Relationship Snapped at my boyfriend 2 days ago, feeling guilty

[clarapark]

This is the first time for me to burst out in front of him. I was exhausted physically and mentally. His family who doesn't know anything is a tough one, his aunty hates me for something I did not do and his grandpa too. Been having too much pressure at work lately. He kinda snapped at me earlier on that day. I f*cking had enough for a moment, but I kept my patience again and tried to think positively that it's just me being tired after months try to hold it in.

Suddenly, I figured out that he went to a bar with a girl, thank god she's my friend, and had a beer. I didn't know that, I was pissed and told him: next time, please just tell me. And he lashed out at me saying: I swear to f*cking God I did f*cking tell you I went there. When I checked my chat conversation with him that time, he was wrong, he didn't say anything about the bar. And then came the excessive shame, covered with angry outburst. We both know that he has memory problems. I told him calmly to just tell me next time, but he ignored me.

Then I suddenly did rant back at him, saying I'm tired, it's been months since his diagnosis but he never evaluated himself, no willpower to be better and keeps downgrading me like I'm a piece of shit. I didn't say these following things, but fyi he keeps pointing out blindly about my anxiety disorder is more severe than his ptsd while I actually recover faster than him, saying my progress are short-term progress and almost useless while I always tried to build up my self-conscious and overcome my anxiety that I have become a survivor now, calling me names, telling me that I've been living in a fairytale while it's only a strong willpower to have a stable condition. None of it ever makes sense to me, and all of those downgrading words have never been necessary. It doesn't matter who's more severe! He doesn't make any progress, and I've been fine with it, I take care of everything for him, I always love him with my all even when he relapsed, but just this one day I had mental and physical fatigue and now he's shutting me out. Been 2 days. He said he needs some time off because he feels really conflicted at the moment. I just told him that I'm getting exhausted, and he suddenly pushed himself away from me. The shut out is not something new, but this time is really different.

The guilt has been all over me. I should've been stronger than this, I should've been better in controlling my exhaustion, I should've not said anything that night. I've been crying for 2 days because I'm scared that I'm gonna lose him, and sad thinking about how hard it is not to be able to feel love, compassion, and empathy completely because of his emptiness. It must be hard for him to listen to my rantings that night.

I feel so down right now. I used to do a lot of self-care but now I feel like I just wanna cry until he came back. What should I do? I just wanna be a good carer and I feel like I just failed.

 

[dulcia]

Not fair for you to have to be the strong and steady one all the time. Outbursts can happen, don't beat yourself up about it, you can't change it now. See what you can do to remedy the situation moving forward and get yourself some support outside of the relationship (friend, social group, therapy).

 

[Sweetpea76]

I agree. We've all been there. I've snapped at my vet several times. Your emotions are valid too, and when you feel anger, sometimes it boils over. Nobody is born knowing how to be a supporter, it's a learning process.

I'd give him some space and let him settle down.

 

[anmun8]

I'm sorry you are going through this. If you need to keep crying, cry. But than get yourself back up and keep moving. I have been in the same situation as you. Tired and than so frustrated with everything that I just pile up and explode also. Which is normal because we also have emotions too and cant always be strong for them. The only thing is to be strong & take care of yourself in that moment because secondary ptsd is not what we want either. Give him the space and it will also help you. Let everything cool down.
Big hugs!

 

[grimalkin]

You definitely are not alone! I, too, have my own mental illness (anxiety and depression), and have been struggling with them my whole life. And, I, too, have had my sufferer use the fact that they haven't always been under the control I thought, against me, while refusing to deal with his own c-PTSD.

I feel such intense guilt sometimes for "letting him down" (which, really, I didn't do - I just didn't know how to give him what he needed...and couldn't, because what he needs is healing, and I can't do that for him) and not being the rock he needs. And it's incredibly difficult to forgive myself, when he won't forgive me either.

Take care of yourself, first and foremost. Give him space, but give yourself love and care.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Sounds to me like you had good reason to snap. Having ptsd doesn't give anyone the right to be an asshole.

I'm curious, though. Have you ever been in a relationship with anyone ever and not snapped? That doesn't even sound possible to me.

 

[GrayOwl]

Well spoken all.
Clara....You don't expect perfection from others.
Please don't expect perfection from yourself.
Forgive yourself for your moments of behaving human.
Pull up the trousers and dust them off, try telling the S/O you are sorry that they are hurting and struggling, and leave it there.
Don't analyze, or go any further - sometimes a few simple words convey the message.
When the time is right for speaking, it will happen.
It is difficult. But the simple truth is that both of you have needs and are hurting.
Convey that message in as few words as possible, and leave it at that for now.
It sounds like you do a wonderful job as a supporter and working on yourself.
Kudos.

 

[clarapark]

Now it's been 5 days since he shut me out. I give him some time for himself to calm down and think, I guess he's been enjoying his quality time--being alone. Been talking to his psychologist too for advices to avoid more misunderstandings and false actions. I still wanna be with him of course, I'm ready to deal with his shit everyday and be a better supporter if he gave me another chance. I wish he would.

Thank you everyone. I'm devastated that I have trouble sleeping, I lose my appetite and been feeling gloomy all the time... Just figured out that I lost 1.5 kilo in 4 days... My friends and colleagues have been trying to cheer me up, and I guess I feel better now. At least, I slept better last night since my friend asked me to sleepover although deep down inside I'm still struggling and extremely frustrated.

 

[clarapark]

Well spoken all.
Clara....You don't expect perfection from others.
Please don't expect perfection from...

Thank you. I alr did that, and I guess it's enough. I just need to wait and be more patient. I hope I didn't lose him.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Have you ever been in a relationship with anyone ever and not snapped? That doesn't even sound possible to me.

Where's the super like button? Yes!

I mean, it happens. Talk about it, learn from it, move on. That is all anyone can do!

Supporters can have moments too and its ok. Being a supporter isn't easy and it isn't possible to be in any relationship and never snap. Add in PTSD and you just added a shit ton more stress and emotions and just everything. Its going to happen. Just give yourself and him some space to allow for emotions on both sides to settle, talk about it later, learn from it (as everything in life is a lesson that we can take something from - in my opinion), and move on from it.

Sending supporting :hug:s!

 

[g3mma]

I know how you feel! And I am sorry you feel the way you do.
I sometimes wish I had the courage to scream and explain everything I feel, but the words just don't come out. I have learnt to respect the need for space but constantly feel guilt, the need to show my love and to justify myself - BUT I live in fear it will just make things worse if I was to. Then when he is not having a withdrawn moment he doesn't like to hear or discuss about them and feels guilty for what he put me through.
My S/O(if i can even call him that anymore) arent talking at the moment. Alot happened and was a case of bad timing and sadly a simple text message was misread. He was going away and I asked to see him before hand and he took it as me being needy and selfish! And it spiralled from there.
The last I heard he said we will talk when he gets home in 3 weeks - till then I have no idea what to do, or how to feel. Hard to have emotions when I don't know what to be feeling, or where I stand with him.
He was diagnosed with PTSD over 5 years but doesn't seem to accept it most the time. However when times like this arise he is quick to tell me I need to resolve my own mental issues - but then most of the time he doesn't acknowledge them so now I feel its just a lash out at me!

 

[Ann S]

I think that is not fair...