Teetering

[EveHarrington]

Have you talked about the criteria with your Pdoc?

No, I haven't. My doctor thinks I need the additional support, but needing additional support doesn't guarantee I'll get in. They have weekly meetings to determine if an applicant is admitted.

 

[gealach]

Do you have other supports you can access? are there other supports your Pdoc can refer you to, that have less uncertainty?

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you have other supports you can access? are there other supports your Pdoc can refer you to, that...

My doctor only would know of programs in his area, which is too far for a regular commute. This program is in my community and I found it myself. I don't know of any other local programs like this one. I have limited local support, mainly just one family member.

 

[gealach]

I hope that you can accept the support from your family member, and the support here on the forum from those who care about you. You've been supportive and understanding of so many here when they were in crisis, and you deserve the same now that you are the one in need. :hug: please stay safe

 

[EveHarrington]

I was just told in chat that suicidal ideation is a bannable offense so I just want to say to mods that I'm sorry! Please don't ban me. I didn't know!

 

[digger]

told in chat that suicidal ideation is a bannable offense

Discussion of ideation is not a 'bannable offence'.
From the Community Constitution

• No Suicidal Posting: MyPTSD is not a crisis service, and posts that point directly to suicidal intent will be edited. We understand that suicidal ideation is a very real part of PTSD and allow our members to post their struggles and fears freely. Suicidal ideation is acceptable; suicidal posting is not.

If you have any further questions about administrative matters/forum policies etc, please open a help ticket.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: @EveHarrington - I'm really glad you made it through the attempt and are still with us. You are dealing with a ton of hard stuff too.

That's so cool you are doing physical therapy. (It helps when the PT is hot ;) My first PT after a recent surgery was super cute too. lol) I know PT it's not what you need for the battle with PTSD, but it's an example of reaching out and finding out someone can help with something. Hold on to these areas of growth and improvement. They are not eliminated by setbacks in other areas.

It's weird. I've shown improvement in certain areas while backsliding majorly in others.

It's not so weird, but actually common. Congrats on the improvements! - especially in spite of setbacks in other areas

I feel that perhaps I shouldn't have started the thread due to my own inability to participate in my own healing.

Nah, it's a good thread. Even if you run from this thread and everyone else, the good steps you have taken for the period of time that you take them are not eliminated. Healing doesn't always go in a straight line. In fact, healing usually means setbacks are involved. It's an expected part of the process.

Ever watch someone learn to ride a bike? It's a lot of stopping and starting for quite some time. Then eventually, they are able to go a little distance.... until they stop again. And then they try again and go a little further... And sometimes even with lots of trying, a bump in the road throws someone off balance and they crash and have to heal and get back up again before they can make any distance. When someone wobbles or has to stop peddling while riding a bike, most people don't see it as them being unable to participate in learning how to ride a bike, but that they are actually engaged in the process.

Recovery is a lot like that.

You ran into a lot of bumps in the road, but in many ways, you are still getting back up again.

I can't afford to have them open up all the bad stuff and leave me vulnerable, only to reject me and say I am not right for their program.

It is hard to vulnerably ask for help and face the reality that someone could say no. When I was looking for a higher level of care a few years ago, I ran from a few intakes, and most of humanity... So I can relate.

Have you told your doctor about this fear that they will reject you and in your distress over that, you could attempt again, and that's why you are afraid to go? They might be able to even call the program and do a little extra advocacy to help you get in and to help it go smoothly. Maybe you could call intake at the day treatment program and ask them about this very fear too. Or you could get more information if they can provide help finding alternatives if they don't admit. With ideation after an attempt, and with a doctor referral, you have a really strong chance of being admitted.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. I just need a bit of support. Maybe a few pointers of skills I can turn to in order to calm my mind down.

I completely second @lostforgottensoul's recommendation to check out DBT self help. I was spinning a bit myself today, and I ended up using some DBT skills that sometimes frankly seem... well, I was honestly thinking, "how the hell could this help?" -- but it actually worked to help me get through more effectively. It doesn't solve the pain, but it helps get through.

