Teetering

[EveHarrington]

I feel like I'm teetering on the edge. And trying to hold on.

Background.

My life has been turned upside down. This has been going on since January. It got to be too much so I had a serious suicide attempt in April. My living situation is unstable and will be for the next 6 months, possibly. My support system is changing drastically too. One of my primary supporters (a parent) is no longer supportive of me. The de-support process has been extremely tumultuous. (Understatement.)

On the plus side, I'm finding more support elsewhere. My mom let the cat out of the bag about my suicide attempt. I was mad at first, but now I'm ok with it as people have been supportive of me. I'm ashamed to say that I've been running from this support. Reason being, my life is so tumultuous right now that I can't bear dealing with talking about my life right now.

I'm in the process of being admitted to a day program but I'm running from that, too.

I feel it's a victory to just be attending physical therapy regularly. (Fixing damage from hospital visit after suicide attempt.) But hey, my therapist is hot. ;-) (I had to throw some humor into an otherwise bleak post!)

I keep telling myself that things will be ok. Over and over and over again.

It's weird. I've shown improvement in certain areas while backsliding majorly in others. The rage is back, when triggered. (The triggering surrounds abandonment, but in this case it's actual, not just perceived abandonment. I do acknowledge that my reactions are over the top.)

It helps to know that my mom needs me just as much as I need her. Her life is being turned upside down too.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. I just need a bit of support. Maybe a few pointers of skills I can turn to in order to calm my mind down.

Thanks.
:hug:

 

[Fadeaway]

:hug: I am in the middle of procrastinating right now so I can't offer a well though out reply, but I hear you.

 

[LuckiLee]

Eve, I wish I could help you as you have helped me since I've been here. I just want you to know we hear you. (((HUGS)))

 

[One step at a time]

What are three things you can do as self care each day (e.g. drink water, go for a walk, post on the gratitude thread... whatever helps you)?

What self-soothing methods work for you, and what new ones can you try out? Make a list to carry for easy reference, and practice doing these things before you feel acute pain or crisis.

You dont have to talk about the hard things. My hardest and most necessary skills is breaking things down to small, manageable pieces. Sometimes, choosing what I will do in the next five minutes is as much as I can do, so I do that.

You dont have to say, but: how long until you go into the day program? It can help to divide that time into milestones, so that you only have to make it to the next one. More manageable chunks.

Scary as asking for support may be, you managed to ask. Brave. Keep talking here as you can - we're here for you. You don't have to do this alone.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Well, you know that I do care about you very much @EveHarrington as I've shared this with you on a number of occasions. That said, please know that everything I say here is all about being so very supportive of you Eve while trying to share with you about my past, etc. So here goes...

My last suicide attempt (physical not psychological) was in 2002 I believe and I was on a vast array of rx 7 I believe, these drugs that caused me to remain in such a state of confusion, contempt, rage (shutdown), and self-hatred, and last but definitely Eve not least was the denial that was suffocating me to death! This is all hindsight for back then I did not have a clue what was going on inside of my mind and body whatsoever. I just felt and believed that I wanted to die! And in here where we both are now Eve, I realized through other beloved members that I really did not want to die, I just wanted the freaking !#$%%@@$%&&* a** pain to stop! Please stop. That's what I truly wanted, again only in hindsight.

Back then @EveHarrington being so heavily rx medicated and wrongly dx'd I could not self-soothe, nor stop the rage for perps from within me (of which I had no idea how much was then hidden from me through dissociation) and repeatedly trying to destroy me, so I could only hold on until I finally couldn't hold on anymore, and I did indeed - let go. Yes, I let go. And this was a process of being so painfully honest with myself and realizing that until I faced my demons (and I didn't know then - my demons, or at least all of them) and until I decided that I was going to allow the trauma nightmares, the trauma triggers/flashbacks to come forward and again face my demons within and what a hell that was, I would never, ever find any ounce of solace whatsoever here on this earth. So after repeated suicide attempts and psychiatric hospital self-admissions either overnight, for days, or for weeks, I again was cooked and began to allow the layers and layers of masks (figurative) and facade slowly yet steadily fall away and I looked deep beneath at the ugly trauma and how I'd perpetuated more trauma (because I didn't know what I didn't know). And, I had used up people, places, and things to make myself "feel" better as I continued unknowingly to run from the horrors (never worked), and I was done, fine', over, and I hit the mother of all freaking bottoms Eve. I had never been fully honest with myself (because I was playing games with people, places, and things but more importantly I was playing Russian Roulette with myself a very deadly game) so again through a process of letting go more and more, continuing process of seeing and releasing so much that was standing in the way of any peace, of any semblance of trying to find happiness from within, I finally went into Emdr Therapy Eve. I had tried so many times to leave and yet I just wanted the pain to go away, can you relate?

