Not available....cutting off people

[Rani G2]

I have been told I am unapproachable... and in many ways I am very reserved about my personal life.... so maybe, for me, I am sending the message not to ask. I don' know..

If someone asked about you, what would you say?

Ladee, I remember you told me that you Dont place much information about yourself out there. Only a few have the capacity to empathize, understand that people bring their own history with them, being non judgemental.

If people ask me how I am doing, I usually say “not so good“. Many wont make any effort to ask further...I dont know if that again is a strategy to keep people on distance. If they ask why, I say work sucks, plus I dont feel good.

 

[ladee]

I feel when people ask how we are doing, they only mean it in a surface conversational way, they really don't want to hear what we are feeling or thinking... my reply is, ' well, I'm behavin', that's as good as it's gonna get'.... usually they laugh, as was the intent.. I know who is interested, and who is making small talk... out in the world, say at a store or work, is not the place for me to get into my issues... I live in a very friendly town...Most everyone speaks such as 'good morning' and smiles... some will even say, how are you, the answer is the one I give above... my personal friends here in town, two of them, is who I would give an honest answer to.... and that would depend on where we were.... Really , come to think of it, only one.... as the other has turned into more of a surface relationship....

I tend to figure things out for myself or come here.... for the heavy stuff.... people 'out there' are clueless what we are talking about , and give surface solutions.... oh, sorry to hear that, hope you feel better soon... and then we get frustrated.... not everyone really cares how we are feeling.... that is just a fact... they have their own life they are dealing with....

To find some one in the world to talk to, we have to join groups of like minded people... and sometimes , talking with people of the wordl 'out there',it's not because they don't care, they simply do not know how to deal with the intensity we feel about things... it is overwhelming to them....
Like you about work, they are thinking, if you are so unhappy , quit.... which is the right answer, but have no idea the process we have to go thru to get there.... so possibly, for now, maybe you will have to settle for us... we listen, we understand, we care, we have suggestions on how to deal with the feelings.... ect... and somewhere along the way you will either learn what to look for for some one who will really listen, or you will accept that others simply are surface, and like you said 'asleep'.... I find that a lot myself... just unconscious to the world and what is going on around them....that is life... we can't stay upset over what others do or don't do... well, we can, but it solves nothing and takes a lot of energy...

And this is a simple thing, yet hard to do... we have to be interested in our own life, and seeking answers where ever we can find them... I have found many of mine in the written word... thru books, still from 'people', but not face to face...

You do have friends here, I hope you count me as one of them... and we listen, and we care.... so hopefully you will struggle thru this and find your answers.... sending you lots of gentle hugs today....

 

[joeylittle]

If people ask me how I am doing, I usually say “not so good“.

I try and say "I'm here". It's something that's true (as opposed to saying I'm fine), it's closer to neutral for me emotionally (as opposed to saying I'm not good, which never actually helps me change my mood), and it reminds me to just stay in the moment and shift my focus away from checking in internally (if that makes sense).

I really had to make an effort to be consistent with it - and sometimes I'm not as diligent about it as I should be. But when I do practice it regularly, I notice a difference.

 

[Rani G2]

To find some one in the world to talk to, we have to join groups of like minded people... and sometimes , talking with people of the wordl 'out there',it's not because they don't care, they simply do not know how to deal with the intensity we feel about things... it is overwhelming to them....

Thats a point Ladee, true! Thank you for your insights!

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Some of my go-to responses when asked in passing, "How are you?", are:

Just as happy as if I had good sense.

Doing well, I suppose, no one's told me any differently, yet.

Just another day in potential paradise.

Doing well, thanks, hope you are, too.

I'm still breathing and upright, so far so good.

Not too bad, but I'm sure I'll get over it.

I enjoy the different responses and conversations that sometimes get sparked as any answer outside of the typical socially accepted and expected script throws folks off their usual game and their realness has a chance to shine through, even if only for a second.

I often think that each person behind each of the faces I encounter within my days are also hurting deeply in their own ways, so why not try to lighten a moment when I can, even if it's just a few seconds in passing.

I still get an occasional 'what the hell is she talking about' look, lol, but more often than not, I at least get a smile or a giggle. I'll take all of those I can get within a day. Belly laughs are a huge bonus. I'm sometimes brought to tears by the heartfelt responses and stories that get shared in those moments.

If it's a trusted friend/family member/acquaintance, I'll more likely share the actual issue(s), if I'm in a space of being able and comfortable enough to do so in the moment. Most of my closest connections know me well enough to know when something isn't right/feels off and are usually the first to mention it. Which is perhaps another one of the main reasons I enjoy my solitude on such a grand scale. Hmmm...

 

[Rani G2]

Actually, if I am very honest with myself, I have massive selfworth issues. Still,even when I think I have come far, if I really do some introspection I feel less worth, incapable, less pretty, less smart. This is a strong aspect as well. Its hard to say this, but the very wanting to get validation of others is something I still deal with

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I still struggle with those feelings, too. If I ever get it figured out, I'll holla! It sends me straight to the ditch some days, no matter how many good days there's been to supposedly balance things out.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I have learned that all the validation in the world won't help with esteem issues. Ego-stroking feels like water on a hot day, but it can't penetrate deep enough to heal you.

We all need self-love, self-acceptance, self-compassion. Then, we can give freely and need nothing in return. I've made huge gains in this area, yet I still find myself craving the *likes*. I guess I'm still searching, too.

 

[ladee]

My self worth really started to surface in a more realistic and meaningful way when I did inner child work... it was my little Ladee that needed all that validation, and who better to give it to her than me... she was not very trusting at first, after all I had abandoned her to survive... and it took consistent work to reconnect... I am very aware today when 'little Ladee is present.... and she is a character !!!
so, just a suggestion.. inner child work... I know it worked miracles for me in integrating so much of my trauma and helping with my self esteem and confidence....gentle hugs .

 

[Deleted member 33052]

My self worth really started to surface in a more realistic and meaningful way when I did inner child wor...

Same for me, ladee. Little Mal is learning that she's loved and valued, and that's the key to solving this puzzle.

 

[Rani G2]

I find Sundays, especially those where I know work is just around the corner.... i hate, absolutely hate mondays. Same same f* monday.

 

[ladee]

I understand, mine was Fridays... hated them... I got laid off.... a blessing in disguise.... are you looking for another job,or do you feel it would be the same everywhere? Gentle hugs.