Relationship How do i leave?

[dulcia]

How do I leave? How do I get out of this relationship?

 

[Buttercup]

:hug:

I think you're doing all the right things so far. You're really focusing on you and doing a lot of self introspection and work. It's a hard and long process. When the time comes, it will be a lot easier for you. Just keep up the good work you're doing for yourself!!

:hug:

 

[dulcia]

He keeps pushing me and I'm not sure how much more is even worth it at this point. I don't know how many more times I can here "I'm done" and "just leave" before I don't feel anything anymore.

 

[dulcia]

*I can hear

 

[Sweetpea76]

You just leave when you're ready. You'll know when you're ready because you won't even question it anymore.

Until then, I think the trick to managing his hateful shit *is* not feeling... recognizing that this crap is his go to stress response. Does he ever go? Is he ever really done? No, he's flapping his gums. Big talker, slow walker. He lashes out like that to protect himself. Doesn't excuse it or make it right, but that is what he seems to do.

Basically until he actually does something about it, or has a serious break up conversation when he's calm and rational, I'd blow it off.

 

[Beans]

You focus on yourself. Take one day and you attempt to look at things objectively. Even if you don't believe it you say the following. Say if x,y,z happened to my mom, sis friend anyone i love, even a stranger would i encourage them to stay? You say i value myself enough to leave and take care of me. You say i deserve better. You make a list of all the reasons you're leaving (with how you felt included) and you look at all the posts you've made on this site. You say this is going to be difficult at first. I will cry with him gone, i will question myself, but this is the right call. I will not invalidate myself and say it's not that bad. It is that bad. This will not change and even if it did eventually I refuse to put myself through one more moment of this. And i will get over it eventually, not as fast i'd like, but far quicker than i realize. And my life will be better for it. And you read that list over and over til you're angry. You read it every time you doubt yourself.

Then you put your emotions aside for a few days, work out the logistics, you muster up the courage and your support system and you get out. And when you're in your new place or however the situation will play out, you block him on every single method of contact. Then you cry and beat pillows and grieve. You lean on your support system. And eventually you cry less and have better moments. And eventually you're happy and can't believe you put yourself through that for so long.

Notice how the focus is entirely on you. That's how I finally left my ex. I started caring about me more than i did him. I was drowning and had to save myself. Good luck.

 

[dulcia]

Good call, @Sweetpea76. I fight the instinct to try and get him to take it back and struggle to come to terms with the fact that I probably won't get much of an apology for it afterward either. But what about all the irrelevant things about me/my life/my past that he brings up when lashing out? It's so not okay. We can't even have a constructive conversation about anything because it literally all gets turned around on me... I am the reason he acts this way, I am the reason he is unhappy with his weight, I am the reason he is miserable, I am at fault for not being motivation enough for him, etc. How can we ever make any progress if he absolutely does not (or refuses not) to see that he has any responsibility in this?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

This is the really sucky part of life and relationships. I am sorry that you are going through this. If and when you do leave, you will have moments of sad and good memories, but mostly relief. I wish you the best in your decisions!

 

[Tinyflame]

@tiredtexan , Idk if this is helpful, but my dad (who in retrospect seemed to have all the signs of ptsd, and self-medicated, but I will never know, as did his dad, post the war), well he never cheated and neither did she, the fights could be bad but he only pushed her up the stairs pregnant with me once and boy did she react apparently, but 3 months after I was born she said she was leaving, 14 years married, 3 small children and 1 infant, no relatives for help, no where else to live, he said 'I'll have to kill myself then because I can't live without you and I can't live without (self-medicating)', she said, ' Well you'll have to do what you have to do then because I love life and you hate it, and the kids still have respect for you but they're asking questions, and I have 2 strong hands'. She added in response to his accusations of cheating, 'Don't accuse me of what you're thinking of doing'. He then asked her to call for him to get help, she said, 'You didn't break your dialing finger'. He did go immediately for help- my mom said he and the guy he was with were shaking and it looked less than hopeful. But, it not only worked out, but they were absolutely crazy about each other. But it required honesty, brutal honesty, my mom lovingly all along, fidelity, and care for herself if nothing else because of her kids. But she never 'made him pay', manipulated, or carried a grudge or resentments. He also said to her if the situations were reversed he probably wouldn't have put up with that for 14 years, as she said that didn't make her feel too good. Needless to say, he couldn't do enough (in his mind) for her for the next 14 years.

I found coming to this sight so long ago, how shocking/ upsetting so much of the info was, both triggering and otherwise. It's sort of 'normalized'.. but it's not 'normal' (whatever that means), and as many say would you tolerate this without ptsd? If you yourself understand ptsd and conduct your part of the relationship with understanding- learning how to, it's his responsibility to do the same- we are all 100% responsible for ourselves. I think it's human nature to put onus on others, but it is our own responsibility. (JMHO). But, I also never met anyone like my mom. Or my dad for that matter, in terms of how crazy they were for one another.

Best wishes to you xox. :hug:

 

[dulcia]

I love life and you hate it

This is a big problem for me and mine too.

If you yourself understand ptsd and conduct your part of the relationship with understanding- learning how to, it's his responsibility to do the same

I think the issue is I don't always conduct my part of the relationship with understanding. I really struggle with balancing his need for space with my own insecurities in relationship and desire for reassurance, balancing the cruel things he says when lashing out and lack of "closure" conversation afterward with my need for some sort of apology in order to move on. But I'm trying, so that has to count for something right? I recognize that sometimes I have trouble walking away or keeping my mouth shut when he's escalating, but I've gotten better at it. I feel like he's not even working on his reactions at all. This is twice in the last 6 days that he has become escalated to the point of his "this relationship has been over for a while" script (his new go to), which includes a range of his usual put downs. And he also snapped at a friend this week, too. So that's three times this week he has shown zero ability to control or attempt to control his reactions. Is it fair of me to say he isn't trying? If he is trying wouldn't there be some improvement? I'm having a hard time seeing how I can always be the calm, rational one in these situations when I am still sort of reeling from the last one, especially when I'm currently wrestling with my own anxiety/depression/disrupted sleep/whatever the f*ck is going on with me issues.

 

[dulcia]

I mean, am I just being dramatic here? Are put downs just a typical part of a PTSD escalation and if I were able to let it roll off, there wouldn't be an issue? Things completely unrelated to the conversation (or our relationship), but that I am sensitive about, get brought up. Is that really a typical thing for supporters to deal with? How can I not expect him to take at least some sort of responsibility for the things he says about me when he's mad.......right...?

 

[Sweetpea76]

@tiredtexan... pardon my French, but f*ck him. He is projecting all his self hatred onto you. Tell him if he doesn't like it, HE can leave. Doors open both ways.

He's untreated and raging. You can stick up for yourself in other ways besides arguing. Why convince him he is wrong about you? You know he's wrong. He probably knows it too, or he'd be gone. He's acting like a turd, so why acknowledge it? No reaction is sometimes the most powerful reaction. This garbage is beneath your effort and contempt. He is throwing a hissy fit like a toddler. He's lashing out for a reaction. Don't give him one.