If You Didn't Have A Chance To Build A Self Before Complex Trauma

[joeylittle]

I wish I had a self before the trauma.

I think you need to stop ruminating on this thought, and start understanding the self that you have constructed since then.

I don't know that this will help. I know, for myself, that I can get sucked down the rabbit hole of realization, that I never had a chance to develop a sense of self that was not already seriously compromised by circumstance.

And it's true. But it's also theoretical - because, the truth is, we are constantly constructing our identity. It gets hard when looking at the core stuff, and only seeing a lot of damage. But the damage can be replaced. I don't know that it's repaired, but it can be replaced.

If you were asked to list three to five qualities that you value, what would they be? (you don't have to have them - you can think of this just as traits, aka core values, that you think are 'good', or positive in some way).

 

[Lionheart]

I was very young when I was traumatized, but my self was already ok, I just needed to know that and to have that self nourished with love...I can do that now!

 

[Higgins]

I thought the abuse started when I was 4. And I've been trying to discover what was there before that. But what was there, was a little kid who poured salt on slugs to kill them. So for the last few months, I've thought, huh, ok, before, non-trauma me was a mean bitch. Maybe underneath it all, I'm a mean bitch! That would be cool. It'd be different at least. But of course this too is a sense of self defined by everything that happened. I was mimicking what I saw my parents do. Little kids do this. And of course, the nightmares and violence and sex thrown at me didn't magically start at 4, that's just as far back as I remember (seems like a number of us have 4 as a defining age). So I too have no fricking sense of self.

I did have a "self," constructed and defined by others, but not an authentic one that was me being me. Like many of you guys, I was responding to what was happening. I am constantly awestruck as to how much of me is a response to things, rather than some internal stable self. The fake me alternates between lashing out and being a weak, vulnerable victim who has too much empathy. Sometimes both happen at once in a weird form of hysteria. The fake me can talk to people at parties. The fake me is social and friendly. But the fake me can't sustain. I can't do it more than a few hours at a time. This is how I know what is really me. Real me doesn't fatigue or expire after a few hours. Real me is what's here when that mask falters.

I have different personas, but I don't really believe in DID. But I do believe in different internal aspects taking over when one part can't do it. I too am working on integration, and trying to find who TF I really am. It's long, tiring and necessary work. And I think that discovering a self is a tremendous anchor to ground to. That sort of stability keeps ptsd at bay.

I have spent the last number of years alone. I live alone so I can do this work. This thing, finding who I am is probably the most important thing I've ever done. And I need to do it without other people around. Too much of my past was influenced by my family and people around me and what they had to say, and so I, like some of you, have a very hard time hearing my own voice. So I have to be alone to do it. My voice is so soft that it gets lost in other people's voices all the time. I also journal and spend every day writing how I really feel even though outwardly, I still present with masks. Step 1 is be honest with me about what I like and don't like. It was hard enough to get this far. My ultimate goal is to be out in the world, who I am inside.

I collect a firm identity marker, maybe once every six months or so. I cherish them. Life merit badges. No, life TROPHIES !!.

Patience and not trying to rush things. Most kids get 18 years or more to figure these things out, pushing and pulling against their environment and social situations many times over in shaping their identity. Why would we think that it would happen in six months or a year? These things are developmental. It's a process. I like what I know about myself now. I like being honest and not being nice.

 

[ms spock]

I think you need to stop ruminating on this thought, and start understanding the self that you have constructed since then.

I did think of that the same day your typed this. So maybe a reframing - I need to further develop my parasympathetic nervous system and get out of my sympathetic nervous system. I have been having excruciating anxiety, it is not pleasant.

And it's true. But it's also theoretical - because, the truth is, we are constantly constructing our identity. It gets hard when looking at the core stuff, and only seeing a lot of damage. But the damage can be replaced. I don't know that it's repaired, but it can be replaced.

I am working on it quite a lot.

If you were asked to list three to five qualities that you value, what would they be? (you don't have to have them - you can think of this just as traits, aka core values, that you think are 'good', or positive in some way).

Will think on this.

 

[Beans]

I completely relate to your thoughts in this thread DancingQueen. One thing that helped me was similar to what Joey Little said- getting to know yourself now. You have been growing a self all these years and though others selves may be relatively stable, at least mine is constantly changing as i do this work.