One thing that helps me with strong feelings of anger or anxiety (like the fear of abandonment) is holding ice. I used to carry around a frozen water bottle so that I could do this at any time I started to get triggered without it looking weird. Another option is mindfulness exercises that connect to the here and now. Anger and rage can really feel like we are responding to the here and now, but you recognize the reactions are over the top. They don't really fit for the here and now. Both the rage and the abandonment anxiety are fight or flight symptoms. It's a sign your body and brain are reacting as if the past trauma is happening in the here and now, even if that's not what you might be thinking in the moment. The reason why these mindfulness techniques can sometimes work is because it chills out that trauma response. You may still feel anger and be anxious, but over time, it won't be so over the top, in that fight or flight/rage realm. The ice kind of shocks the body to RIGHT NOW. And then it settles a little. Holding something cold doesn't work for everyone, but it was a common technique used at an intensive treatment program I did so much that there was almost always someone in the program holding an ice pack for strong anxiety or anger. A common mindfulness techniques is counting everything in a room that is of a certain color, and then moving on to the next color. It's not about the colors, but connecting to the here and now, and pulling the brain out of that fight or flight response that is from the past.

I hope you find something that helps to get through, and that things work out to get into the day treatment program. If none of these thoughts are helpful, feel free to disregard too. :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

One thing that helps me with strong feelings of anger or anxiety (like the fear of abandonment) is holding ice. I used to carry around a frozen water bottle so that I could do this at any time I started to get triggered without it looking weird.

A video of Marsha Linehan (creator of DBT) she said that her clients liked to bring in those plastic balls that you freeze and use in the place of ice cubes so it doesn't water down your drink. These: EZ Ice Cubes 30 pieces They have water inside that freezes. She said they would bring them to therapy and when they had to talk about something hard they would hold them. It is small enough to fit into a pocket or a bag and the only water is the condensation on the outside. A frozen water bottle is a good idea too as no one would look twice at you holding a water bottle.

It's a grounding technique. And it does seriously ground you.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I'm just really glad you're still posting Eve. It's important to know people are listening to what you have to say.

I'm definitely not one who believes in "hang on and healing is right around the corner" but you do have some good suggestions. My T told me right from the beginning to always hold on to a water bottle.

I also used a strong elastic band. When I felt myself falling, I snapped the band. It hurt enough to draw my attention away from wherever my mind was going. I'm using one right now. It has no edges or sharp points to encourage self-harm either.

Please keep posting...I for one, am watching for your responses.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Why would they reject you? Is the rejection fear based, or are you worried you don't meet criteria? C...

Me too @EveHarrington and if you don't go and/or call? and see if you meet the criteria for day treatment then how will you ever find out if in fact you do indeed meet the criteria? And I know that you know that this is a very important step in your trying to move forward and only trying to face your past thus allowing yourself to try and begin the healing process @EveHarrington and I do get this! I do.

You know perhaps you are not ready to face your past and face what lies beneath and I get that too for it took me decades and I very much appreciate @Justmehere learning to ride bicycle metaphor for this metaphor is so relatable for me as I was your word literally teetering and falling off my bicycle when learning to ride, also nearly was killed on it too, and same with in-patient treatment and also outpatient treatment as well I was wobbling (like on bike) all over the place, ups and downs like riding my bicycle and stops and starts in therapy as well Eve. I will never pretend in here to know when that time of discovery and being in recovery will be for you, or if that time will ever come for you Eve. And it is definitely a journey and never has been a destination for me as I am continuing to struggle post Emdr and only trying and stepping out in fear and into faith and trying to learn to live in the moment and how freaking hard this is Eve! OMGosh! Freaking hard! I just don't want you to allow your past to haunt and kill your present as it is doing now because I did this for decades! Perhaps I couldn't have handled the truth about traumas I'd suffered and dissociated from years back.

I allowed perps to nearly kill me and rob me of living for decades! And when I know better I only try to do better. I wish and this is silly for wishing won't turn back my hands of time - I could have started in Emdr Therapy decades ago for I've lost so much time and feel like I wish I'd known about this type of therapy long ago. Wishing won't change anything for me now. I know this.

And only for me Eve living with day to day debilitating trauma will and I know this because I'd lived it for a long, long time Eve nearly kill if not kill for anyone any chance of having any semblance of deep inner peace in their (my) life, and any semblance of a future free from perps w/o repeated suicide attempts and without flashbacks/triggers, and w/o coming to terms with all that had been heinously cruelly done to my body and mind. If I hadn't paid now and continue to learn and try and grow and change, I would most definitely still be paying later with more and more suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, and prior mega flashbacks and triggers, etc. No, my life is not healed fully, yet I will only try and continue to push forward and only try to change what I can (again Serenity Prayer). You know Eve there's still a lot about myself that I need to change and I cannot do it alone, therefore yesterday I (again and will continue) was in therapy for an hour continuing to work hard on my longstanding character defects, my personality issues that were first taught me and that I need to let go of and change about myself and these long-standing taught to me by perps full of hate and venom negative character behaviors have kept me from love, life, and from trying to live a loving existence, and I want to know what deep, inner happiness feels like! I want to know?!?

