I am a rotten person

[mylunareclipse]

Lately I have been feeling more and more that I deserve to die.

I am a completely useless human being.

All I do is bring pain to others. If I didn't exist, their life would be much better without me.

I am starting to give up. It's not an outside giving up. It's a giving up on the inside.

I tried therapy, but now I have found that I am even more rotten than I thought. I am a rotten, bad human being. All I do is bring pain to everyone around me.

I am giving up on the inside and I am really tired. I wish I could just go away.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly and feeling so hopeless. I wish I knew a specific answer for you. My mind and quite a few unhealthy folks in my life used to have me convinced I was a worthless and rotten burden, too. I believed it for a long time. Still do at times. It took much foot work and many attempts at things that sounded off the wall and full of shit to find any form of relief. May you find yours. Hugs from my heart to yours if you wish to accept.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for the hugs as well. I hope to find a way. I have been doing a lot better, but suddenly everything is going backwards as I am not fighting anymore. It's hard to know how to feel better once you don't have it in you to fight anymore, or once you don't even think you deserve to get better.

 

[Friday]

Being useless & bringing pain to others doesn't really get solved by suicide. From experience. That just means you bring a whole lot more pain & are useless forever.

So, since that doesn't work,

1) What might be some other ways to stop being / feeling useless, and to stop hurting people?

2) If you think you're a bad person AND dislike that, what can you do to change it?

3) How much of that is an accurate assessment? 10 Primary Cognitive Distortions (negative Thinking Styles)

 

[LillyH]

Hi,
I am fairly new to this, but I hear your pain so much and it really resonates with me.

 

[mylunareclipse]

I don't think I deserve to fix my cognitive distortions.... I don't deserve anything. I haven't reached a point where I don't want to help myself, because I don't think I deserve help and I a bad bad person.

 

[Friday]

I'm generally baffled by the whole 'deserve' thing. I don't do things because I deserve anything. There's nothing I inherently "deserve". I do things because I decide to. Doesn't even mean I want to. Just that I'm deciding to.

There's a quote I can't quite remember about how the important things in life aren't done by the people best qualified to do them. They're done by the people who show up.

Am I a terrible person? Yup. Total monster. No bones about it. But I'm also all I've got to work with. So, since I'm the person who has shown up? What can I do with myself? What do I want to accomplish? What do I want to change? I can sit here and hate myself -and I do from time to time- or I can start working on the things I hate about myself. Not because I deserve to. Just because I've decided to.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Hi Friday, I appreciate your good effort to help. It totally makes sense. When I am in a better place perhaps those words make sense to me as well. I used to fight, I used to want to get better. And yes I would then show up and try to fix things little by little. But something has changed. Once you lose that desire to even show up, to even try. Then I don't know how to help myself. The feeling of deserving comes when you've been made to feel that you are worthless time after time again. I don't know what my brain is going through, it could be anything, but it s not very rational.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Either way. Despite the fact that I don't like the challenge at all and am just desiring acceptance. I listened to your advice Friday and decided to go for a walk. Maybe it will get me out of the immediate despair, so thank you

 

[Teasel]

How are you today? :)

 

[mylunareclipse]

Aw thanks for asking. I gave up on yesterday. Even after walk I was in deep fog. Today I have woken up feeling more relaxed. Will try to keep this positivity going, but it's hard to predict sometimes. Before going to bed last night I let myself just write and write and write until it all came off.

Hope your day goes well as well.

 

[Teasel]

Thanks, the writing sounds good. Understand about it being hard to predict. Hope today goes as well as could be :)