Therapy flunkie

[anonymous]

It does make the most sense, although it's so hard for so many of us that would love to take a...

Thank you everybody for your responses. I understand on an intellectual level that all of you are correct and that I am doing this 100% wrong. I wish my mouth and the rest of my body would catch up to reality.

I guess I have now realized I have some major abandonment issues and fears of rejection. I am so scared to bring up the "wrong thing".

What if whatever I say isn't appropriate or where the conversation was intended to go? What if he doesnt like me at all after that? What if I blow the whole master plan by bringing something up out of order? What if he has intentionally avoided asking because he is not comfortable with it. What if....what if... what if....?

I realize this may not be rational.... Frequently, I think I am probably not.

 

[Fayne Jane]

For me it was finding a therapist I could trust. I wanted to do EMDR therapy and my insurance provided several sessions for free so I started with him. In the mean time I need to go to our Community Psych clinic for an evaluation to have my meds monitored by them. During that time I met a therapist that I really connected with, she explained to me while I was in PTSD crisis what was going on. But I went back to the free therapist for 3 sessions and then finally figured out this man really didn't understand that EMDR can't be done with 6 week intervals in therapy. I new I needed to see someone on a weekly basis. so I went back to the Community Mental Health center and have been under going EMDR for two months with huge changes. I don't think anyone is a therapy flunkie it is a matter of finding the right therapist. If you can't trust you can't disclose your deepest thoughts and feeling.

 

[anonymous]

...and....
I started this thread by saying I cant talk and now it seems like it has done an about face to me wanting to talk. This isnt necessairly how it works.

How it more generally wors is that he brings up something that turns on some sort of freeze response. I dont know how to respond, become distant, or stare intently at shoes or floorboards or table legs, etc.

At the end of session he says it WILL be brought up again next week and that is where we will start. I agree, I may not be THERE yet.

But because he says this, I fret and obsess and freak out and lose sleep and think about what my response should or will be when it comes up again. Then it doesnt ckme up.

Did I want to talk? Maybe? That is what I strive to do (and repeatedly fail at doing), right? Was I ready or able to? Probably not. But if he hadn't gone there maybe I wouldn't have lost a week of sleep.

 

[joeylittle]

So it's really good they do this but really frustrating until you can get to that place where you feel good taking charge of your therapy.

I understand what you are saying. But I would add - don't expect to feel good about it at first. I don't feel good taking charge of my therapy. It often terrifies me, still, and I don't always succeed at it.

It is necessary, however. So, I do my best to regulate through it.

 

[Rumors]

I don't know if this helps or not BUT.... Here is what I realized, it's not that I "don't" want to talk about things, but instead I don't know how. Literally. So, what do you do when you don't know how to do something? You learn. Do you learn how to do something in a day? Doubtful especially when, like me, I have spent 40 plus years learning the wrong way to do something. So, I look at my t as a sort of teacher and instead of putting all of this pressure on myself to "talk" about something I really have no words for and cannot understand at all, I ask a lot of questions about the things I feel about not being able to talk about the topic, my shame that seems to keep me from talking, my complete inability to comprehend the storyline, my fear surrounding what talking about it might bring up, how I can learn to put it away and take a break when needed, what trust looks like, and a plethora of other items that come up along the way. In doing this, I am peeling away at the onion so to speak because even though I am not talking about the actual acts, I am still acknowledging them and that they happened AND I am surviving the fact that I am sitting with someone and having a conversation about this. This may feel tiny BUT I can tell you it works. I went from not being able to talk about specifics about my family to telling my t about my dad beating my mom up when I was about 5 and I intervened bc I was afraid he would kill her and I thought that I could rescue her by letting him kill me. I never told anyone, nor did I ever talk about it with anyone.
As I have grown in this process I am realizing my role in my family and how it formed who I am and why I learned to keep such good secrets. I had a lot of them to keep!! I don't feel like I need to keep them anymore and although some of them are benign, some of them shaped me in ways that are unspeakable. Eventually, I will LEARN to talk about them and let them go. I have to practice patients and compassion just like we would give any 5 year old learning the alphabet. We are learning the alphabet. Give yourself a break. Next time you go in, ask questions, take notes, tell him you need to LEARN how to talk and you would like to partner with him to teach you... If he isn't the right fit, you will know quickly and you can make a change. However, it's hard to know until you have that plan in place. It is a leap of faith but you are worth it!!!
I hope this helps.....

 

[UnicornSightings]

I don't know if this helps or not BUT.... Here is what I realized, it's not that I "don't" want to talk...

Omg this totally reminded me of a quote I forgot all about. It's so simple but true. "What gets in your your way of your work IS your work"

 

[Gamera3000]

I had an experience with a therapist that I was reminded of as I read this thread. I saw this lady for many years, during a time when I was in the midst of a trauma, allowing myself to be abused because I didn't know how to get out of it. I was telling her what was going on. She was the only person I told. She didn't do anything to help me stop what was happening to me. Not even to say, "Hey, don't do that." Never did I get the impression that she cared. If you had asked me back then, I would have told you that it would have been unprofessional for her to care. I thought that how she treated me was how therapy was supposed to go.

I happened to move and saw a different therapist briefly. She was one of those emergency therapists who don't take money. She changed my life. I got out of the abuse during that time. Told my best friends what had been happening to me, and they helped me get out of it. Eventually I told my ex-husband and we got back together, had a child. My life is completely different.

