 

[Deleted member 28942]

focus of work [is missing on her behalf].

You say the Montreal T will go over by 15 mins and not charge - is it your expectation that your sessions will routinely be 75 mins long or that she'll occasionally go over if the session needs the time?

I am angry because she takes too much time to chit chat about my week and starts talking about how things have been and taking notes and preparing for processing instead of doing the actual processing. In addition, sometimes while she is taking down notes about the EMDR target she will side track and start talking with me about some other issue that she notices and that takes extra time. I am also angry because there are therapists that charge less and do the same work as her and are focused on resolving memories. I talked on the phone with the therapists in Montreal I told her exactly what I want:
"I want each session to be EMDR and to be focused on processing a single memory. I will come prepared with the memory I want to work on. Will you be willing to work with me this way?" She said, "Yes I can work that way." She asked me some other questions around safety I reassured her that I am stable and I have lots of resources (journaling, painting, creativity, prayers, church, etc) to deal with difficult feelings between sessions. I don't have any addictions and I am not harming myself or anyone else. Once I told her that she said OK. She told me she does one session per week. Her sessions are 60 minutes but with EMDR they are extended when needed for 15 minutes and she does not charge for that. We scheduled a session and I am seeing her. So I think I am getting what I am paying for.

Also, I asked a friend of a friend who goes to another therapist that does EMDR here in town and she told me that her therapist is focused on the goals/targets and she had a large picture and each session they work on a single memory and that her therapist told her that her clients usually need a year of EMDR and then only follow-up sessions as needed. In addition, she told me that her therapist is focusing on the big picture. I feel like my therapist is focusing sometimes on small insignificant details of my life. I don't know what she thinks or why she asks me because she does not tell me. If she were direct things would be easier and I would not have to mind read or guess. Instead, she hesitates and suggests to explore things in a different way or to try something.
I find this deceiving because my mom used to do this kind of stuff and I told her about it and she does not listen. That is why I went with being very direct and specific in my email. She does not have to agree with everything I am asking but I want honest answers. I don't want sugar coated, non-judgemental, scripted, rehearsed responses. Her responses are always about how this would be better for me or how I would benefit from it but never about what she wants. Last time in session when I was telling her about my need to get things done fast she interrupted me to tell me that she sometimes feels rushed that she wants to work differently. I was like why you have not told me that. She does observe stuff about me but I do observe stuff about her too. I've noticed in the past that when she is hesitating about stuff she is not fully honest. And people not being honest with me pisses me off.

 

[qwyoey]

Have you discussed transference issues with this therapist or another therapist regarding your mother, trust, honesty etc?

My concern is the amount of anger should be appropriate to the injury. In this instance I feel your anger is mismatched and in some instanced misdirected. It's a therapist's job to hold a safe space and to be nonjudgmental.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

No, because I know all those stuff but it is not working. EMDR is really working for me. I told her many times. My back pain is gone I wake up happier and more driven. However, as I already described in the multiple posts she is not focused on specific memories and almost every session I keep telling her the memory I want to work on using EMDR and almost every session she tries to shift the focus towards exploring instead of EMDR. I am persistent and I tell her "Let's process this memory I am ready". After that, she agrees but with hesitation. I hate this struggle. It reminds me of me being a kid and my mom not letting me do what I want although I told her what I want and instead I have to sit with her and talk about the day, her problems, and how I feel and she feels. I would want to go outside and play or do something that other kids are doing but she is not letting me. That is how I feel about the therapy.

Anyhow, she responded this morning that she got my email and she will respond when time allows. I am fine with her telling me "I am willing to adjust and work the way you want" I am also fine with her telling me "No, I will not work the way you want me to work this is how I work and I am not gonna change that". I am also fine with her telling me "I want you to give me feedback in session and to pay for that session" I am fine with her giving me a reason why she wants more experiential way instead of EMDR. I've asked her this questions before and she has only given me vague answers. I am fine with any answer as long as it is direct and honest. That way I will know and I will be able to make a decision. If she is honest and direct I can be direct and honest with her and I will trust her more and respect her. I might not agree to continue working with her but I would value her more. I am waiting for her response. When I get it I will share what I can here.

