If You Didn't Have A Chance To Build A Self Before Complex Trauma

[ms spock]

The book is "Feeling Good – The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns @Velvet Steel. It is great for busting distorted thinking/cognitions.

 

[Velvet Steel]

The book is "Feeling Good – The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns @Velvet S...

Thank you so much!

 

[ms spock]

I am still trying to come to terms with this. It is a struggle at times but mostly I am at Radical Acceptance. That makes it easier to deal with.

 

[ms spock]

Still working with/reflecting on/being with this one - it is a work in progress.

 

[Bristol]

I have only just found this thread and will be reading through it all, mine started when i was 4 so i have this same issue, i dont know who i was before, i dont know normal. I have no idea who i am away from all this and i would love to find out what i like, what i dont like, what i like doing when im not just thinking about survival all the time. Thank you for this thread.

 

[ms spock]

@Bristol I would be interested to read any insights that you have on the journey. I am learning so much each day, but it is still a struggle!

 

[Bristol]

Im still at the very beginning but if i come across anything insightful ill let you know, im still grappling with working out what and who was real and going from there, but i hope i will get there eventually

 

[Ronin]

I wouldn't say I didn't have a chance to build a self.

Inconsistent & switching & very dependent on what was going around me a sense of self, yes.
But that isn't entirely the same thing as no self at all. Or basically, fragments are something.
Just not the same collected up & coherent something more adjusted people got through life. Shrug.

 

[Mach123]

No, never. My earliest memories are of 'sex with the other kids.' I don't know when I was sexualized. I am becoming whole now. I don't know how whole I'll become. I was never me. I was a projection of a person. It didn't work though I never had a good façade. The screaming in my head made me behave badly. I didn't really know it, I couldn't really see it. I had in some ways 'everything going for me.' I remember I was in this state run therapy place and there was a poster on the wall and it said "Do you know someone who should be doing well but isn't? It could be trauma." Boy was it ever.

Now I am somewhat better. I'm at least 'better than what I just described.'

 

[Changing4Best]

This is a really hard Q to answer. My 1st thought is "I don't know." My trauma started from as far back as I can remember, though it was repressed, because my molester/ abuser would always say, "This didn't happen." when he was done. He beat the word "No." out of me, so I was not even allowed to communicate my displeasure. He told me not to tell anyone, so I didn't speak until I was nearly 4, my mother tells me. Since I wasn't allowed to tell about it, I didn't tell about anything else either, I guess.

I found myself, at a pretty young age, doing art. I did drawings for my grandmother, his wife. She applauded these, so I excelled in doing art. That was what I became good at, so that was what I did in my adult life. I was an artist. I don't do much of anything artistic these days, so I cannot really even say that I am an artist anymore.

I don't like work of much other varieties. I hate doing dishes, cooking, housecleaning, taking care of people, etc. I have a job as a Companion and it is tough, as I am responsible for an elderly person's safety and companionship. I am not a nurse or anything, just a person who is paid to be kind of a friend and safety keeper of my client. Even so, it is draining.

Is my job who I am? I don't know. It is part of who I am, I guess. For about 3 hours a day, 5 days a week, that is who and what I am. The rest of the time I am just a person who tries to do as little as I can get away with, I guess. My home is cluttered, dusty, and there is probably always a dish in the sink. Is that who I am? I honestly don't know.

I am poor. Financially, I have to keep a pretty strict budget. Is that who I am? I hope not! Just because I don't have a lot, does not make me poor as a spirit. I have God in my corner, even though there is not a lot else in my corner but some "stuff" I bought at Thrift Stores and Discount Shops. I have a lot of 2nd hand stuff. Is that who I am, what I own? Not really.

Am I my name? That is what folks call me, but is it me? I don't think so. So I don't really know who or what I am. I can say, I am me, but I don't know how to define "me."

I used to garden, but I don't anymore. I used to be someone's wife, but he died, so I am now a widow. I was never able to be a mother, so I am not really a mom, but since I had miscarriages, in a way I am, but no one calls me "Mom."

I'm an aunt. Yes, I cannot deny that one. And I try to be a good one. I listen, I give advice sometimes, I care....

I'm a child of God, that I do know. I know He loves me, no matter what I do or say or whatever....

 

[shimmerz]

It was my Grandpa. He showed me love. Clear, unadulterated love. I could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, feel it when he hugged me, and relished in it when he had me looking for the Fig Newtons that he had bought just.for.me. And how I responded to him, I am certain, was the authentic me.

It took me a while to figure out this aspect of me. When I realized that it wasn't about the love he showed me at all, but instead showed me that I could see his love, appreciate his love and show love back to him, I knew I had a path to follow towards getting to my authentic self.

Thanks Grandpa. I miss you every day. A piece of my heart has a beautiful glow to it and that is because you showed me the way. I am working on thawing out the surrounding portions of my heart. But you are the man who has literally thrown me a lifeline even after having been in the grave for almost 50 years now.

 

[ms spock]

Really struggling with trying to shift from my sympathetic nervous system to my parasympathetic nervous system.

I am at a Teacher's National Conference, and listening to all the developmental educational nuances is hard, because of what I lived through as a kid.

I wish I had a self before the trauma.

So few people understand what it is I struggle with.

I was so dissociated as a child. I just watched from the ceiling, through a fog, not feeling like I was here, not feeling real, but being present.

I have to learn how to be present in my body.

I have to learn how to be connected to another person, without running interference connection, connection interference.

How do you do that when you have never done this before?

When I tried in my teens, twenties I was seriously, serially abused by psychologists.

I don't know what to do.