Sexual boundaries

[Femke]

I'm a bit shy to discuss this, it feels awkward, but it is important to me.

I was always a gentle, somewhat vulnerable girl and I was sexually abused as a child and adult. As a teen/young adult and even now I have problems with setting sexual boundaries.

An example: just recently somebody I was chatting with really nicely for a while initiated a sex chat. I clearly told him I didn't want that, but he kept on initiating things like that until I went along. Eventually I even pretended I liked it, because I just didn't dare say no and felt like I somehow "had to". Instead of walking away from a situation like that, I get scared to do anything but do what the other person wants. I ignore my own boundaries. Afterwards I feel like the most horrible person in the world. I'm also a Christian, so I feel very sinful and like going to hell for things like these. I blocked this person afterwards, because I also felt it wasn't respectful of him to ignore the boundaries I did set. I feel really bad about myself though, have an extremely low self-esteem because of situations like this.

I don't understand why I can't simply say no and stick to that, even, or especially, when someone asks or even pushes me to do something I don't want. It seems like the part of me that defends myself shuts down and gets scared whenever somebody wants something like that from me and instead I just do what I think is expected.

I feel very ashamed even sharing this, but I think it is important to be able to defend myself better... any recognition? Ideas to be able to defend myself better?

 

[Muted]

I think that is a very normal response for someone who's been sexually victimized. Working through the trauma will help you to firmly reestablish those boundaries.

It sounds like when you've tried and your boundaries are violated there's a dissociation of a part taking over. That is likely the younger part of you that experienced the past abuse. When your boundaries are violated your brain responds to survive, which is likely why the younger 'compliant' part does what it's told by the perpetrator.

The only way to defend yourself against a perpetrator that's bigger and stronger than you is some serious training and a gun. If someone won't listen when you say no, you're powerless to stop them if you're defenseless. Your brain has to be trained to respond to those situations.

It's a normal response to feel like it's your fault and that somehow you should have been able to have been able to stop it. There's an excellent post or article in here on shame. When a person is violated it really causes your thinking to be messed up. God knows your heart and can help you heal. The enemy likes to use these situations to condemn a victim and render them powerless, but God is so much greater!

 

[Friday]

How are you with setting & keeping other boundaries? Saying no in other situations?

 

[garden]

Femke, boundaries are difficult to navigate for many people who have endured CSA. It's a normal reaction to abnormal treatment/abuse. Many of us understand your reluctance to share.

What has helped me personally is getting in touch with my personal sense of justice, which for me was allowing myself to feel anger at the perpetrators for the things that they did to me. I did this in therapy, with guidance and only after I had a safety net in place. So later when I was in a situation where I asserted a boundary and it was met with opposition or outright ignored, I felt a tinge of anger and that signaled to me that I needed to find safety, whatever that was in the given situation.
Also, what helped me to get in touch with some of the emotions that I had previously numbed myself to was exploring and destroying the "good girl" myth that I had been brain washed to believe. Once it was okay to get my panties in a bunch and react firmly, and stand my ground, I was able to protect myself better from those who didn't respect my boundaries. This is still a work in progress, but it gets better with practice.
Why isn't it okay to be assertive about my own needs? Some where along the way this gets twisted.
I hope that you find the right treatment and system of support so that you can help yourself out of this as this dynamic is so deeply wounding. There is hope and we can learn better ways to deal with such things.

 

[Suzetig]

The only way to defend yourself against a perpetrator that's bigger and stronger than you is some serious training and a gun.

Seriously? A gun? There are lots of ways to defend yourself that don't require firearms. I live in a place where the police don't carry guns and manage to defend themselves well against aggressors - yes training in a martial art might help you feel more secure and able to defend yourself enough to get away but personal guns aren't needed or used by a significant part of the worlds population.

It can be easy to get drawn into a situation you don't want to be in, in this case it was sexual chat that you didn't want and you ended up going along with it. It may be worth practicing how you'll get yourself out of situations you aren't comfortable, so that you have a plan, know what you want to say or do so that you're not caught off guard.

 

[Muted]

Ya @Suzetig seriously a gun. I'm a U.S. Citizen and I have a constitutional right to bear arms and defend myself. And I will exercise that right if I ever need to!

I'm sure there are lots of other ways to defend yourself, feel free to chose whatever way you want and I will do the same. I'm not in another part of the world, I'm in America!!!! Other places can choose to run their own countries however they want.