So an exercise i did with my therapist and there are a few variations, but i liked this one

"To do this, I am going to suggest two exercises to get you started.

Real-Woman Collage
Although not new or innovative, this exercise is helpful for women beginning to think about themselves in a different way. To do this exercise, get a poster board or piece of construction paper and several women’s magazines. Start thumbing through the magazines to find pictures of women who represent womanhood to you. Pay attention to what you choose: Are the images representing what you really desire or what your mother or someone else thinks you should be? Cut out only those images or pictures that represent what you believe are symbols of positive, adult womanhood to you, representations of who you are and who you want to become when you allow yourself to show forth. When you have found images that fit you, make a collage of them on the paper. Keep this collage as a reminder of where you are going with your re-creation or finding of yourself.

What Are My Values?
This exercise assists you in reminding yourself what you believe in and determining what you like. You will make a list of beliefs on your desires and preferences. I will give you my starting list, and you can add to it as you think of beliefs on which you want to focus. The categories will be a combination of simple, seemingly unimportant things and huge, significant life philosophies. For each category, it is your job to write what is your style, preference or belief.

• Education: your beliefs and philosophy about education for yourself and your family
• Politics: your political beliefs
• Religion: your religious or spiritual beliefs
• Parenting belief system: How do you want to raise your children and what are your priorities as a mother?
• Love relationship: What are the most important things to you in a love relationship?
• Men: Who is the ideal man for you; what are his characteristics?
• Friends: What kind of friends are you attracted to?
• Movies: What kind of movies do you like best?
• Books: What kind of books are your favorites?
• Jewelry: What is your style of jewelry?
• Fashion: What is your style of clothing?
• Cars: If you could buy whatever cars you wanted, which two would you choose?
• Architecture and house style: What kind of architecture do you like?
• Furniture: What are your favorite kinds of furniture?
• Gemstone: your favorite gemstones
• Weather: your favorite weather
• Geography: your favorite landscape
• Season: Which of the seasons is your favorite and why?
• Music for listening: What kind of music do you like for pure listening and pleasure?
• Music for dancing: What is your favorite dance music?
• Leisure-time activity: What leisure-time activity do you like most?
• Kick-up-your-heels fun: What activity do you love that brings you sheer joy?
• Exercise: your favorite kind of exercise
• Television show: What do you like to watch on television?
• Food: your favorite foods to cook and eat
• Restaurant: When you dine out, where do you most like to go?
• Shopping place: What is your favorite shopping place?
• Vacation: your ideal vacation
• Sports to play: If you play sports, which do you enjoy most?
• Sports to watch: If you watch sports, what is your favorite?
• Color: What is your favorite color for wearing and decorating?
• Fabrics: What is your favorite fabric for wearing and decorating?
• Flowers: your favorite flowers
• Conversation: your favorite kind of conversation; about what and with whom?
• Favorite age group: What age group do you most like to hang out with?

Add more as you go. The purpose here is to be writing and thinking about yourself through your thoughts, desires, preferences, beliefs, and values. We rarely take time to stop and ask ourselves these kinds of questions, and you will be surprised at how much “self” you already have and how much you do really know about you."

McBride, Karyl. Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (pp. 171-174). Atria Books. Kindle Edition.

Link Removed
20 Questions to Know Yourself Better and Unlock the Immense Potential Within
The 36 Questions That Lead to Love (you can do this one with your partner or just do it by yourself to get to know you)

There are many, many other articles with questions and advice (such as don't judge what comes up) if you google how to get to know yourself. Also that book I quoted has more exercises, though I don't feel comfy posting them here due to copyright and I suspect the author wouldn't appreciate an entire chapter of her book posted, other similar things were about looking at talents you have or would like to develop, your values as in kindness, fairness, justice, etc (there are many lists of value words online.) What are your passions and how can you incorporate them even a little bit to your daily life?
One my therapist did was the magic wand question- basically who would you be if you had all the money you ever needed (poor bastardization, think if you google it the proper one will come up as well.)

