No Where to Go, and Having Difficulty Getting Professional Support

[ANCHOR]

LMAO, again...

I'm with her, trapped! Let's hear that motto loud and clear again!:occasion:

 

[Cate]

Come on, trapped....you have to practice....I'm doing it right now. BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSE BIATCH!!!! I'm loving it. Woo Hoo! BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSE BIATCH!! :occasion:

Make it your mantra. :thumbs-up

Cate

 

[trapped]

:stupid: BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSE BIATCH!

hehe, how's that? :)

Mina- it's my new T's supervisor. I'm really struggling to take care of myself and ground myself. So far I've tried a bunch of stuff that didn't work, then slept through this afternoon after taking an overdose of xanax... that wasn't as helpful as I thought it'd be...

I've got a friend coming to visit in like an hour, and she's gonna be staying here. It really sucks, I just wanna be left alone right now. I just wanna be able to take more xanax and sleep for a few days straight- which is funny, since I didn't want to sleep last night, but dealing with everything right now is too much.

It's really hard too, cuz she knew how bad off I was when I left on Friday... tho hell, even a 5 year old would have been able to tell that, since ending on the note of "oh, so your fiance killed himself and it was your fault... oops, we're out of time, well good luck trying to deal with that now..." typically means really shitty weekend. Maybe it's just me, but if I were the therapist, I probably would have called my client that night anyway even if they didn't call me, cuz that's not a nice can of worms to open up right at the end of a session, especially over a weekend when it's harder to get help... but that's why she gave me the numbers for her and her supervisor, and told me to call, she even told me leave a message if no one answers and if I didn't hear back within 20 minutes, to try calling and leaving another message... so yeah, I left several messages, but I waited more than the 20 minutes. Grrr.... I've got a letter to her though that I'm dropping off FIRST THING on Monday morning. I wrote it last night, but changed a few things tonight- I told her I was going to do things like bring in Darwin, that I wasn't gonna ask permission and was just gonna do it- and then practiced my motto a few times throughout the letter, telling her exactly what she could do if she didn't like the 'rules' I have for continuing to come to therapy (i.e. stopping 10-15 minutes before the end of the session to check in and see how I'm doing, not bringing up new, difficult material so close to the end of the session, letting me bring Darwin, no more mixed messages). I said I really wanted to continue to see her, but if she didn't agree to little things like that (which I don't think are that unreasonable, right?) then she could BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSE, BIATCH! :crazy:

 

[her_indoors43]

:rofl:TRAPPPPEDDDDD........ BLOODY BEAUTIFUL MATE.....:thumbs-up


:rofl:OH GOD THAT IS SO REFRESHING TO READ WOW....AWESOME STUFF TRAPPED HOW EMPOWERING FOR YOU....

get up and do a little dance behind your computer chair...SISTER...I AM

:hello: :clap:

 

[trapped]

Thanks her!

hahaha oh god... I just hope I don't lose the guts to give it to her... that's why it's being taken in FIRST THING on Monday. I mean like right at 8am, and if no one is there I will wait or slide it under the door or something. Haven't heard back from her yet on changing back to my original appointment time (since the new time doesn't work for me, and I only agreed to the change cuz I was afraid of her), although maybe it's best if I don't see her Monday.... I like Fridays, I know her supervisor isn't in the office then... otherwise if I go in Monday morning and tell her supervisor to blow it out her arse when she opens her mouth to start to say something to me... I don't see my T's reaction (or her sup's) going all that well :rofl:

 

[Mina]

Your boundaries are not at ALL unreasonable, Trapped. They're really good. Stick to 'em!!

She doesn't want you to bring Darwin?!? What?!? That's messed up...good grief. And letting you leave the office after ending on such a hugely negative note is seriously irresponsible. She really needs to be keeping better track of the time, and transitioning the session to a more neutral ending. Or at least giving you an "assignment" that will counteract the negative ending.

Anchor brought up really good points as well. My add to that would be that it was inappropriate for the supervisor to give you the excuses she did. I'm sure many of their clients have already been conditioned to think that everything is their fault, and saying things like that is only guilt-tripping them.

 

[ANCHOR]

Oh my God, LMAO!

I am so proud of you guys! Injecting humor and power into this trying situation...It's just awesome! :occasion:

I think I made a pact to never pay for counseling after my experiences with counselors. I figured if it was to be mediocre at best...I should get it for free...but I am lucky as they have programs for women here that I can take advantage of. But since I entered them I have received useful support and suggestions. I feel stronger and I am lot more comfortable telling people to

:naughty:BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSE BIATCH!:rofl:

CHEERS, YOU GUYS!:occasion::rofl:

 

[trapped]

I am so thankful for church... my friend who is visiting went this morning, I did not though she tried to convince me to come. I need space even from my friends I like a lot- I'm not the type of person who can hang out with someone 24/7 and do all the same things they're doing. She stressed me out a lot by unloading a lot of her garbage on me this morning when she woke up, I was happy to be there for her and listen and do what I could, but it stirred up a lot of issues in me, a lot of anxiety. I found the perfect way to deal with that anxiety today though... I'm spending today working on a new drawing. The drawing is going to be for a t-shirt design. I just need help with one thing... do I have my motto on the front of the t-shirt, or the back of it? I want to make the shirt today if I can do a good enough job, just in case I need a bit of help remembering to stand up for myself when I go to the counseling center on Monday ;)

Hmm... maybe we should try to convince Anthony to start a clothing line?

 

[trapped]

She doesn't want you to bring Darwin?!? What?!? That's messed up...good grief.

I had written her a letter of important things I thought would be good for her to know, and things that'd make her job a LOT easier, like what's worked in the past, what hasn't, etc. I kept it short and summarized, but I had some instructors who have their own therapy practices look over what I wrote, and they said it was perfect, that they wish more clients would do things like that, and said I should give it to her. I brought it up on Friday at the beginning of the session, and she was REALLY against the idea, but kept evading my attempts to get her to answer WHY... I thought that was sort of dumb... and with Darwin, I'm "an adult"... I was pissed on Friday, she even took all the pillows that are normally on the couch out of the room before I came, so I couldn't hide behind those...

She is just an intern... so she's still learning. It doesn't mean she's not as good as a licensed psych (in my experience, I've known a LOT of interns that were WAY better than most licensed therapists!). It just means she's still learning. So maybe she's still learning to keep a better eye on the time so I'm going to give her another chance and just talk to her nicely about that (I swear though, if she tries to tell me I need to help watch the time too- which by the way, is difficult when you're dissociating- I'll HELP her blow it out her arse!). She did do a good job of looking out for me on the 4th and over that entire weekend. I did make a lot of progress with her in a short amount of time. There are a lot of good things about her... she's better than the last couple of T's I've had... I'm also trying really hard to assert what my needs are though, and to find someone else if she can't meet those needs. And yes, my needs include Darwin coming to sessions with me- even if I am a freakin' adult. Hell, even the residential program I'm trying to go to, that would have been a deal breaker if they said Darwin can't come. The director of the residential program encouraged me to bring Darwin (to the program- but also to therapy... she said even if the therapist objects and tells me not to bring him in, to still bring him the next time lol).

 

[trapped]

Blow it out your arse, biatch

:poke:

Blow it out your arse, Biatch!

:doh:

BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSE, BIATCH!

:stupid:

BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSE, BIATCH!

:clap: I feel a bit better now:thumbs-up

Sorry... needed the practice lol... my phone rang and I about died from a heart attack or something with all the anxiety, I was terrified it was my therapist. They left a message, whoever it was. It was a blocked number, so I doubt it was my therapist... wanted to practice before I talked to her, or even checked my voicemail messages.

It shouldn't feel that good to practice, should it? lol... I admittedly wasn't 100% coherent when I was in chat on Friday, I was having a rough time of things and was fading in and out of this weird gray area that exists between dissociated and coherent... so I don't remember all the details of chat, but I do remember most (I think) though the most vivid memory is how STUPID I felt when I was told to practice typing out to tell my T to blow it out her arse... and then how GREAT it felt to type that. I was really surprised, honestly. It feels even better if you say it out loud as you type it ;)

I'm seriously tempted to just mail the letter I wrote my T, and call the center and leave a message saying I'm sick and can't make it in at all this week or something... that'll give the letter time to get there and give her time to read it, and it'll give me time to not have to be there when she reads it, and I'm worried about dropping it off Monday morning and if I see her a few hours later Monday, I'm worried she'll have read everything right before I come... I don't want that. At all. Yeah, I think I like the pretending to be sick idea.... I'm really bad with this whole standing up for myself stuff, especially with therapists for some reason... I think I really need to make myself that shirt and wear it in to therapy tomorrow... I have an instructor that has an office right above my therapist's office. I should see if he's gonna be around tomorrow, if I actually made and wore a "BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSE, BIATCH!" shirt, he'd get a kick out of seeing me wearing it and walking around lol

One of the most important things I need to give my T, is a written notice that I'm revoking my authorization for her to talk to my doctor. Because 1) I want to use a different doctor anyway, since the doc I was seeing was treating me like a prick... when I told him I had changed therapists after finding this new one, after she helped me SO MUCH over the 4th and on the first two days of this past week, he became a jerk and said I should have stuck with the other one, that I'm an adult and can handle the fireworks on my own and shouldn't have needed this new T or her supervisor to talk me through them, and he made me feel like I didn't deserve to be treated with respect by anyone, he made me feel like I deserved... well, basically what I felt on Friday... and 2) I felt bullied in to signing the release. That's the only reason I signed it. I don't think it's good for the start of a therapeutic alliance to be built on bullying and forcing someone into doing something. I don't think that's healthy. And so I don't think it's healthy for me to just let her talk to the doctor- even though that would be WAY easier. Even though I really don't want her to, it would be WAY WAY WAY easier to just shut up and say whatever the form is already signed, and not revoke my authorization. The only reason I'd be not revoking it though, is because I'm afraid of what she'll say when I hand her the written notice (I've already given verbal notice via voicemail to her and her supervisor, but with the written notice, they legally cannot make any attempts to contact my doctor and cannot speak with him at all after I turn that in)... but at least now I know what I can say back to her if she does say something that makes me feel negative about myself "blow it out your arse, biatch!"

 

[ANCHOR]

This is good Stuff, Trapped...

Hey, this is good stuff. You are going through the motions of discovering what your options are and no matter what actually happens with the whole thing, you really have a very good sense of what is healthy behavior! You now have a pretty clear definition of what is appropriate and healthy for you and for therapists and you have defined several ways in which you can assert yourself healthily:

1. You wrote a letter to therapist outlining your needs and comfort levels. (and you took time to reread the letter, change it and have someone else read it, too, for feedback! Awesome steps!)

2. You worked with the forum to coin a new mantra to protect yourself if they continue to disrespect you: BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSE BIATCH!:rofl:
3. You have decided for yourself that you need Darwin in therapy! So you will take Darwin now, no matter what.(And you checked with others on this, too, to make sure it was an acceptable request! Wow!)

4. You have decided to write another letter exempting your psych from information, based on your assessment of his inappropriate behavior! :thumbs-up

5. You are coping in the mean time by working on a creative project: T-Shirt (is this going to have the mantra on it!? :wink:)

6. You are aware that humans are unpredictable and that your actions may upset them, but they have upset you and you need to rebalance the scales. Great! And the back up plan if this goes awry:BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSE BIATCH!:rofl:

Take a sec and just look at what you have managed to accomplish!! Not only are you making decisions based on your assessments, but you are asking people you trust for feedback and support on your assessments, just to remain grounded. Then you take the sum of it and proceed with an assertive action! Yep, deep breath here! Ahhhhhhhh! Bravo!:hello:

 

[her_indoors43]

hey anchor....thats well put that post ........:Hug_emoticon: we all here for you trapped....