Why bother having sex?

[Ehi]

I need to preface this somewhat and say that I am a man, which makes it an even more ridiculous question, and I am married, which makes it a more tragic question.

But why would anyone choose to have sex? For me, having sex 1. confirms my manhood, at least for a little while, 2. tamps down the urges, at least for a little while, and 3. keeps the peace at home, at least for a little while. I don't really get anything else out of it.

From my experience and perspective, sex is just way too complicated. The potential negatives far, FAR outweigh any potential positives.

The positives that I can see are the reasons I have sex listed above, along with a few things I don't really experience like possible procreation, the pleasure of a physical release, and an emotional bonding experience.

Contrast that with all the potential negatives: pregnancy scares; misunderstandings; mind reading; emotional pain; physical problems like all kinds of erectile and orgasmic issues; regret; clinginess; overthinking; revulsion; self-obsession; and straight-out consent issues, abuse, and possible violence.

Why in the world would anyone want do it at all other than the sheer physical drive and the constant push of society? And God only knows what women could possibly get out of it, since it really appears to me that you all have even fewer positives and hundreds of more negatives. Honestly, I am completely baffled.

 

[Lumoji]

In some ways - I agree with you. I kind of hate sex - especially since it's a big fat negative in my abuse history & achieving orgasm is nearly impossible for me. There's something about the intimacy of skin on skin, sharing someone's breath, getting past all the things we dislike about ourselves to a point of acceptance, and feeling safe for a short moment in the world though. The physical act itself - eh... dunno - it's more animal than human.

 

[Talon]

Anything that is thought of as being more of a chore and obligation of some sort, rather than a pleasurable experience, will become difficult to willingly and fully engage in over time, that's for sure.

I was impregnated at a young age (15) after years of sexual and physical abuse and was left with no choice but to get an abortion. I no longer wanted anything to do with sex, but remained quite vulnerable to predators and ended up becoming rather promiscuous. I suffered at the hands of many through the years of using sex as a survival tool. I ended up being convinced that's how I'd likely live the rest of my life.

I learned most of my sex education via pornography and being exposed way too young, cheapening the ongoing experiences even more. I thought I had to make all those sounds, try all those positions, try all those fetishes, always upping the ante for a bigger rush, cover the real me under tons of make-up and shit and removing all my body hair to feel desirable, etc. and to even think about being considered sexy.

If only I could get that time, money, and energy back. I often faked orgasms with many partners just to get it done and over with. I was also convinced if I wasn't actively pleasing the man I chose to be in a relationship with every night, I'd end up losing him to someone else who would. That's a lot of pressure combined that leads to a lot of unnecessary drama.

Then I learned of tantric sex, the five different love languages, simple intimacy that didn't involve penetration or ejaculation, learning to be comfortable in that space of togetherness without the expectation of it always having to end in the perceived orgasmic bliss I had grown so used to. Just the togetherness and touch alone became blissful enough on any level. Intimacy finally felt real and not rehearsed. It wasn't easy learning how to be that comfortable with another until I was able to be that comfortable with myself first, though. There lies the biggest struggle, still.

 

[Hozob]

I have gone a good while without sex and without masturbating though I eventually give in. It is the reason my therapist helped me to stop dating and seeking out men.

It's not really about a physical urge or release, or a physical or emotional need. Sex is love to me. I don't feel an emotional connection during sex but the act of sex equals love to me. It's s about seduction, domination at first then submission during. I am a "prostitue" before (no longer charging but I am the child prostitue again) and then complete submission. It's about making this man "fall" (if speaking about a christian pastor. I had a pastor seduction "phase" for lack of a better word but I end up still doing that from time to time). It's about recreating my past. Physical pain. "Taboo" stuff. The whole nine. It's also about abandonment. "He would leave me if I f*ck him, a lot" says my head.

There are so many reason that I and many have sex still. Most people do it for a connection, "make love", etc. I don't but still have sex.

 

[Unawi]

I am a man, which makes it an even more ridiculous question

Ah yes... the old all men want sex all the time myth.

I'll suggest a couple of options in addition to the tantric sex option. First is to have your testosterone levels checked. As quick search will bring up doctors who specialize in men's health issues.

Second is to seek out a sex therapist. There are all sorts of treatment modalities out there.

 

[Ojete]

I hate sex too, lol, I'm female. It's so bloody complicated, yes. I get the occasional urge..and just deal with it myself. It's actually refreshing to read from men like you because I tend to feel like a freak for not wanting it. I have also been convinced for a very long time that if I don't want..well..specifically..to be penetrated on a regular basis that no man will ever want me and I'll be alone forever.