 

[Nessa7]

You can be experiencing transference and also be incompatible with your current therapist. Both of those things can be true simultaneously. You've said many times that you're experiencing transference and that it effects how you are interacting with your therapist. Ignoring that doesn't seem very helpful to me. There is no guarantee that the same thing won't happen with your new therapist.

 

[qwyoey]

After that, she agrees but with hesitation. I hate this struggle. It reminds me of me being a kid and my mom not letting me do what I want although I told her what I want and instead I have to sit with her and talk about the day, her problems, and how I feel and she feels. I would want to go outside and play or do something that other kids are doing but she is not letting me. That is how I feel about the therapy.

Have you said this specifically to her? I think it would be helpful.

I think with any professional you meet you can do just what you want, but a great therapist is going to be able to see a bigger picture to the work you are doing. Maybe that's not what is best for you at this time, but I think your anger is actually good int hat it is opening a door to something I think is pretty big. But there is more to anger than just being angry, or having the right to be angry...there could be more anger, destruction, or perhaps understanding and healing. To me, from all that you have written in your thread, the bigger need you seem to be expressing is that you don't want to be treated like you where when you were a child. You want to be heard. You want to understand the situation, the terms, the agreements, and whether or not your therapeutic alliance is honest. I don't think that need will be met unless you ask other questions of your current or future therapist. Now that you are capable of expressing anger, you have to figure out how to assert yourself for your best interest. And I can tell you, and I think many will agree, we don't always know what our best interest is. It's great that you can be direct regarding the needs you listed. But I think you left a lot unsaid that should be said for your own growth. This will pop up and repeat itself in other situations. Therapy is where you work this out safely.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Thanks, people. Your advices helped me to work through some of my issues and I sent her this email where I clarified what is going on:

"Thanks. I am waiting for your response.

In the meanwhile, I got support from my online support group and some of them confronted me about transference issues and part of that might be true. This is how I perceive out sessions and this is also related to me and my mom. I come to therapy and I tell you which memory I want to work on using EMDR you don't tell me that you don't want to use EMDR instead of you suggest we explore or try something different. I see this as deceptive. Why because I am direct and you are shifting the focus and taking away my power. The exact same thing would happen with my mom. I would come home from school excited to tell her something or I would want to do something she would want me to sit down with her and talk first and be a good boy. I will tell her what I want to talk or do she would tell me lets try something else or do something else. I would tell her what I want for a birthday she will start guessing and tell me I can't really want that I probably want something else. She will ask me why I did something I will tell her honestly she will question that or ask questions around that "to understand". What I wanted from her is that she trust me when I tell her the truth and when I tell her what I want. She would keep on trying to guess what is it that I am not telling her although I've told her everything I know. She would ask me is that all in her faked kind voice and pisses me off. You act similarly although your intentions are not bad I still perceive it that way. The stuff about money is true too. I will feel ready and excite to do something my mom would try to hold me down and that is what happening in therapy. I don't trust you to share my precious memories about my aunt or other people that have loved me because you are violating my trust by not giving me what I want. I am not willing to be vulnerable about very precious memories and feelings if the person cannot be honest with me and giving me what I want.

I want when I tell you that I am ready to work on a specific memory to work on that memory and resolve it using EMDR in one session. For me, that is straightforward, goal oriented. That is where I need you to trust me. Later if we run out of memories to work on using EMDR we can do experiential stuff or not. I want to have the choice here. I don't want you to teach me how to communicate. I can get that for free in life, from my friends, coworkers, books, and at work, or even at group therapy. I find that more real test of the outcome of therapy because I don't pay those people to talk to me.

Anyhow, be honest so I can decide whether we will continue working together or not. State the conditions under which you are willing to work or how you are willing to work that way I can make an honest decision."