Dissociation - Talking To Myself (did-like, Maladaptive Daydreaming)

[xraydave]

Hey I am new to these forums, so I will give peoples a quick background before going onto my problem.


Background is this:
the thing with me is that I'm a university Law student.

I was diagnosed with all sorts of things nearing the end of high school: OCD, GAD and then even psychosis (none of them worked out in the end, I relapsed into similiar symptoms, and problems in society), and then psychiatrists and psychologists then stated i do not have 'psychosis' and that it is merely OCD > now they are saying it is not OCD, but my symptoms are so varied, due to PTSD.

Turns out I have had a lot of repressed memories, and these were traumas (Narcissistic abusers in my family, and also sexual abuse from school). Either will meet their reprimands and justice, but until then....

The problem is this:

I do not have full control over my body, and it is not scary - the fact that it is not scary, scares me. It's weird I can't explain it.

I have been dissociating for a long time and it happens moreso when i am alone. Sometimes, I catch myself saying something out loud and then feeling really guilty that I said it, because it was not contemplated but due to some internal thought processes going on inside my head.

Every day, i walk back and forth in my room, because i need to clarify and really allow for the conversations in my head to "blossom", for lack of a better word. And this is a reminder, these are conversations (which I usually can control, and I know are just me talking as if I am other people, inside my head: i can differentiate my voice from any other real sounds).

They have no names, and they are not different people. In the end of the 'dissociation episode', I know they are all just me, and it's something I have grown into the habit of doing due to dealing with trauma. I just don't know how to switch them off , and they are really troubling. it's like it comes back on automatic, due to bad feelings or triggers in my environment.

I was wondering if anyone else has these sorts of problems? Do you go on automatic and walk back and forth and do anything which is mind-numbing your senses like this?

I feel like this is more described as a sort of maladaptive daydreaming. It's very DID-like, but since I fit the dissociative/depersonalisation side of things so perfectly, i know that i may just be freaking out and thinking i'm going crazy, when i could just be getting more and more dissociated from the world around me due to trauma.

 

[Kailani]

Hi. I have a different kind of ptsd. Sounds similar. Could be the dissociative subtype ptsd. The dsmv. It's horrible. It's depersonalization or something. I'm still learning but am well aware of the symptoms. It may seem like DID at times. The conversation may be yourself but does not seem like yourself but like another person and is ignited by stress or triggers in the environment. What works for me is getting into a low stress or peaceful non triggering environment to shut them down, distraction helps, ignoring them helps. I think of it like the ptsd cup forum: check it out; trauma overflowing like filling a cup with soda but it sometimes bubbles over. Found deep breathing and grounding techniques work very well but still learning and trying. My therapist thinks EMDR therapy may help. I hope you find some peace and support

 

[Intrepid]

I have developmental PTSD, and one of the first things I learned after I got on this forum was that there is a lot of co-morbidity. There are a lot of symptoms of PTSD that look like other problems. It's very complicated.

I remember describing the best I could some of my myth making experiences, and someone said it sounded like psychosis. I was angry. I didn't want to have that problem. Then he explained that psychosis is not unheard of in someone with PTSD. It was quite a relief. I have recognized since then that I made some pretty extreme efforts to deal with the trauma, flashbacks, flooding, and dissociation.

If I haven’t said so yet I would like to say welcome to the forum. I believe you will find others here who you can relate to.

 

[scout86]

these are conversations (which I usually can control,

My therapist tells me that this is called "thinking". He says it's a good thing and he encourages it, in general.

I'm totally serious. I have a similar experience and wondered about it. That was his reaction. He asked a couple of clarifying questions. (Are the voices coming from inside or outside of your head? etc.) As long as "they" aren't telling you that you need to line your hat with tin foil to keep out the government mind reading rays, it's ok.

I also pace a lot when I'm thinking. When I'm talking on the phone too, now that I think about it. Just seems like I feel better when I'm moving. Maybe I feel like I think better when I'm moving. I don't HAVE to pace, just prefer to be able to move around. I don't really see it as a problem, just something that different people experience differently. (It's also something that some other people occasionally find annoying.)

 

[Stickler]

Could be DDNOS.

...I've had arguments with myselves in grocery stores, it keeps people away from me.
Good. :tup:

If it helps you function better? Keep the behavior. If not, find a better method of brainstorming.

 

[Mary Cardone]

yes, I run into this all the time, people think I have Tourette's or I'm skiezo... I've been diagnosed with everything under the sun that will label and make make a victim of abuse for life and make us feel like a piece of shit, so I'm quite familiar with the totally left brained, no feelings Drs who just want to dismiss us. I got my memories back when I was 50 so I was pretty angry at some people and started mumbling. I had to catch myself in stores so I wouldn't be heard. Now I think out loud, my trigger is so visible every time I drive. I see their cars every day. My abuse started at 3 so I think I had to keep my thoughts secret for so long to keep from being hurt that now they just burst out loud sometimes... I know I'm not crazy, just passively pissed off. There's a movie with Jack Nicholson about an La cop who retires and is made fun of for his obsession with finding a murdered little girl.. Injustice can make anyone talk to themselves as the movie shows. It crosses my mind all of the time. Good movie, realistic consequences of unfairness... My last dr said, I don't know what was wrong with you before, but you are healthy now... She released me. It's because we aren't backing down to the labelers. We are educating them. They are so left brained they can't relate to severe trauma, we have to walk them thru till they learn, even if it's thru wrote...