So now you are at a crossroad and going into day treatment and this is heavy duty and I hope and pray @EveHarrington that you will become your bestest friend in the world. Since you know that you are going into day treatment, do you have a stuffed animal or a favorite pillow, blankie, white noise fan, night light, snack food, favorite sleeping top/bottom, comforter, etc? that would help you to self-soothe? Also, paper/pen to make notes to self in there. Questions you may want to ask re your past and how to deal with it while in day treatment? And self-talk that you are willing now to become as honest as you can be where you are right now with why you tried to leave the last time, and journal why? Only you can answer why you attempted suicide recently @eve and only you can answer this very important question. I hope you will be gentle with me for having risked and posted here for you, for I am only trying to be here for you now, that's it. I care that you attempted suicide and I won't tiptoe around this fact. So many did all the multitude of times I attempted suicide. And I do know how you feel I just cannot put the words in your mouth and I cannot speak your agony and your pain for you, Eve, this is something that you must do for yourself now. Pay now, or pay later. Honesty now, or revisit this again after suicide attempt and I am grateful that I/you did not succeed the last time we respectively attempted to leave @EveHarrington.

I cannot fake and feign that this is not a dire situation you are in here (for I've been where you are right at this critical moment in your life now) and I cannot make-believe and pretend that you are not in a hell of a lot of excruciating pain and raging at all of what lies beneath, Eve. And only you know what "all of it" is and only you can face it head on one thing at a time as it comes up and we are all here for you! I pray you don't get mad at me for posting my deepest thoughts and feelings about you preparing to enter day treatment after your recent suicide attempt. I risked here, spent time and energy here only because I love you and I am you up to a point, for I have been where you are now, and by the grace of God I survived as you have up to this point in time. And, I pray that you will only try to see this as a beginning, a start, a genesis for you, and that you will face your greatest fears head on and ask for and hopefully receive the help and support in treatment and also here in forum that you so desperately need and also so amazingly deserve @EveHarrington. Love, Jade.

 

[BoN-bOn]

:hug: I'm glad you are here!

 

[Deleted member 34328]

@EveHarrington how are you today? How was your night? Were you able to get some rest?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What REALLY, REALLY helps me when I feel like I am teetering (especially if strong emotions, like anger - my "go to" emotion - is involved) is DBT. I mean it is step by step actively working in a workbook for emotional regulation and distress tolerance. I bought the book Dead Link Removed (and there is an anger specific one and you can also find it at Target I learned through google/shopping). The full DBT is a class and it is said to be more indepth and if you feel you need it then do it but I couldn't do a class due to fear of people that is real bad so my therapist had me buy the book and it has gotten constant over and over use. I will regulate and stabilze and will be fine for some time and start to deregulate and destabilize and this is the go to for me. It is made for BPD but, to be honest, it has helped with many that have emotional deregulation and distress intolerance etc due to PTSD and other reasons as well.

There are also free DBT worksheets that you can find online. A good go to is these DBT self aoothing techniques: Self-Sooth

Try some grounding techniques as well as distraction techniques if needed (also a DBT thing called "ACCEPTS): ACCEPTS

Hope those help. It is also good to try to take things slower if you can and break things into smaller pieces when you can. Sorry that I don't have more advice about your dad. Abandoment is a hard one for me and also something I am currently going through so its hard to discribe something I am currently doing as I don't really know what or how I am doing it other then DBT. Also keep up on self care for sure.

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you all for your kind replies.

I very much appreciate them.

I feel that perhaps I shouldn't have started the thread due to my own inability to participate in my own healing.

I feel so overwhelmed that I can't deal with anything.

This is why I can't even go in for my assessment at the day program.

I can't afford to have them open up all the bad stuff and leave me vulnerable, only to reject me and say I am not right for their program.

I fear at that point I would make another attempt.

 

[gealach]

Why would they reject you? Is the rejection fear based, or are you worried you don't meet criteria? Could you do the assessment if you had support during and afterwards? if you can't/won't go to the day program, do you have a T or Pdoc? do you have supports in place that you can accept?

I really hope that you can find a way to do the assessment, and let others help you to heal. :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Why would they reject you? Is the rejection fear based, or are you worried you don't meet criteria? C...

I worry I do not meet their criteria.

I don't have a therapist right now but I do have a psychiatrist. He is the one who filled out my referral forms. I have been struggling to find a therapist.

 

[gealach]

I worry I do not meet their criteria.

I don't have a therapist right now but I do have a psych...

Have you talked about the criteria with your Pdoc? if s/he filled out the referral, they must think you meet the criteria.