Thank you all for responding!!! So I didn't go today. At the last minute I sent her an email saying I was canceling today cause I couldn't stand the idea of her showing up and waiting for me. Seemed so rude. Anyway I just sent her this email to explain. I feel dumb that I sent it but I loved at least getting it out. I'm sorry it's long but would love it if you guys could reassure me that I'm not a weirdo lol
"Hey. Can I ask you a question? For someone with attachment issues, don't you think it would be getting better over time? It seems to me that it would at least lessen and not come back stronger over time. And I get maybe talking about the past and how I wasn't loved probably has something (or everything) to do with it but it makes way more sense to me that separation is the answer. If attachment is the problem the answer is to stay the hell away. But then that's gonna always be there. From what I've read this can never really be healed since there's only so much you can do as a therapist, you know? You can offer compassion and understanding but that's not unconditional love and having you in my life forever. It's valuable but seems to just increase attachment. So then, what is the answer? I know this isn't new but it just infects everything. Like in our last session, when you said "well you can just leave" when I said I didn't want to talk to you anymore that day. I'd like things to just not affect me. And having you point out again how I care about what people think.... I mean it's kind of overwhelming cause you know I don't WANT to be like that. And it's never more true than with you and what you think. Someone said in a forum post that therapists work for you and their feelings don't matter in the relationship. That sounds so cold but I've been trying to force myself to believe that. Not that that would allow me to be awful, but just that that sort of thinking would be more helpful. One thing from seeing other therapists for short times is I always went in with confidence. This is what I'm dealing with. No attachment, no obvious insecurity in what I wanted help with. That goes out the window with you. So really, what's the answer? You are doing exactly what I want, we are covering what I want in the way I want and it's challenging enough and you are patient enough when I want to not talk about things and you are kind when I cancel, nothing you are doing is reason for me to want to not go but yet my brain keeps telling me this isn't helping. And more specifically that I need distance. To get over this. That it will hurt for awhile and then maybe I won't ever think of you. And it isn't intense right now. Just a background noise. The wanting you to... I don't know. Love me unconditionally. There was an article I read awhile ago that made me laugh but it was so true. That we want to walk hand in hand with our therapists towards the sunset.
Anyway. That's what's going on right now. I was just planning on not showing up and not letting you know but at the last minute couldn't do that. I WANT to work on what we're working on. I don't really need a response to make me feel better or to reassure me. I really am ok feeling all sorts of weird. I guess I just wanted you to know since I wasn't there to say any of this. I wrote you an email after our last session that I didn't send and one part of it was accusing you of not being yourself and as I kept writing I realized what a projection that was. How a lot of the time how I show up isn't really me. I'm always me in writing, though which is why I prefer it. How great would it be to just have email therapy?!
See you next week and thanks for reading. Sorry I didn't feel that I was able to go today although I think not going helped me in getting these thoughts out. I think I would've clammed up in session. "