How do you feel you should treat others? How would you react in certain hypothetical situations? What's most important in your life? Who's most important? Morbid but how would you like to die? silly ones as in do you prefer cold or hot? How do you like your coffee? What are your quirks? What do pple comment on or things you say that make pple laugh? What's your personality? Garnder's theory of multiple intelligence, what kinds of intelligence do you excel in?


I know when i first read those questions and started doing these types of exercises they felt very superficial. "What! this isn't who i am, this isn't myself! That's not what i'm talking about! That's not the "deep" who i am/self i'm talking about!" But honestly the more I sat and thought about these things, the more I started feeling like myself and knowing myself. I've been so outward looking and on guard and dissociated my entire life that it's almost I hadn't realized and acknowledged that over my life I had indeed developed a self, a one unique to me despite my very early trauma. There is a stable perspective there. And it feels good to acknowledge that and feel who I am now. It's almost like my self was covered up in dirt when i was a baby and I was never able or encouraged to focus on me and begin to develop it. But now i get to. Now i get to see what's there and what i'd like to be there.

Anyway this may not be exactly what you're talking about, but hope it helps in some way.

 

[Beans]

One thing I do sometimes in my daily life, how do i feel about that? Do i like that? If not why? If i do what do i find appealing about that? Do i find them attractive? Why, why not? Did i enjoy that activity? why, why not? etc. Actually beginning to build my perspective and self rather than being off in space like i often feel i am. It encourages me to be present.

I watch youtube's and other families with children and i notice the adults are so engaged with the especially the young children. Asking questions. Did you like that? Did that hurt? It's going to be ok. What do you want to eat? etc. Talking to them, engaging. I never had that. No one ever focused on me, acknowledged me, validated me or anything. I never knew there was a me. I mostly wanted to be invisible. But i now see there was. There was a me in there even when i was a neglected baby who was sad and angry and in distress. When i was witnessing so much violence there was a me who was horrified and overwhelmed and powerless. When i was sexually abused there was a me who was terrified and frozen. And that same self now values justice and fairness and kindness and gentleness. Is strong, a fighter and resilient.

My point is even when i was dissociated and no one was mirroring me and letting me get to know myself, I was still there experiencing and having feelings. Feelings so overwhelming i needed to step back from them via dissociation but i was there. There was a self. In those moments i probably wished there wasn't, but i guess that kinda that trauma processing work. I can look back at my trauma and sense how i was feeling then except now i can handle the feelings vs back then when i had to "go away" to protect myself.

Bleh I'll stop talking now lol.

 

[Teasel]

Love the links and exercises you mention @RealisticandHopeful thanks so much.

I've copied them down in my notes app and started doing them. I can tell I will get a lot out of them thanks for sharing :-)

 

[ms spock]

Thanks @Link Removed!

 

[Esterio]

Thanks for the post Disco Dancing Queen
Reading your post and reply's. Has made me wonder more about CSA at a young age less than 5 not sure how much before then. It really seems to me that the CSA made my self and took most of my childhood learning askew. I did not realize that what was happening was abuse until I was 11 or 12. I was groomed to think I was special and was treated that way by my early perpetuators. I need more time to think on this one. Thanks again.
Peace Be Safe

 

[ms spock]

It does take some time to pull it all apart @Esterio!

 

[Esterio]

It is very difficult to think about things and how they effected myself. For most of my life I have just lived a lie and been who ever someone wanted me to be. I never have been able to figure out why I do things that I do. I can really disgust myself and I think it is all wrapped up in CSA.
Peace be safe.

 

[Lionheart]

@Esterio ,

Thinking about how the CSA affected us and our growth is painful and difficult but, must be done if we are to have a more complete and accurate view of ourselves. I personally recommend examining these beliefs in therapy with a trauma specialist, if possible.

CSA warps our sense of self at whatever age it occurs. Once thoroughly examined, we learn better of ourselves than the lies we were taught or the blanks that we filled in with our distorted thoughts / beliefs.

I wish you joy and happiness as you discover that the negative things you believe(d) about yourself are not true, although there will probably be anger and righteous rage first. It is a difficult process but I did it and I am so much better for it.

From one CSA survivor to another....I wish you all the very best as you change and grow.

Sincerely,
Lionheart777