I feel much more pleasure from connecting through laughter and the mind of another person. I don't see any point in sex, at all.

 

[Sajf]

Why in the world would anyone want do it at all other than the sheer physical drive and the constant push of society? And God only knows what women could possibly get out of it, since it really appears to me that you all have even fewer positives and hundreds of more negatives. Honestly, I am completely baffled.

Sounds like sex is about as fun for you as sticking your finger up someone's nose. :wtf:

I can't quite tell from your post if you're basically asking Why the f*ck would anyone want to watch golf / go to the opera / join the military / have kids / etc. -or- If you can accept (at least intellectually) that people think, feel, & experience sex differently than you do honestly want to know -or- like an anorexic learning to enjoy food and eating, when the entire concept is repulsive to them are trying to change your own thoughts, feelings, experiences of sex. Or for some other reason. All of which have different answers. So what's up? Why do you want to know?

 

[Ehi]

Ah yes... the old all men want sex all the time myth.

In my experience, women are often or even usually raped and abused in childhood, which generally leads to them sexually shutting down. This accounts for the myth, I think - not that men are actually always crazy horndogs, but just that women *aren't* due to their past abuse. The men I know who were raped and abused as children are just shut down sexually as most women. That's my theory anyway. I could be totally off base.

I wasn't abused as a kid, so I grew up with a normal libido. Events after that are what destroyed everything for me.

I'll suggest a couple of options in addition to the tantric sex option. First is to have your testosterone levels checked. As quick search will bring up doctors who specialize in men's health issues.

Testosterone is 100% normal. However, could you explain more about tantric sex? Do you have any resources, especially something I could look at with my wife?

Also, in tantric sex does the male partner have to achieve an erection? If so, not happening - I haven't had a reliable erection ... well, ever, due to my issues.

Second is to seek out a sex therapist. There are all sorts of treatment modalities out there.

I have been to therapists upon therapists, and I have found that sex therapists are the worst and most disorganized ones out there. Most of them don't even know how to treat trauma issues, even the AASECT certified ones.

 

[Ehi]

Sounds like sex is about as fun for you as sticking your finger up someone's nose. :wtf:

Yup. Nice emoji btw.

If you can accept (at least intellectually) that people think, feel, & experience sex differently than you do honestly want to know -or- like an anorexic learning to enjoy food and eating, when the entire concept is repulsive to them are trying to change your own thoughts, feelings, experiences of sex.

That one.

So what's up? Why do you want to know?

I'd like to learn how to enjoy sex please. Some people seem to, for reasons I cannot fathom. Maybe they've never experienced bad sexual events. But me? I've pretty much ONLY experienced bad sexual events.

I love my wife, and would like to please her. She is both my motivation and a continuation of my problem, as she is angry and resentful, as someone would be when they discover the person they married doesn't like the things that they do. That's my fault, I thought love could fix my problems. It can't.

 

[Gasovu]

Amazon has a whole slew of books and DVDs that cover tantra and trantric sex.

 

[Oku]

my experience, women are often or even usually raped and abused in childhood, which generally leads to them sexually shutting down.

Bit of a stretch.

I could be totally off base.

Yeah I'd say so. It's far too generalised people experience things differently.

I am a csa and rape survivor. I love sex...well I love having sex with my partner although sometimes it's not so great and I do have a lot of issues surrounding it. I sometimes struggle staying in the moment but when it's good it's great. I love feeling connected with my partner and I have a higher sex drive than he does. I feel like sometimes I shouldn't like it because of my past. I never really have until I met my partner.

Maybe you're just asexual it is a spectrum.

 

[Ibib]

women are often or even usually raped and abused in childhood, which generally leads to them sexually shutting down. This accounts for the myth, I think - not that men are actually always crazy horndogs, but just that women *aren't* due to their past abuse. The men I know who were raped and abused as children are just shut down sexually as most women. That's my theory anyway. I could be totally off base.

Half way off base. I am a sexual trauma survivor from childhood and I am the opposite of shut down. Most men have trouble keeping up with me. I am a seductress and will attempt to seduce 5 to 8 men a day. More if there are multiple men. I allow any fetish or really anything they want. I am fully submissive once in the act.

In addition to that I have given co-workers, bosses, christian pastors, and many others BJs. I have had sex with 2 therapists and came onto my current one (where he had to pull me off of him), MANY christian pastors, and my own pastor cousin-in-law (not a blood cousin), amoung many other things.

My point is don't assume all or most woman that were sexually abused are shut down sexually as that's not the case. Woman tend to fall on either shut down or hyper sexual. Extremes.