Buried past...told to put down the shovel

[Deleted member 37474]

I have lived for 25 years with a buried secret. I am the one that put it there. I am the one that had a bunch of stressors that caused an earthquake last fall to let this crap out. I am impatient to know everything that happened, every sick detail, so I dig around, read old college letters, look at photos, old poems I wrote, artwork, listen to songs. Ask people questions about that night. It is like I am a private detective into my own past. And while I obsessively do this, I relive it. I was told last night to deal in the present, stop digging in the past, don't stalk your abuser on social media, no good can come of it, it isn't healthy. Stay in the present. Yet while I cried myself to sleep and curled up against the imaginary green vinyl dorm bed edge last night, I relived those horrible emotions (that had been buried) and my friend on this site pmed with me and I didn't feel alone. This morning I feel fine. Better.

So how is this not healing? I am having trouble understanding why I was told that this is not healthy.

 

[Deleted member 541]

There is a difference between being obsessed with your abuser\ trauma and dealing with what you know and learning to process what you feel.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

Your post reminded me of the Faulkner quote: "The past is never dead, it isn't even past." I think uncovering details of your trauma is an essential part of the process. I also think self-care is essential. By "obsessively" uncovering, as you you say, I wonder if you're looking for evidence to support self-blame? I hope this is not the case as it would make me sad. Please be gentle with yourself my friend! (((TCat)))

 

[Muttly]

I want to back up up a bit. Who told you to leave it alone? Who is implying the work you are doing isn't healing? Are you digging through your past in a way that does you more good than harm?

 

[Deleted member 41765]

Yes, I also agree with @Muttly

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I want to back up up a bit. Who told you to leave it alone? Who is implying the work you are doing isn't...

It was in chat. Actually the person had extremely helpful info. Kind of a slap me back into reality approach. I was kind of freaking out because I was looking up my rapist on social media to see what he is up too. I get so mad because he appears happily married with kids. It feels like a dagger is shoved into my chest. Then I question my memories. Maybe it wasn't as violent as my body sensations suggest. Maybe he didn't press his hand on my neck. Maybe my stored memory of giant holes and blanks is the only true memory. I mean, it was still rape, but much more gray. My last T told me to trust my perceptions because I have to process them anyway. But I have been out for a month. Start over next week. I was feeling numb so felt a need to remember this crap so that it makes sense to go. But also... realized that I was triggered about college early yesterday and didn't realize my obsessive search followed that. How much is too much? I did process something. But it was painful and I was mostly on my own.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess you have to do what you have to do, but I would say where they are now or how they seem to be doing is too much, unless you're trying to avoid them or press charges.

I know just lately I had considered going somewhere else, or trying to (I mean for my sake) though I doubt it, but it reminds me I have bad memories there, also the park. Mind you, I'm sure ~25 years later things might look different, and years ago I avoided another place for 20 years and ultimately figgured out the worst physical trigger (carepeting), but I refuse to google names any more.

People can/ do horrible things and have good qualities, +/or repeat/ continue but present an idealic lifestyle. I don't want to know. I also don't go on FB.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@TexCat One of my traumas I was gang raped while being drunk by a bunch of college students from a VERY elite college. I don't know who they were, and don't care..... Even if I knew who they were it wouldn't help me to be looking them up on social media. What would it prove??? Nothing! It would only cause me more pain and suffering. I already have enough of that.

Deal with what you know.... you know you were raped. You know how you felt then, and how you feel now, so deal with that. Don't try to fill in the blanks, they will either fill in when the time is right, or they won't. I have tons of stuff, that I only have a fragment, or snippet of a memory or flashback. I deal with just that, and I don't try to force or find out more. I have ENOUGH to deal with with what I do know. It's the same with you too.....

 

[Tinyflame]

1000 likes to @She Cat above.

Just came back to add, I know one was becoming a shrink (???! :eek: ); one re-opened his business after prison time, (I think?) one died in prison, or got out, I blocked it out.. . One was going to 'anger-management'.. Etc.

Similarly, a FB account is the last thing a person who wants to remain invisible or un-found creates. Not to mention it's notoriously known for people posting BS- how they want to be seen, not who or how they are.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

@TexCat One of my traumas I was gang raped while being drunk by a bunch of college s...

I just don't know if I am wired that way. I don't think that I process stuff the same as everyone else. I get so upset when new stuff pops up out of my control. I feel like if I dig, find and uncover it all, no more surprises. I want to be in control!!! I want to grieve some of this. I want to feel the pain. I was numb to this for so long. I feel like I need to honor it before I put it away. Some day, I want to send him a letter, I want to send his roommate a letter I want to send the RA from his floor a letter. I probably won't. I am just so angry about it. And last night I felt the vulnerability. Something I haven't been able to touch in therapy.

 

[Tinyflame]

I want to grieve some of this. I want to feel the pain.

The events have happened. And surely past and current losses deserve grief.

I lived with so much fear, and do, I can't let those people/ incidents live rent-free in my head anymore. Or I will explode (but not in anger). Bad enough I have lousy memories/ intrusive thoughts/ FB's.

I have almost no control, so I gave up seeking it.

Hugs & healing to you, whatever works for you. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@TexCat One quote that has always stuck with me........ "To ask WHY is to open the door for more abuse". If you feel the need to ask why and open that door, then be prepared for the abuse that will greet you on the other side,...

Yes, you need to grieve, you need to know that what happened was wrong on so many levels. But you can't go back and change it, but you can go forward and heal.