1st legit relationship since leaving abuser

[CookieDoe]

I had been doing well for the two years prior to trying to date again. I thought that I had faced all my issues head on and resolved most of them. Now, i am feeling less and less confidant that I made any progress. I have been acting completely out of character. I can't even communicate properly with him most of the time. My tone is off and my wording makes him feel attacked. I'm trying hard to figure out what starts the cycle so I can end it, but when I try to focus on it and ask him about it, he states that I am tunnel visioning too much and it is the bigger picture.
I have been putting off therapy because I don't have money or time to go.
I'm trying hard to correct damage caused by contacting my ex abuser and getting "trapped" in a conversation involving flirting. My so took it as cheating.
Then I lied about it fearing the outcome if so knew. (Normally I would get beaten for this) I'm a mess. I'm causing my so to be depressed and not want to be with me. I'm terrified he is going to leave because I'm not fixing me fast enough and I keep making mistakes.
Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I'm curious to know why you contacted your ex-abuser.

I'm also curious what kind of self-care you practice daily.

Did you learn methods of how to healthily love yourself in the time you spent out of a relationship? It sounds weird to many, but speaking as someone who never learned how to healthily do that, it made a huge difference for me in the situations I attract.

I wasn't able to work through all I experienced on my own. It takes a village. It's an ongoing process that doesn't ever really become resolved to the point where there's no more concern with it, that I've found, thus far.

I found a local sexual and domestic abuse shelter who offers free counseling for anyone who qualifies. Qualifying has nothing to do with income, only lived experiences. They also offer a weekly support group. That level of support has been priceless and of a much higher quality than what I previously received through insurance approved options.

We tend to fall into a learned groove of seeking understanding and balance through many different external means, professionally and personally, until we have nothing left to reach for. That's when the desperate dive inward proves to be beneficial and very necessary. Best wishes.

 

[CookieDoe]

I'm curious to know why you contacted your ex-abuser.

I'm also curious what kind of self-c...

We have a child together. I thought I could get some financial help from him for her. Once he started flirting, I didn't know how to safely disengage.
I have been doing much more for myself, changed my diet, making time for myself and my art, started roller derby as a means to physically be active and social. I've had to relearn social skills.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Would going through a child support advocate vs. personally approaching him be a better/more overall user-friendly idea to ensure he provides financial care? That way it's sure to put clear boundaries in place with no room left for him to think or assume you may be approaching him for other reasons, too.

Sounds like you're on a good path with the self care stuff. Sometimes, something as simple as becoming aware of our breath can change the flow of our day. "Peopling", even with some of my favorite ones, remains the most challenging thing for me to do and can drain my energies instantly.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is he in your daughters life?

Asking for financial support can be a double edged sword as it may mean regular contact, visitation rights, etc.

Do you want your child to see her abusive father?

 

[CookieDoe]

Is he in your daughters life?

Asking for financial support can be a double edged sword as it may...

I'm just not going to pursue any help from him at this point. He is manipulative enough to find a way to mess with me.
I can't allow that to happen. My life is a mess enough as is without adding more salt to the wound.

The self care has helped. I work in customer care so I deal with conflict resolution but there aren't emotions involved with that. Once personal emotions and relationships are involved, I fall apart like a dollar watch. It's not fair to the people that love me nor myself. I'm feeling stuck in this rut of self doubt and feeling worthless. I know I'm not but the feeling still encompasses me. I break down and wall up. Anytime something is difficult, I fold in on myself and take everything as if people are trying to hurt me instead of help me. I spoke to a coworker today and he suggested I ring his psychologist as he is really good and works with people with ptsd.
One of my biggest fears is spending money because I don't feel like I can. I wasn't allowed to work for a long time. Now, I've been at the company for 2 years and I'm the director of my department. I've come a long way with myself, but personal relationships.... I've just come to expect abuse in one way or another. Some times after I trigger and calm down, I ask myself "am I trying to create misery for myself because that's what I think love is now?" I don't know. I confuse myself. Today has been a great day. I came home from work happy, I'm not letting things bother me, I'm thinking clearly, and I feel warm inside instead of dead. That can change at a drop of a hat though. I know it can and I will start the cycle all over again, much like the cycle of abuse. "Honeymoon, verbal, physical, honeymoon... ect."