Skepticism

[Intrepid]

I just watched a video on You Tube that described an experience with being sexually abused. Your Healing from Incest - Kati Morton & Paul Gilmartin At the beginning I listened with skepticism because I'm skeptical about what happened to me. Then Paul described his mom giving him a bath. That made my stomach churn. What I went through made me feel exactly the same as he felt.

When I was 13 I started drinking to numb the pain. I got sober when I was 26, which was 28 years ago, and have numbed out in other ways since then using video games, porn, food, or just plain isolation.

Now I'm in EMDR. It's so painful, but in a different way. It's bringing the feelings of shame to the surface, where they can heal. It's like physical therapy. It takes a lot of work and it can really hurt. But there's no short cut. It's not a quick fix, like numbing is. It doesn't change everything. It changes little things, and little things add up.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Are you happy or satisfied with the therapy? Do you feel like you're finally on the road to real healing or is the pain acceptable simply because it's a different type of pain?

 

[Intrepid]

That's a good question. Today the pain of therapy comes when I offer up resistance, and then have to work through it. When I leave therapy I feel like I worked out. I'm exhausted. I often feel the pain of the trauma and of the work out. I can't say the pain of the trauma is getting better, but that's not what I use to judge my progress right now.

It's real healing. On a weekly basis I'm surprised by some little change at work or at home that shows me that I'm as stuck as I used to be.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I think it's great you're able to be identify things like this. You are making great steps forward. It is exhausting work for sure.

It is important that you don't measure the progress by the pain you feel. Pain is part of dealing with trauma. It's horrible but comes with finally facing issues head on. That is part of the healing.

You might try writing down the changes as they come. It's always rewarding to be able to look back and see the progress when things aren't so sunny.

Hang in there. You're awesome!

 

[NightSky]

I think it's great you're able to be identify things like this. You are making great steps forward. I...

Wow. Not measuring progress by the level of pain is a game changing thought for me. Thanks for writing that.
And I love the suggestion of keeping track of those small changes.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I really do hope it helps. You're right. The small things snowball too. They get bigger and bigger. The tunnel doesn't have quite as many black parts.

Hang in there. You're more than worth it!