And I had no idea of what I wasn't even fully aware of all that had been done to my body and also to my mind until after starting and still continuing long-standing hard, grueling therapy work, and I am still in therapy. All I am doing here with you now is sharing my experiences, strengths, and hopes for you about my ongoing metamorphosis which prayerfully will continue until I die. I hope I remain willing to try and live in the moment and to try and change the things I can about myself with a little help from my friends out here where I live, and also in here (forum), as well. And Eve I missed you when you were not here for like and I am hurting because you are hurting and I will have to accept any decision you make regarding your life, for it is truly only your life to live. I do so care.

All I know is that after years of not dealing w/what had been done to me by perps (and also what I'd perpetuated myself after they taught me through their evilness how to try and self-destruct) I'd had all of the suicide attempts, razor blade slits all up and down my arms (scars) and enough of ingesting rx medications to try and leave and I was hitting a bottom with waking up after trying to leave. I got so sick and tired of being so sick and tired Eve. I got so freaking sick and tired of being so flipping sick and tired Eve. I'd had all I could stand of living in the past with the perps, suicide attempts, flashbacks, etc. and black hole nothingness, and I just couldn't do it (live like that) anymore Eve. They (perps) took decades away from me and I let them even after some of them were deceased I just kept letting them live rent free in my head and allowing them to control my thoughts, feelings, and my entire life and I lived in the moment with them constantly and all of the time until Emdr! So sickening! I cannot believe how much time I let them have of my life, OM gosh!

So in order to stop attempting suicide and stop cutting, and stop taking pills to leave and to stop living in the past with perps, I had to try and allow myself to try and begin the healing process and I truly did not know if I had another suicidal recovery left for me and I truly did not want to kill myself, are you like this too? And there is no perfect way and it is a long journey. I just wanted the freaking pain to stop! And I have been where you are right this moment and like @brokenEMT said we are here for you! And, I am here for you and I do oh so much care about you and your last attempt was about trying to live along with what you are not willing to deal with in day treatment? This is a question you need to ask yourself for I was only hurting myself by not being painfully and rigorously honest with myself as to why was I wanting to leave and why was I attempting suicide? Why? You said above that you are not participating in your own healing, yes you are. Baby steps. Yes you are. You'll never know Eve how grateful I am for your all of your posts - those who help others, and whether believe it or not, those posts you've made that do indeed help you on this journey of discovery about who are you? What makes you tick? What do you want, Eve? What do you want for you? Please ask yourself this question. I had to ask myself do I want to continue to try and leave, or do I want to only try to get to the root of what was causing me not want to stay here? I now know fully why and I so care about you and do not want you to live in perpetual hell from what perps did to you. I flipping did this for decades Eve. You don't have to. It's a choice. And you're going to be mad at me for saying this again, however, I care enough to risk sayin' it again: You either pay now, or you will later, I guarantee you that precious one.

And again I understand how hard this is for you, I do for I've been there!!! Whatever works for you is most important here. I needed to try and share my hell and perhaps someday one day maybe spare someone that agony that I'd lived in for decades, that's all. I am for whatever you choose to do, for this is your life now and nobody else's. This is your life now! Please don't be mad at me for being honest here. I want you and all members here to be honest with me here and I'd wished I had known about forum when I was attempting suicide so many times back in past. This will be my last post re this subject matter with you for I do not wish to ever wear out my welcome and your ability to tolerate my risking in here and telling you my truth. I have overstepped my boundaries in this post, and probably in the last one too. If that doesn't tell you that I care, well. But I won't risk again hurting you and alienating your concern for me. No I won't and I do respect your boundaries, so this is it. Luv. (((HUGS))).:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@EveHarrington, do you know what the criteria is for the local day place or can you call to see? Ask what it takes to join or be accepted. I am not sure what sort of day place it is but if it is like a hospital I would think that just having a failed suicide attempt and feeling like you are falling again would be acceptable to be accepted but you may need a letter or call from your PDoc. Can you contact your PDoc or their office and see if they will write a letter or call them?

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you all.

Trying to take it all in.

:hug: