Am i doing ok?

[Evo]

First a quick explanation on what happened.

After a disturbance outside my apartments I ended up confronting a mentally ill and intoxicated man who had a large kitchen knife with the intent of holding him while police arrived. It was right before children would start coming out of their homes for school and was afraid for the safety of my neighbors. He became more agitated and was able to get a hold of the barrel of my shotgun. After a struggle I was forced to pull the trigger. He passed approximately 4-5 minutes later. I was fully cooperative with police after.

Since then I have been thinking about the incident nearly all the time. Trying to figure out ways i could have done things differently, was he a real threat, could I have talked to him more? I think about how this has affected my family. My kids 8 and 10 seem ok, they heard the yelling and the shot. My wife gets anxiety when home alone.

I've read all the news articles about it, and follow the comments. Nobody seems to blame me, even his family.

My biggest concern is I feel bad about not feeling worse. While I don't have a hard time sleeping, I have a hard time getting to sleep because I think about it. I'm almost angry at myself for not having nightmares.

This is only a few days later and while it consumes a part of my life I'm doing much better than I think I should be. I'm afraid months or a year from now it will all hit me.

He was a Marine with severe PTSD. He needed help, not what happened. I don't know if I'm upset that it happened or if I'm angry that society for ignoring the struggles of this man and others like him.

While it's selfish at this point to think about myself I'd like to know what I can do to prevent this from consuming my life.

 

[Jehenu]

So are you here because you want absolution for killing a mentally ill man?

 

[Egak]

I'm sorry if it came off that way. It wasn't my intent.

A friend said to me "Take care of yourself dude ptsd is sneaky"

While I will never forget the incident i don't want to to consume me.

 

[Miwogaf]

OK. I'll put my opinion of your choices aside. Have you sought therapy? If not, thats where you start. Not here.

If you want to do something real and not just for yourself, you could consider options like apologizing to his family, or donating to a veteran's organization. Or both.

 

[Owohe]

Are you posting here because you've also been diagnosed with PTSD, or because the man you shot had PTSD?

 

[Okow]

After a trauma there's usually some post trauma related symptoms. That's generally why you won't be diagnosed with ptsd until 6 months later. So there's that. Not everyone who experiences trauma gets ptsd in fact most people don't.

What you've experienced is an abnormal situation thus there is no wrong way to react. Things in life are hard enough without judgment and guilt for feelings (easier said than done I know l). Try to accept the feeling you have without judgment, and try to let yourself feel however you feel without judgment. At the moment you might be feeling quite numb to it which is perfectly normal you might just be coping better than you thought you would. If it's affecting you I'd go talk to someone, preferably a trauma therapist.

 

[Nikud]

This post might sound callous or harsh, but I'm of a "no bullshit" mentality when it comes to this kind of thing. So here goes.

Trying to figure out ways i could have done things differently,

It is done. Can't be changed. Stop trying to figure out how you could have done better. It doesn't matter anymore.

My kids 8 and 10 seem ok,

Get them in to talk with a counsellor, just do it. Don't risk their mental health. Encourage your wife to do the same. For the same reason.

I'm almost angry at myself for not having nightmares.

They'll happen eventually. Hopefully they won't be permanent. But you're bound to have one sooner or later.

He was a Marine with severe PTSD. He needed help, not what happened. I don't know if I'm upset that it happened or if I'm angry that society for ignoring the struggles of this man and others like him.

I can't give you absolution for this. But if you really want to make good on this? Telling us won't help.
Getting involved with a veterans charity, would be infinitely more useful. Help other vets.

You can't do anything for the man you killed, but you can take this incident to motivate you to helping other vets. Then maybe his death will have served some good.

I Don't know if it will make you feel better, but those organisations always need more help. Won't do any harm to help them out.

While it's selfish at this point to think about myself I'd like to know what I can do to prevent this from consuming my life.

Why is it selfish?
You can't help that guy anymore, no one can. Letting this consume you isn't an option. You are a husband and father. You have a family to support. Seek counselling for yourself.

It's not selfish to try your best to help yourself for your family. Risking winding up like me because you feel bad about a decision you made? That's selfish.

Take care of yourself for your family. You owe it to them, no one else.

 

[Ehote]

Personally I'm a bit shocked about the repeat responses using "absolution". Clearly that's not what this person is after.

Rumination/overthinking... trying to come to terms with what happened and to search for ways it could have been different is normal. However I'd pursue counseling with your spouse. Survivor guilt is a real thing... and clearly you're wife is experiencing some anxiety/fear issues.

I'm sorry that the incident resulted in a fatality... however you are correct that he did have a butcher knife and was in need of intervention. You tried to act to get an intervention for him and also to protect children who were due to return from school. A lot of people wouldn't have or would have just made the call to 911.

I'm glad you were forth coming with law enforcement.

It is a sad fact that untreated PTSD and alcohol or other substances don't mix - cognitive impairment never improves by pouring booze on it.

Unless you feel called to do so, you don't need to heed the "advice" to "atone" for anything by working with vets or otherwise. It is a personal choice really.

 

[Itaj]

Whoever posted post number 2.... that's way unnecessary and pretty f'ed up.

 

[Itaj]

I think it's okay to explore, for the opening poster, how to navigate traumatic stress in the described situation for his family.

Australian Psychological Society : Understanding and managing psychological trauma

 

[Nikud Again]

Unless you feel called to do so, you don't need to heed the "advice" to "atone" for anything by working with vets or otherwise. It is a personal choice really.

Yup. That's what it was. Advice.
As in, here's some suggestions for consideration.
I thought I was quite clear about that.

As for the absolution thing...
If I were in his shoes, I'd be feeling like a pretty horrible person. Whether my actions were justified or not.
Like I did when I left that baby in that car to die, while saving my own worthless ass. So I do have some idea of what I'm talking about. I may not have pulled a trigger of a gun, but I know very well how it feels to be the one left standing, wondering what makes me so f*cking special?

So I put the suggestion of helping a veterans charity as an idea he might find helpful, or not. I fail to understand why giving somebody a suggestion, somehow makes me an asshole. Just like everyone else here, he can take what's useful and disregard the rest.

I don't know what is exactly what is going on in the man's head. I gave him my best effort to assist him with hopefully being able to put this awful incident behind him. I did my best to do so without judgement. As Lord knows I sure as hell can't sit on any high horse after what I've done.

Next time, I'll just keep my damn mouth shut.

 

[Ige]

Even if this poster doesn't have PTSD he could experience PTS. For the record, I know what it's like to be the one left standing as well but it ain't a free license to make someone else maybe feel shittier than they may already.