If You Didn't Have A Chance To Build A Self Before Complex Trauma

[Esterio]

@Esterio ,

Thinking about how the CSA affected us and our growth is painful and...

thanks Lionheart
I know that it needs to be dealt with, I know I need to work it through with someone to help me process all of this, I have been in therapy twice now PTSD the first time ended with me almost taking the big step. I was a complete mess that was 1999 2000. I lost everything at that point and went and lived up at the end of a logging road for a few years.
I was able to get my feet back under me kind of. I was functioning but far from ok. I went back to my home town and to my old doctor. I knew him from school and we got along fine. He got me back on to proper pain medications and got me to someone to fix my neck. He tried to get me back to taking different medications to deal with my mental health issues but I was not going there again. He did send me to T for anger management.
I was doing ok, I was busy looking after my Mom and Dad who 's health were failing them and was busy until my Mom past away, my Dad had passed 5 years before her. About 8 or 9 months after I had a breakdown/meltdown in the care home that I volunteer at in front of 150 or so people that all knew who I was. That was the end of any good times for some time. I got home and stayed there for almost 5 months all but groceries. On my birthday this year I started therapy and was to do EMDR and joined my ptsd the same day.
The therapist was good I felt comfortable with him. I started to talk maybe a better way to describe it is to say I started to screaming to get it out of me I have 5- 90 minute sessions to map out the targets for EMDR there was to many of them he was having difficulty getting me out the door in less than 2 hours.
Then I had my first session of EMDR and iy went really good we started with the most resent an incident with My sister in a store and she was screaming obscenities at me That took me right back to when my sister was about 15 and she hit my mom with a cast iron frying pan and broke her arm. I could remember exactly what happen right down to the cloths she was waring. It also brought out some happy times with my Mom. We finish the session with memories of my mom he let that run for a bit before stopping everything. That was the first time I got out of hi office in 90 minutes. On the way home I started to have all kinds of flashbacks I had to pull over not sure for how long. it was a long time before I felt like I could drive. I was too emotional.
That week was a bad week my next secession came and I went to his office he was not in today and didn't tell me. So then that hit me like a ton of bricks. I was having a hard time driving took a lot for me to get myself home. I got a call that night from him but could not answer it. He left me a long apology and told me it would not happen again.
I went to the next session and he said he was sorry and it would not happen again. My neck was bad that day so I was not up to EMDR that day. So we were to continue next week. He cancelled the next five session he got hurt skiing. So shit happens. He called and we started again. We tried EMDR I was now blocking he thought. He told me at the next session that he had been in touch with his working group about how complexed my trauma. He went on to tell me about all the stuff he wanted me to track in the next week and he wanted me to email it to him the day before our next session.that morning I got a call from his office that he had to cancel again. So I went for a walk and got another call from him telling me he could not be there he was in some training.
When I got home there was an email from him explaining that he had forgot to tell me he was not going to be here this week. The thing that he said that ended any respect I had for him was he knew he was not going to be here this week when he was giving me all these instructions. Then he said well at least we are not coming off EMDR this time kind of matter of factly. It floored me. This guy was a complete failure to me I had no faith at all in him and wrote him back and told him so and that I thought that his unreliability was causing me harm and I would not be continuing with him.
I left out lots but i think you can see that I have been trying to address this. So far I have only been able to address anything is here talking with people like yourself. I have a mixed up mind I make poor decisions all the time I always have and I have anger issues that take away my ability to reason or even think. There is no other therapist that I can afford here where I live and it is all day travel to go out of town for therapy. I don't think I am capable of that at this time.
I have not talk to anyone about the worst part of my life yet. It has not been able to come out yet. I have not been able to form the words.
I feel trap with no help. What if I discover that my feelings are true and I was that bad. I did do that with no regards for anyone but myself. Things that haunt me
Thank you for being here and for
I appreciate you responding to me
Peace be safe
Sincerely Esterio

 

[Bristol]

Totally relate to not being able to find the words @Esterio in exactly the same place, i hope they come to you in time

 

[ms spock]

For most of my life I have just lived a lie and been who ever someone wanted me to be.

You are not alone in this @Esterio!

 

[ms spock]

If you were asked to list three to five qualities that you value, what would they be? (you don't have to have them - you can think of this just as traits, aka core values, that you think are 'good', or positive in some way).

I am not sure what you mean? Do you mean values within me? Or values that I want to have within myself as a person? I can't think of anything at the moment, but that may because I don't understand what you mean?

 

[joeylittle]

Do you mean values within me?

More like, things (values/traits) that you believe are important/good for human beings to have. There aren't any right or wrong answers - it's very subjective.

It can help to do the exercise by first just writing out a list of values. Values are usually the things humans use to make decisions, set priorities, determine actions.

If determination is among someone's values, then they are likely to keep trying to maneuver an awkward piece of furniture up the stairs, until they've well and truly either exhausted all their options or actually succeeded. On the other hand, if they value balance instead, they may decide after a few decent attempts, to switch to a different plan.

Some common values are: empathy, honesty, tact, compassion, generosity, humor, determination, discipline, forgiveness, self-confidence, introspection, spirituality, faith, trust, skepticism, inquisitiveness, curiosity, perseverance, logic, rationality, creativity, directness, strength, loyalty, self-preservation, power, selflessness, selfishness, knowledge...there are definitely more, that's just a bunch to start with.

You can make a big list of values, then cross off the ones you either don't think are important, or you might even think are not-good. Circle the ones you find appealing. Then, see if you can put those into some sort of rough order, based on which ones you think should be higher up on a decision tree. Again, no real right or wrong here.

 

[Esterio]

@Esterio ,

Thinking about how the CSA affected us and our growth is painful and...

Thank you for your support. I know that I need to work this out with a therapist. I have been to 2 different mental heath units so far and not gotten very far.
At this point in time I don't know what to believe about my self. I have had this anger in me for many years now not always showing then bam I explode I am glad that I flee now. I didn't used to. My anger was exposed for some time I fought for no reason but to fight. In my 20's I probably had my nose broke 10 or 15 times. I learned to flee at the first sign of anger. My thoughts are distorted and never complete.
From a csa survivor to another, thank you. I wish you all the best also
Peace be safe
Esterio

 

[Lionheart]

@Esterio ,

I could sense that you were struggling to heal and wanted to offer you my friendship. You probably have some rage about all the things you have been through and who could blame you?

It makes healing from anger difficult because you first need to get the rage sized down to anger and this will require someone trained in trauma therapy to help you. (In my humble opinion).

I hope you are able to find a therapist who will work with you and be a good "fit" for you!!! It can make all the difference in the world if you can find a good therapist for yourself. (again, just my opinion)

In the meantime, if you ever wish to chat feel free to message me. I am on and offline throughout the day and will respond as soon as I see you have written to me. I know that healing is difficult but I know you can do this, you seem to have been very patient with your old therapist and persistent and determined to heal.

It takes guts to heal from trauma and I want you to know that I admire you for "staying the course."

I wish you all the very best!!!

Lionheart

 

[Beans]

All my memories are 3rd person. Seriously. Literally no 1st person ,even from yesterday. I will remember this in the 3rd person and I'm completely relaxed and at ease. I've been binging Dr. Bessel van der Kolk lectures on youtube, and one of his most powerful slides he shows is how the brains of those with developmental trauma dont register a sense of me or I. He shows a slide of normal pple in a scanner machine and they start thinking about what they're going to do later that day their nose itching, etc just normal thoughts about themselves and what they're doing and did and will do. A section in the middle and back of their mind is bright and lit up on the scan. Those with developmental trauma, that area is just blank. It doesn't get activated. It is a stark difference and every time he shows that slide there's an audible gasp in the audience.

I relate so deeply to that. I can't tell my history, i can't tell my stories.they don't feel like mine. It's not dissociation at this point. From all his research I've gleaned that without the maternal attunement and attachment and someone looking at me, (validating me, allowing me to realize i existed and that there in fact was a self,) my experience of self never developed. I was there, but i didn't register that i was an entity if that makes sense. I didn't develop a sense of self. have not been present.

In any case he offers many fixes. most mind body such as yoga, martial arts, mindfulness to begin developing a sense of your self and body and boundaries.

here are 2 of the times he mentioned it, though I've watched at least 6 of his vids and he usually touches on it and describes it a little differently each time.
2015 Walden Behavioral Care Conference - Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
The 2014 Merle Jordan Conference - Dr. Bessel van der Kolk – Session 3

Childhood Trauma, Affect Regulation, & BPD. Bessel van der Kolk (2013) HD

Sorry i hope you don't mind DDQ, i just wanted to put these links here so i'll remember when i read this thread. they all say the same thing essentially but make a big impact on me each time

 

[The Albatross]

@Higgins said, "I am constantly awestruck as to how much of me is a response to things, rather than some internal stable self."

Yup, yup, yup... good realization and when one can acknowledge that, it's a really pivotal moment.

 

[Bubblegirl]

Really struggling with trying to shift from my sympathetic nervous system to my parasympathe...

Wow, that is something I say all the time, "No one seems to understand what it is to be me..." I spent my whole life dissociated and confused, in a fog, never understanding the world or people.
Then somehow in my late forties I managed to integrate 6 identities...but I have never been ME before, I have been learning how to be a person....a conscious human being...I did it, you can do it.
Learn how to be present, learn how to be you. This forum is amazing, and the people here do understand.
All the best.

 

[ms spock]

@Higgins said, "I am constantly awestruck as to how much of me is a response to things, rather than some internal stable self."

Yup, yup, yup... good realization and when one can acknowledge that, it's a really pivotal moment.

It is a major insight!

 

[Ursula]

If you didn't have a chance to build a self before the trauma/s then how do you find out who...

Dear Disco Dancing Queen,

I am sorry you had to endure such trauma at such a young age.

Indeed Trauma can change brain development and through that our whole person, especially if experienced at such a young age.

However, we know that our brains are amazing as it forms new pathways all the time.

Make a list of your values and keep a gratitude journal. Then use your gut instinct to decide what feels good and right and what doesn't. That way you are finding the 'self' you are looking for.
It takes time and patience and will change over time.

You see, even if you didn't experience trauma the self continues to change and grow. Your gut instinct knows exactly when something doesn't feel right, listen to it and build your self up slowly by becoming the person you want to be.

I hope this helps a little. Take care for now.