I am now seeing a therapist who reminds me of that emergency therapist. She cares about me in that same way the emergency lady did. She is really helping me work through things on my own. Sometimes by just reacting to what I tell her. Like, I can tell that it makes her feel bad that something bad happened to me and she lights up when something good happens. I can tell that this is why she does her job- she truly gets something out of helping people.

I could be wrong, but maybe this is why you can't talk to your therapist. The connection is off and you need someone who cares about you more so that you can feel safe opening up.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you to everybody who has responded. I would really like to hit "like" but that would defeat the purpose of my anonymity. I appreciate the insight though. I do feel a lack of connection at times, and I agree with the statement that if I felt connected I might trust or share more. The problem is, is is not my first rodeo. I have been through other therapists and did not connect with them enough to share either. Usually I bail after one appointment. This leads me to believe it is a "me problem" and not a therapist one.

I guess it is kind of like a person who gets cross at a job and quits. They interview and get a second job by explaining that the issue with the first was because they were treated unfairly or something. It is a logical story, and the person conducting the interview gives them a chance. At the new job, it is only a matter of time before drama finds them. They are fired. This goes on for another job or two. At some point, the person conducting interviews should see the pattern. Maybe employers # 1,2,3, and 4 were not the problem. The pattern indicates it is the employee. At some point, the employee needs to accept that the reason drama seems to follow them is because they are the ones who create it.

Maybe it is time for me to just stick with somebody and see it through? Even though I am a therapy flunkie, maybe if I am retained in-grade for enough years I will eventually figure it out? Or not......

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Hey anon. You kinda seemed to want this post to close but I'm going to put one more thing out the...

Thank you. I feel like you were speaking to me, here.

 

[BlueOrange]

It doesn't seem like it should take this long.

3.5 years does sound like a long time.

I feel like I started to really have the conversations with my therapist that I wanted to have in the last 2 or 3 months. I've been seeing him since mid 2003. He did a lot of things to keep me alive during many of the last 14 years. It was only when I didn't need him in order to survive that I started being able to really feel confident enough to say the things I've been saying recently.

Your number will not be same as mine. But if all you do for the moment is stay alive so that you can have the 'really big deal conversations' later, then that's good enough for me. I can understand if it doesn't feel good enough for you, but when it comes to your problems, I have the luxury of distance. And a bigger number so far ;)

 

[anonymous]

Thanks @BlueOrange. I have been in therapy about a year. I think I might have come to the conclusion this week that my therapist may not be the best person for me. I really like him though, so I am a bit torn.

I guess it could kind of be seen like making a cross country move for a better job. No matter how many little things seem wrong about the current one, it is still a hard decision to make. It is incredibly hard to make the move because despite the bad, there is a lot of good to go along with it. Maybe you like your town and hate your job. Maybe you hate your town and love your job. Maybe you've made good friends there even though your boss is a jerk. Things like that. No matter what, moving is always hard and makes me sad.

Better the enemy you know than the one you don't, right? You add the loss of the familiar to the unknown future that awaits at the new job. Will the new boss be a jerk too? Is the job going to be there in then long run? Will you regret the decision when you walk out the door? Hours and hours and hours of endless self talk and questioning and the formulation of pro/con lists go along with that decision to leave. And in the end, you still don't know if you made the right decision. Maybe that move was worth the hassle. At the end awaits the perfect boss, the best co-workers ever, family, friends, and good times. Or maybe, you get a bigger asshole, a dysfunctional workplace, and a deep dark depression to go along with it.

And then there is always the possibility that the boss you thought was a jerk was really challenging you to be the best that you could possibly be, and you walked away. It is just such a hard decision to make.

I am kind of bird walking I guess....but thanks for the reply.

 

[BlueOrange]

Yes, it's hard. Fortunately, you're not contracted to your therapist.

In early 2003, I self-diagnosed with schizophrenia, went to my family doctor, and got sent to a psychiatrist. He diagnosed reactive depression (what with getting laid off when the Internet bubble burst and my mother dying and my wife leaving me), we talked, I seemed better, and I started getting on with my life.

Then I started feeling worse, and I went back to the family doctor, told him that the psychiatrist was an idiot (he agreed) and was given some antidepressants. I was better for a bit, but had some concerns about side effects and weird mental states. The family doctor told me I was being silly and upped my dosage, gave me some sleeping pills to go with.

When I turned delirious and violent, I stopped taking the pills, decided that the family doctor was an idiot and I was going to go it alone. But that didn't work, so I went back to the psychiatrist (who as very politely very unhappy that I went cold turkey on my antidepressants) and gave it another try.

Over the course of the 14 years, I've seen a number of different people for my mental health, and a number of different people for my physical health. I keep going back to my psychiatrist (Brett Wilson of the Melbourne Clinic) because he's earned my trust. He doesn't give me the whole truth (I can't handle the truth) but he's never lied or tried to do anything other than help me to see and express my own truth (although it took me a while to see that, and to acknowledge it as worthwhile).

A therapist is not an employer and they're not a girlfriend or boyfriend. They have no legitimate expectation of loyalty, and if they do get upset with you for getting a second opinion or seeing someone else, then they're not equipped to deal with a complex patient who has difficulty trusting therapists.