Sufferer Trying to cope with symptoms & my relationship is suffering

[IamJenna]

Hey,
This is my first post. I'm really nervous to write anything but I'm trying to reach out despite myself as I really need the help & support right now.
I've been in counselling for trauma the last year, I've experienced childhood sexual abuse & a sexual assault & a lot of bullying one incident that landed me in hospital as a child.
Everything just surfaced for me just over a year ago... I struggled with alcoholism & drug abuse for years but got clean & sober almost 4 years ago now. So things have very slowly been making more & more sense of what's happened ever since.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost 2 years. I'm so stressed & totally worried of her not being able to cope with what I'm going through right now.
It's like we both had no idea that this was coming & just how difficult it is to live with.
I'm really struggling with trying to cope & manage my symptoms. My flashbacks have lessened a lot I must say! but I still dissociate quite a lot. & I have melt-downs/rage outbursts & really bad muscle tension that leaves me feeling really exhausted & irritable most of the time.
Since having these memories all resurface & all of the symptoms flaring up for the past year I've not been able to work as I've not been able to function properly really tbh.
This has caused major financial stress which is also causing such a massive strain on our relationship too.
I just want so badly to get better & be able to cope & manage these things better. I really hate feeling like such a burden & it hurts so much to watch the person I love have to feel so confused & angry & upset with it all alongside with me cos of something I have is hurting us both.
I really am trying everything possible to try get through this. I want to have a stable good life so much. & I really want to be the strong able person I want to be for her again. I seemed to cope before the memories came flooding in. & now I just feel like half a person.
I just really needed to share this & reach out & hopefully connect with someone who gets what a battle this journey is.
Thanks so much for reading,
Jenna x

 

[ladee]

Welcome... we understand... and hopefully your partner will try to educate herself about PTSD and possibly go to therapy herself.... relationships are hard, without all this extra stuff you both are learning about...

Glad you found us..... and hopefully things will work out for the best for both of you.... you will get a lot of help and support here...

 

[IamJenna]

Welcome... we understand... and hopefully your partner will try to educate herself about PTSD and possibl...

Thanks so much for ur reply :) I appreciate it x

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Welcome to the forums. :)

 

[Muted]

Congratulations on being clean and sober!

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. It's a long journey back to healing and not being able work only adds to the financial stress. That can be a pretty vulnerable feeling by itself. A day at a time...i do think it's better to get through it then have to go back in a couple of years and start over again. Is your partner in therapy?

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi Jenna and welcome!

As a supporter I have found the only way a (my) PTSD relationship can survive is if both parties are actively working together.

I educated myself as much as I could and my guy has shared all he has learned. It's not easy and can be very hard at times. But it does get better. You need to get yourself sorted first though. If your relationship is causing you more stress maybe you should take a step back for a little while.

You came to the right place. Glad you found us. ✌ &❤

 

[IamJenna]

Congratulations on being clean and sober!

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. It's a long jo...

Thanks so much for ur comment.
My partner isn't in therapy for it & doesn't want to. She keeps telling me it's my problem not hers.
I just feel punished constantly which isn't helpful to the situation. She doesn't understand that I'm not well she seems to think I'm doing it on purpose to hurt her.
It hurts so bad cos I wish I could just stop & be done with all this hell. But there's no off button.
I have to keep chipping away at it slowly but it's just so long & feels never ending.
She has told me we might have to reconsider our relationship. She says I'm being selfish.
My therapist got her a book on it & she read a few pages & put it down she told me that it's just a bunch of excuses.
I'm so exhausted with it all.
I'm literally trying everything possible but it just seems like it's never enough.
Maybe she just is in her angry stage with it. I know I wasn't able to accept it for a long time myself.
I can't control any outcomes. All I can do is just keep trying one day at a time I guess & c where it lands.
I just feel so angry at having to live with this. I suppose that's just being human though we all are going through something at some point & this is mine I guess.
Sorry if I've just rambled at u. I'm just really at a low point ATM.
Thanks for ur comment it helped to not feel so alone with it all x

 

[Muted]

I understand much of your frustrations. I think as she see's you grow and change she may realize she needs help herself. I get how hard it is when people just seem to expect you to snap out of it and you simply can't. If you're a couple one persons problem becomes both of your's problem. It has to be a team effort. The less communication there is, the harder it's going to be also.

I might try fully committing to your own recovery with or without her. As you heal, she's going to either get on board or move on and then if that's the case maybe she's not the one for you.

You're not alone.

 

[Fayne Jane]

You are NOT being selfish, it sounds like if she wasn't willing to read the suggested book she is being selfish. Are you in therapy for PTSD? You can in time control your outcomes with therapy but not hers. she sounds selfish to me and not very understanding which is kind of normal. Most people even educated folks have no idea what it is like to have PTSD. I am angry at having PTSD, things happen, that is life. I think it is important for you to take care of you and not your partner. You need to heal and you need support which you can get from this site.

 

[Muted]

Most people even educated folks have no idea what it is like to have PTSD.

I so agree with you on that.

 

[IamJenna]

I understand much of your frustrations. I think as she see's you grow and change she may realize she ne...

Thanks so much.
Ur right I can only do what's best for me & maybe she will catch on one day but if not then I won't have compromised my own recovery.
I just get really triggered by the thought of being alone too.
So it's hard to get perspective sometimes as I can't separate the two. Not sure if that makes sense?
This is helping me so much by having this support instead of just panicking & keeping it all in my head until my counselling each week. I do have a bit of a support network but it's really true that unless u have ptsd u just won't really get it. I don't even get it much myself lol. Thanks for ur comments :) x

 

[Muted]

So it's hard to get perspective sometimes as I can't separate the two. Not sure if that makes sense?

I understand what you're saying, because I've been there. I think it's really important to develop your own sense of self and strengthen that. A counselor can help you a lot with that. It helps to have a safe person that you trust to bounce things off of and process things through with.

I don't even get it much myself lol.

I have often felt that way too, but having this forum has helped me a lot. I had no idea there were people out there struggling with many of the same things I struggle with.