Therapy flunkie

[EmmaOwl]

Failed that mid term. Feeling like an idiot.

You didn't fail. You can't FAIL therapy anyway (although I know what it feels like to think so). You demonstrated what a rough time you've been having. A therapist has to know what you're going through, in order to help you. You're working hard, that is clear.

What happened *after* the shoulder shrug?

 

[EmmaOwl]

This thread is becoming a hundred kilometer long bitch fest, but somehow it is serving a purpose for me. I apologize for the whine.

This thread has turned into something good. It's your thread, but a lot of what you say makes sense to others reading along here, I can guarantee it. It's really hard to put yourself out there. Sometimes I can't do it, either. Believe me, I delete a lot of posts without posting them.

I don't want to be too much Miss Susie Sunshine here, but I think you're doing a really good job expressing yourself and your needs. You're giving things a try, posting, & seeing how others react. I don't think you're whining.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Have you written it down? That is about all I can do. Even if it is in poetic code. T would tell me to read it out loud. My voice would be soft, ashamed. I got better at it. Sometimes she would say, "that part where you are telling him about your breathing, read that again." I read it again. Of course that is the one part that I talked about doing what I had to do to survive. I guess she thought it was important for me to hear that. It still f*cking sucked reading that out loud. Therapy f*cking sucks all the time. But now I can't go for a few weeks and am lost, so do what you need to do. Someday you will be ready!

 

[anonymous]

What has really made leaps and bounds in my progress I think Is for me to write in my journal and immediately when I go in show my T a journal entry this gets the ball rolling without me having to say the words aloud.

I am not quite sure exactly WHAT to write. It is a problem for me. Obviously, there is some sort of interpersonal issue. It never takes therapists long to jump to the "trauma conclusion" with me. As I stated in the early days of the post, it just doesn't seem like it was "that bad." Maybe I am simply a snowflake. It makes it hard to know where to start and what to write.

What happened *after* the shoulder shrug?

@Allie D. , he talked about reasons for certain types of reactions. He talked about different modes of evaluation and ruling things in and out. He assure me he had never thought of me as "crazy." I asked how he responds when people tell him bizarre or bad things. I asked what goes through his mind. The resulting discussion was interesting.

Have you written it down? That is about all I can do. Even if it is in poetic code. T would tell me to read it out loud.

@TexCat, I had a bad experience in the past with it this one and the response of the therapist. I am okay with email to some.extent (which he does not answer), but to do it face to face in session....eek.

I am trying to move that direction. Again, my notebook is blank.

 

[joeylittle]

Write it down. Hand it over in session. Make a list of whatever - reasons you are afraid to talk, or life events, or topics you want him to ask you about.

Don't ruminate on the concept of failure. Breaking through a boundary - especially a self-imposed one - often takes multiple attempts.

 

[Iamsensative]

This thread is becoming a hundred kilometer long bitch fest, but somehow it is serving a purpose for...

No, that is not a failure. Maybe i should say to you after 5 yrs in therapy that happens to me. I think that way myself and that just reinforces the disappointment. I need to give myself a break. A big freeze moment, so What's the agenda... my mind goes blank and i start to talk about my puppies. It usually breaks the ice and brings me out of freeze mode. I do sometimes send him emails, this is what we need to discuss. He works with me at my pace. Give yourself a pat on the back, it takes time.

 

[Heather]

If you tell your therapist something are you afraid he will judge you?

I've been in therapy since I was a teen and I've had many different therapists some I liked, some I didn't and some left.

The therapist I have now...I love her so much. I trust her completely and am not worried that she will judge me badly....even when I tell her some not so good stuff I've done.

This has been a process that has taken a long time to get to the comfort level I have with her. Some of it is her and her way of dealing with me but I also think I am ready to truly open up and talk about stuff I may not necessarily want to talk about.

I think you should be easier on yourself. Building trust takes time and it takes as long as it takes. Its not about failing or passing its about where you're at emotionally and what your comfort level is.

It sounds like you're not quite there yet and that's OK. About 8 years ago I had a therapist that I couldn't talk to and we sat there staring at each other.

You will get there... In your own time. Dealing with this sh*t isn't easy and I completely get where you're coming from

Hang in there:hug:

 

[anonymous]

Write it down. Hand it over in session. Make a list of whatever - reasons you are afraid to talk, or life events, or topics you want him to ask you about.

@joeylittle, thanks. I read your message, and I know you are right. I know I need to move off of high center, yet I think I lack the ability to do so. Without a winch or shovel, i seem to still have no traction beneath my wheels.

I read your post and made the decision I should not comment further on this thread. It seems like whining at this point. I've been told what I need to do and have failed to follow through. It is on me. It is what it is....

Obviously, I am indecisive, and my decisions flip flop because I am back to posting on the thread.

Ugh. I can't even keep promises to myself.

. I think that way myself and that just reinforces the disappointment. I need to give myself a break. A big freeze moment, so What's the agenda... my mind goes blank and i start to talk about my puppies.

@Iamsensative, I do this as well. I can chit chat and change the subject to something more tolerable. The weather, community activities, etc. I know my T and I have common interests. The problem is, once I get him off subject, we can spend the entire hour talking about something that doesn't really matter. It makes for an expensive casual conversation.

