Why am i not worth it?

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't know why Shameless (US) brought this out but I am sitting here, a mess, asking myself why am I not worth fighting for? I know it's just a show but so many hurt people but those people stay around. I read it on here. Supporters fighting for their loved one. Why not me? Why don't I deserve a partner or a family? I hurt someone and they leave and never come back. I never get a chance to explain or appologize. Or they say they are there for me just to completely backstab me. Or I have symptoms and that's it in their mind. They don't care to learn and try to understand. It's not just one person...it's all of them. I sit here asking myself how the f*ck was I able to completely tear a hole in my own family. Why I am not allowed some loved ones.

I tried to change. To move faster. To be what they wanted. Someone "normal" without these issues. I tried to pretend. I tried. But failed.

I act like it doesn't hurt but it does. It feels like someone is tearing my heart apart! My abusive ex is the only one that went after me. And I didn't hurt him. And it wasn't to understand or be there for me. Why is it so super easy to find a guy to f*ck and to abuse me when I ask for it but so f*cking hard to find one that gives a f*ck about me? I try to be normal but in a relationship its impossible to hide. As soon as they find out (which they always do) they run for the hills. I have never cheated on a guy. I think I make a good friend and a good partner but I don't know. Why don't I deserve the dedication that I see in the Supporter area? Everyone waiting. But I don't deserve that? What's wrong with me?

I don't understand. I know I will never get the answers I seek. I know I will always be the hated crazy one in the family and will likely always be single. I just wish I knew why, so I could fix it.

At least I am typing here rather then cutting. Or, at least before cutting. That's something. Right?

Sorry! I have no idea what these threads recently is seeking really.

 

[Bristol]

Typing instead of cutting is massive. I have no words of support because i feel the same, but im here and reading along, sending a hug if its ok too

 

[Deleted member 37474]

You are hurting. I care about you. You need to love and accept your self as you are now. A beautiful soul that just wants to love others and be loved. In time this will happen.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @Bristol and @TexCat! I have pretty much given up hope of having a family or a partner. Maybe a partner one day. Though I am 36 so will be in my golden yrs when or if that happens most likely. My family will never love or accept me. The more I try the further they go and the worse I make it. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY miss my brother though!

 

[Fadeaway]

I have watched you make heaps of progress since I first met you.Hang in there, I know it hurts and life is stress full, but I being in a place far better than thins in less than a years time.

 

[scout86]

Bear in mind, an awful lot of life doesn't come down to what people 'deserve'. You didn't deserve the family you got either. You 'deserved' a nice, normal,, non-abusive family who loved you in normal healthy ways. People who 'deserve' to die live, and people who deserve to live die all the time. It sucks, but there is no connection between what people 'get' and what they deserve.

You HAVE made a lot of progress, near as I can tell. And, at 36, you're a long ways from those alleged 'golden years'. You still have some time. I hope you get that relationship and family you want and deserve. I think all you can really do now is keep working on getting yourself ready to be your best self once you get there.

BTW, I ask myself those same questions too. Been doing it a lot lately. And I'm WAY older than you. The best answer I can come up with is "it is what it is". It's got nothing to do with 'deserving', it's just random luck. But, if a relationship is going to work, I think both people need to love each other for who they really are, and want their partner to able to grow into their best self. I don't think it works, in the long run, to try to truck someone into loving you by acting 'normal'. (My T says he thinks 'normal'is over rated anyway.)

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Even when we have people in our lives we can go to for support and help, we can still feel very not worth it. It seems to come down to what we repeatedly say to ourselves most often. I found I had to flip my inner self-talk script to be able to finally believe I do have worth. The hardest person I ever had to convince of my worth was me.

 

[Muted]

@lostforgottensoul our worth as human beings does not come from the value or lack of value that other people try and place on us. Each and every one of us was uniquely created and each of us has a purpose.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Bear in mind, an awful lot of life doesn't come down to what people 'deserve'.

Worth? Like, they may think I am not worth the trouble or worth time of sticking it out...you know?

I guess I just don't get why one person has people that will never leave them when they are abusive or something...those people are going through hell with them but they still hang on. But then you have others like myself that can't keep a person in their lives
Well over a hundred people have left. It doesn't matter who nor what I do. Eventually they leave. So many said they wouldn't leave me but end up doing just that.

I keep asking myself "what sort of freak has an entire family that hates them? The ones that are to love you no matter what!" I mean, if even my family can't love me then who can?

A therapist even. "You are wasting my time" and kicked me out of the session.

I don't know. Sorry, its hard to make sense of this stuff.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I keep asking myself "what sort of freak has an entire family that hates them?

I hear ya'. It hurts like hell to feel so abandoned by so many who we're taught are the very ones who are supposed to nurture us and have our backs, no matter what. Having them end up being the ones to bury the knives in our backs leaves deep and lasting damage.

I guess it's the same sort of freak who has a family that chooses to abuse them, deny abuse being done by others, and neglect many of their most basic needs while using them for whatever means they wish, or the same sort of freak whose family (insert heartbreaking and tragic scenario here - as, unfortunately, there are so many possibilities).

Many of us feel like freaks at the hands of others. Left behind in their destructive dust to try to figure out how to navigate this thing called life. They continue to hold much power over us and our thoughts for much longer than we'd like.

I mean, if even my family can't love me then who can?

I know this may sound overly sappy and/or cliche, but it's pretty much left up to you to do it. After a long and painful while of figuring out how to healthily fill my own love cup based on my actual needs, not just those I was told I needed, it didn't seem to matter quite as much if others were filling it, too, whereas before, I was left feeling parched and empty by the lack of love being contributed my way by others. Being drained even more by the heavy feeling of lack, day in and day out. It's all I could think about some days...wishing I could just remove myself from everyone elses equations.

I had no choice left but to actively be the love I never received if I wished to have any quality of life. Even with a kind, patient, and loving husband, I still had major disconnect with self, which eventually fostered a painful disconnect from him, too. Not having been taught any healthy or sustaining ways to love myself, it was a bitch figuring it all out. I had only been taught how to put everyone else first while setting my own needs aside.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

it's pretty much left up to you to do it.

I know it is. I guess I am just having a pity party. I don't know what this is. But I know. And I know many others are in the same situation so I guess its a poor me moment?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

There are good people out there in the world, and you have to let go first of the unhealthy ones and get them out of your life.

Working on your own healing and recovery and getting healthier for yourself first is also a must do.

Going to places where most likely healthier people gather to meet like minded others is a must do as well, although I do not nor have I found a place where healthier people meet yet. That is what others tell me I should do. I am not ready to go hangout at a starbucks nor go to a library or join a book club etc. These things are not my cup of tea and probably not yours either.

Four years ago I found this place and I was taking full time care of my husband with dementia and had no friends because we had just moved to a new town. This place was the only place I had for support and I was grateful for it because I was housebound and very lonely.

Keep on growing yourself and keep on recovering and getting better and better, and you will eventually make new friends who know how to value you. So far you have only been with unhealthy people who are there for themselves. I would examine this pattern because it sounds like you have unfinished buisiness and are repeating old dysfunctional cycles from your time being abused.

You will meet the good people. It happened for me and it takes a long time for me to make a good friend. I am older now so it is not as easy to make new friends for me anymore. I had to become a friend to have a friend.

As for a loving partner, have you considered a secure online dating site? Or is that not a good idea? I will believe for you if you cannot.