Undiagnosed He waited till i made eye contact, then fiancé committed suicide.

[Ralphepoo]

I was in my early 40's when I finally met the love of my life! We were engaged, (after he talked to my grown kids to make sure they approved) I was happier than I've ever been!
June 4th, 2016 we were having a great day remodelling the double wide we had just moved into. At 7:45 I had posted a pic of our new living room furniture, a foosball table! He was joking about all we need now is a pool table! Lol
At 8:00 I was pulling out of the driveway to go to store for smokes. He ran out to the end of the driveway. Said, "Paula, you're REALLY gonna want to see this!" I turned my head to say "what baby" and as soon as I made eye contact he shot himself in the head!
It's just over a year later and I can still hear his voice say those words! I can still see him fall to the ground right beside the mailbox! My heart still bangs out of my chest just like it did when he pulled the trigger.
I haven't been diagnosed because I haven't been to therapist yet. (No insurance-I'm now searching) I've talked to a couple friends who were in Vietnam and they both agreed that I definitely have PTSD. I'm sitting on porch smoking a cig right now, shaking so hard I can barely hit these tiny letters on my damn phone! (My neighbor finds it amusing to shoot his 380 out back! He knows I have PTSD, and he was my fiance best friend!
If I go to the grocery store alone I end up leaving before I've bought everything I need because my heart is pounding in my ears! (I never realized how loud those buggies are)
I've become scared of the dark! I've always been a night person! I can't remember the last time I walked out to my truck after dark without a flashlight!! Ugh
A long time friend I've known for around 15 years said how are you REALLY?! All I could think to say is it's changed me! He said I was the strongest person he'd ever met! He can look in my eyes and see that person is gone!
I have a newborn granddaughter! She's beautiful and amazing! I know i love her but I can't FEEL IT!! That makes me even sadder!!
I've blabbed long enough! Lol
Thank you for being here! I've been searching for a while!

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Welcome! Your intro was heartbreaking. I can't even imagine how you deal with this. I hope this site helps you and insurance works out. Not all T's understand ptsd, so research carefully.

 

[Ralphepoo]

Thank you! Not dealing very well lol
But I've finally realized how bad it is and that I do need help! I've been doing that 'I'm strong, I can handle this MYSELF! I don't need help!'
Bit which kinda shows me just how bad I need help lol

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Thank you! Not dealing very well lol
But I've finally realized how bad it is and that I do need help...

I played that game for 7 months.

 

[Deadman]

I've finally realized how bad it is and that I do need help!

That's a big and very important step. Welcome.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum. :hug:

 

[Suzetig]

I've talked to a couple friends who were in Vietnam and they both agreed that I definitely have PTSD. r

Unless your friends are also qualified mental health professions they can't say for definite that you have PTSD. The assessment and diagnosis criteria for PTSD are fairly complex and many other conditions present in a similar way, and usual reactions to trauma left untreated can look like PTSD. While you've experienced a significant trauma it's not inevitable that you would develop PTSD, most people who experience trauma don't.

You've had a dreadful experience, get some support for that, give yourself space to feel whatever you need to, talk to people who love you and take care of yourself. Get some kind of therapy if you feel that would help but try not to worry too much about diagnosis at this point.

 

[LuckiLee]

@Ralphepoo hi there and welcome. I read your post last night and I have been thinking of you since. I can't even imagine what you are going through.

I'm glad you're reaching out for support. It's a great step towards your recovery. You are very brave!

Sending you love and prayers for strength. XO

 

[shimmerz]

Regardless of whether you have PTSD or not, it sounds like you are suffering from pretty severe stress reactions. That makes it very important to get in and seen by a trauma aware therapist of some sort sooner, rather than later.

It's just over a year later and I can still hear his voice say those words! I can still see him fall to the ground right beside the mailbox! My heart still bangs out of my chest just like it did when he pulled the trigger.

These things, to me, mean that you have been affected by that moment in time. And who wouldn't be? What a horrifying thing to have happen.

It will take much work most likely, but I am sure it is possible to find a sense of peace again. The thing is, you need to work at it yourself. Reach out to someone who is a professional who can guide you through the healing process for whatever the diagnosis may be for you.

 

[Justmehere]

If finances and a lack of insurance is a barrier, try calling 211 from your phone in the US - it will connect you to the United Way, and they have database info of low cost counseling options in many areas of the US.

 

[Ralphepoo]

Thank you so much I didn't know that! Will be calling first thing in the morning!

 

[jade53]

Regardless of whether you have PTSD or not, it sounds like you are suffering from pretty severe stress...

If not PTSD one might consider the circumstances to be the perfect storm to manifest and a very good thing to be looking for support among those with coping experience.