 

[Suzetig]

And the OP isn't in the States and may not have that right so to suggest the "only way" to be safe is to use a gun is pretty senseless advice on an international forum. You have the right to defend yourself any way you chose, but there's more than one way to do that and most don't involve guns.

 

[Muted]

I'm sorry @Suzetig I just haven't had the time to study up on all of the different country's yet, I will be sure and add that to my to do list, BEFORE I state my opinion next time OR maybe I need to ONLY reply to Americans, because I'm a little more familiar with the Constitution and I definitely don't want to advise defending oneself with a gun if it's against the law and you don't have the freedom of that choice.

OP, I meant no offense to you and I wish you the best. I'm removing myself from this thread, because apparently my 'American Viewpoints' aren't wanted here.

BTW I'm proud to be an American and proud of our veterans and their families for their service and sacrifice, because of an American Veteran I am alive today, not that you care @Suzetig ...

 

[LuckiLee]

Supporter here..... My Mom always told me to stand up for myself, no one else was gonna do it. I was always smaller than the other kids and we know how kids can be. I took her words to heart and still hear them today.
It's funny sometimes because some people still try to bully or take advantage of me (I'm 48yo) and when I stand up for myself some of them will think I'm a bitch. So be it. Don't need people like that in my life.

Follow your gut! If you're not comfortable with something you DON'T have to do it. Don't text the jerk back who disrespects your feelings.

And yes, look into a self defense class. It will do wonders for you.

 

[Suzetig]

I don't understand why I can't simply say no and stick to that, even, or especially, when someone asks or even pushes me to do something I don't want. It seems like the part of me that defends myself shuts down and gets scared whenever somebody wants something like that from me and instead I just do what I think is expected.

I know for me there's a part of me that thinks it's safer to just do whatever the other person wants, because then they might like me, not want to hurt me - and if that doesn't work at least it'll be over sooner. I'm very used to being harshly punished for saying no. It takes a lot for me to set and hold a clear boundary and it always feels like a work in progress.

What has helped is having a couple of very safe relationships where I can try saying "no" and trusting that our relationship will be OK and that I'll be safe. I'm also learning to trust my gut feeling, if it doesn't feel ok, I accept that it's not ok for me even if it is ok for other people - it's ok for me to say no for me.

 

[Femke]

How are you with setting & keeping other boundaries? Saying no in other situations?

Thanks for all your responses. It helps to read those. I also have problems asserting or even feeling boundaries in other fields, but sexually I have the most difficulties, also because it feels the most hurtful when my boundaries are not taken into account (either by me or the other person or both).

Today I started by asserting normal (non-sexual) boundaries and was proud of myself for that. Small stupid things... like the hair dresser washing my hair with water that was too hot... normally I would have endured it and dissassociated from the feeling, but now I kindly asked her to turn it colder.

Feeling and expressing anger is an issue as well. I can either suppress all anger or explode with someone I feel safe with. My mum always responded rejecting (e.g. "you are a bad child, you are the cause of all problems in our family, boys, don't become like your sister") or angry or like a victim (e.g. when I asked her to not give my son too many sweets she responded that in that case she could never do anything nice with my son, I was a very bad mum, etc for half an hour), when I asserted normal boundaries in a normal way, so I expect rejection and anger if I just say no.

Thanks for sharing your stories. I'll try to feel anger and practice saying no and expressing boundaries in safe situations. I'm also working on dealing with the trauma.

I know for me there's a part of me that thinks it's safer to just do whatever the other person wants, because then they might like me, not want to hurt me - and if that doesn't work at least it'll be over sooner.

Thanks.. this is a bit how it feels.

 

[anthony]

Instead of walking away from a situation like that, I get scared to do anything but do what the other person wants. I ignore my own boundaries.

I understand that we all want, desire even, intimacy. What I'm reading though, is that you aren't capable of setting healthy boundaries and your traumatic history and experience, right now, is only going to make intimacy in your life worse. I think you need to make a firm decision that if anyone engages in intimacy with you, you shut it down, stop talking, close your computer, whatever it takes, but you must make a firm decision.

This very small act is a step towards you setting boundaries. With repetitive actions, you will eventually become more assertive in this, but right now, you're in dangerous territory and putting yourself at risk for sexual abuse IMO.

I think you need to really be seeking local therapy guidance to become more assertive and practice setting boundaries in all aspects of your life, so it becomes more instinctive for you and will automatically cross into sexual intimacy.