Thr one thing that showed promise was a silly little workbook on mindfulness. We both bought the book, and when he would make me shut down, he would pull out the book and we would do a stupid and silly mindfulness exercise together. On that day, we were able to bounce between serious and silly a few times. I thought it worked well, or at least better than previous approaches. He never pulled the books out again.

If you tell your therapist something are you afraid he will judge you?

Very much so. Also, it is quite complicated. We live in a smallish provencial town. We have 14 facebook friends in common. Our lives overlap outside of therapy. We don't necessairly interact outside of there, but I don't know how we manage to avoid one another. We have only run into one another a couple of times. I know this isn't ideal, but in my town as well as the surrounding ones, everybody knows everybody. It would be the same case with any therapist I chose. I WILL have common friends.

About 8 years ago I had a therapist that I couldn't talk to and we sat there staring at each other.

We do this a lot. I am shy and quiet and so is he. I have spaced out and he just sat there.

You will get there... In your own time.

Maybe one day....

I am really not sure if I should continue to even post on this thread or participate elsewhere (although most likely I will). I just need to get off of high center. Talking about it isn't making the car move.


I do, however, value your responses and the thought you have put into them. I continue to turn your suggestions over in my head. Thank you for taking the time to put some thought into them and for being so kind as to answer and not point out that I am failing miserably. It is most appreciated.

 

[EmmaOwl]

@anonymous... I think I'm probably repeating myself or someone else - but that happens - as I navigate through this site, and you are feeling your way through. For a long, long time I felt like this site was too confusing and too much for me. People kept telling me, "You'll get used to it!" I thought that was absolutely impossible. I thought they were nuts! (And not PTSD nuts.) But I just went ahead and posted. Kind of how I learned to go ahead and tell my therapist the deepest or most awful things... Closed my eyes and did it anyway. I do still erase or decide not to post a lot of things that I write on the boards here.

I feel lost, too, but not as much. I do what I can and now I have my little habits and others have theirs... Sometimes I find something new, just clicking around. Sometimes I extend, and sometimes I don't, but I feel more comfortable, in general. I don't feel as much pressure to keep up with every single thing. So starting a thread and then dropping it? That's ok too. You don't have to answer everyone. You don't have to answer this. Experiment. DON'T answer this! :D

There's 8 pages here showing support and care! I hope that you writing, right here on this thread, has helped you feel more comfortable around the discussion boards. It happened so slowly with me, bec I am most certainly NOT a wise old sage, as I view many veteran posters here - there are times and places that I feel like the most embarrassed newbie. But really the rules are very few. Whatever helps you most, is what you should try to do, IMHO. I do suggest, don't worry if there's another thread similar to one you want to start. It's not your job to ferret out every last bit of info before you post here - and regardless, sometimes a new discussion will bring in new people, posting new things to what seems to be a tired-out topic. Then there's the added benefit of discussing an issue first-hand, and communicating with others.

@Allie D. , he talked about reasons for certain types of reactions. He talked about different modes of evaluation and ruling things in and out. He assure me he had never thought of me as "crazy." I asked how he responds when people tell him bizarre or bad things. I asked what goes through his mind. The resulting discussion was interesting.

That sounds like a pretty useful therapy session. Again IMHO. You're getting used to things and learning how to navigate therapy which seems to be a new thing to you. I think.. a lot of people here are brave, just to post, and you are among them. You're also brave to be so direct with your therapist.

I try to remind myself, sometimes I need to measure my progress not in weeks or months, but years. It's very very difficult to do, but, say, 2 years ago, I could never have posted this message right here. But I'll post anyway. It might help you, it might help someone reading along, and it might help me, learning how to be open and, closing my eyes (figuratively) and pressing the post button... Even though I think I'm repeating myself, here and there. I have standard responses to things just as everyone does - like my own personal theory that being absolutely direct with a therapist is the way to go - which you are doing. Which is excellent, just BTW!

 

[anonymous]

At what point is it time to give up?

At what point is it time to decide that maybe I'm not "therapy material" and simply a failure at this along with everything else?

How does one weigh the problems of the therapeutic relationship vs. the flunkie sitting on the floor across from the therapist's chair?

What is distortion, and what is reality?

What is an issue of projection or transference vs. the therapist truly being judgmental, irritated, and frustrated with the lack of progress?

Does he really hate me, or did I misunderstand his body language and comments?

Is it time for a clean slate with somebody new, or to simply give up? Or are my emotions a sign that I should be leaning toward the therapeutic relationship as opposed to running away?

Why is this so damn hard?

 

[anonymous]

At what point is it time to give up?

At what point is it time to decide that maybe I'm not "therapy...

Did some of your trauma happen as a child? Sitting on the floor. You walk into the room and your mind takes you to a younger place, maybe you don't open up because you are a "child" and your therapist isn't approaching it like that. What comfort item do you bring? Is it something a child would bring?

 

[UnicornSightings]

Flip a coin, dude. You've filled up 8 pages with this so far. You're stressing yourself out. Heads you give it you're all, tails you quit. Just make a decision. It's not as hard as you're making it. We all struggle with those same thoughts. Stop mind-reading, you're not that powerful.