 

[BlueOrange]

I found it very frightening when I became aware of my internal conversations, too. Eventually, I decided that I'm better off being in communication with myself than I am if I close those conversations down.

 

[Crayray]

i do I tend to do it at work too and I fear rather I said something embarrassing or not and someone herd me I tend to disassociate and slef talk as a reaction to stressful environments and the smallest event or thing can set me off and I imagine I'm conversing with someone and often it's negative and I haven't really spoken to anyone I grew up in an abusive home with sexual abuse and abondenment and it doesn't help that I was adopted by my grandparents who are in the psychology field you'd think it would help but my grandmother kept notes on me and it made me worse and then I got thrown out on the streets because of my dissociative self talk because of the fear that I would shame my family I have been able to stop the self talk by remaining completely silent for years but in times of rejection and stress it flairs up and for the past years I have been bad at work and I suspect that my own co workers have made fun of me lately and it hurts and then I get stuck in a bad cycle again I realize that I just need to shut my mind down again and remain quiet or the overly shy person again but I fear that I have a schizo type personality that I try to hide I have been told it may be ptsd and a reaction to to much stimuli in my job because I do work in a retail environment I wish I could erase my brain or something

 

[Leighlee87]

I do this constantly. I think it's kind of a way to work things out in your head so to speak. I realize most people probably don't do it, but I always have. I used to pace a lot, sometimes still do if I'm alone. Now, I usually have those conversations alone in the car or I will sit in the bathroom with the door locked and talk in front of the mirror. Sometimes the conversations do take place in my head and occasionally a word will slip out and I'll look around to see if anyone else noticed. I'm aware the voices and conversations are my own. But I couldn't imagine processing through things or dealing with life stress if I wasn't able to do it, I've always had conversations with myself ever since I was really little.

Also I notice stress brings it on, and if I'm super dissociated I won't always recollect what the entire conversation was about. I'm a pacer I'm general so if I'm agitated and stressed, I tend to pace back and forth. Stress usually turns into dissociation and the internal conversations, whether they stay in my head or not, are there.

 

[Ocin]

Talking to oneself is a trauma/ dissociative symptom-- a rating scale I use for kids clinically has that item on it. It's in context of a known trauma history and clinical presentation where we conclude x y or z is a likely diagnosis. Self dialogue alone could be within the spectrum of human behavioral variation if there was no adverse impact across multiple (school/home/social) environments.
A highly educated colleague of mine self dialogues nonstop traversing our department between patients, lunch, checking the mailbox etc. My spouse even has a story from startling this individual, reintroducing himself and the subsequent self dialogue as they parted ways. We see it as quintessential Dr._____, not "crazy" just quirky.

 

[Ocin]

I've mentioned in other posts but the part I find difficult personally is the compulsion to vocalize my negative cognitions. Alone or around my husband is annoying but around my kids really worries me, I neither want them to develop such a self abusing internal critic nor do I want them to believe my critic is "right". So I will reply and disagree with my critic out loud. I've also explained to the kids that sometimes we feel opposing feelings, so we might want to give each perspective space for expression. In therapy I am working to honor the intent of the critic (a littler version of me pretending to be mommy by finding all my faults, with the hope this might protect me from the big scary critic/abuse), let her know she's safe now and my adult self will manage the details and the overwhelming feelings.
My kids are spared the inner child stuff-- they just know I allow my different perspectives to communicate.
Not to hijack the thread but how do other PTSD parents manage this? I think it must be the PTSD for me since it's just exploded in the same timeline as my worsening symptoms/recall, and definitely quiets after a good SE or EMDR session. As mentioned I try to offer an explanation, but any other techniques or insights? Especially all you folks that have really spent years healing, your reflections on this site have helped immeasurably.

 

[joeylittle]

Talking to oneself is a trauma/ dissociative symptom-- a rating scale I use for kids clinically has that item on it. It's in context of a known trauma history and clinical presentation where we conclude x y or z is a likely diagnosis. Self dialogue alone could be within the spectrum of human behavioral variation if there was no adverse impact across multiple (school/home/social) environments.

Bolding added for emphasis.

It's important for readers to remember that symptoms are generally taken in groups, and cannot be considered without also considering history, pattern, disruption.

In other words: just because you do a thing, doesn't mean you have a "problem".

Talking to oneself does not, by itself, indicate dissociation.