Relationship How do i leave?

[Sweetpea76]

Are put downs just a typical part of a PTSD escalation and if I were able to let it roll off, there wouldn't be an issue?

Sometimes. Lashing out is a typical response to stress for some sufferers. It doesn't make it right. It doesn't make it OK. It is something that he needs to recognize and work on.

Not engaging is probably your best line of defense. Why stand there and listen to the bullshit if it hurts? Remove yourself whenever you can. Go for a drive. Go to another room. Refuse to listen to it. Eventually he'll get the point that you're not going to stand there and take it.

 

[dulcia]

You're right, I know you are. He pushes to get a reaction even when I don't engage, as if he can't stop until I do. I've long since stopped trying to stick up for myself or convince him he is wrong about me -- because he is wrong about me -- but I'll have to remember to stay removed, no matter what he says or does to try and reel me in. I needed that reminder, thank you.

The worst is that this happens in the car a lot, where it's not east to remove myself and the proximity to him when he's escalating/mad honestly scares me a little. I could maybe try headphones then. But luckily, today that isn't the case.

 

[dulcia]

*it's not easy to remove myself, and the proximity to him

 

[dulcia]

I just can't believe that I haven't gotten better at letting this go. That it still hurts now, years later, just as much as it did in the beginning.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You're allowed to have a limit. If he's crushing your soul you don't have to "let it go".

 

[grimalkin]

Ironically, it took my sufferer to push me away to finally realize it was the right thing. And, it's taken me this long (7+ months) to really accept that it's the right thing, for both of us.

If I'm honest with myself, I was ready to walk out the door on more than one occasion throughout our relationship, and it's taken me awhile to get back to that - right before things blew up, I had..."reaffirmed" my commitment to him, and told myself, if I'm going to stay, then stay, and accept that is my conscious decision, good or bad. So when he finally pushed me away and declared us "done," I was so, so hurt.

That's probably when my co-dependence became the worst.

Anyway, my point...You don't have to stay. You don't have to keep forgiving him. You don't have to find more patience within yourself. You are allowed to be hurt by what he says to you, you are allowed to be angry. And, if that's what you want, you're allowed to keep forgiving. You are a human being, and even though we (as supporters) are expected to own that we are there willingly, and apparently to have endless patience, you still are allowed to have needs, wants, desires, and boundaries. You are allowed to feel.

Because you are allowed to say, "You know what, I know you have an awful, awful mental illness, and I will never understand what it's like to live with it. But it is possible to heal, and to learn to effectively deal with stressors and triggers. You do not deserve what happened to you, but I do not deserve to be treated badly because of what happened to you." And you are allowed, if he is not willing to own his shit instead of dumping it on you, to walk away.

And that's so so hard to do.

 

[dulcia]

Thanks, @grimalkin. I know you really struggled with your decision to walk away and I know how strong you had to be to finally do that. I think the kicker for me is that it is getting more and more obvious that it is a mental illness -- the constant nightmares resulting in only a few hours of sleep every night, and going through the exact same routine every time he lashes out, as if he is reading from the same script every time. It honestly reminds me of Groundhog Day or The Truman Show sometimes.....as if I'm looking around expecting someone else to recognize that we are literally living the same exact situation over and over again.

 

[DharmaGirl]

But he can change that by learning to recognize triggers and to find other ways to dissipate his anger. That is his duty to you. My brother was schizo-affective which caused him to beat me every day growing up until I was 18, and rape me from the time I was 5 until I was 12. The illness caused him to do it but it was wrong. I could forgive him in retrospect, but I never deserved it and you don't either. You can change when you have PTSD. He has to get treatment and work hard. He has to stop blaming everyone else for his acting out. You deserve to have a good life. If you leave it will be emotionally hard for you, but when you feel better you will look back and see that it was a good decision. If you decide to stay, walk away when he starts reading the script. Get in the car and go. I know this has been said before, but I've been in a relationship with someone with PTSD, and he almost shot me once in a flashback. It took me 5 years to leave, but I did and I feel so much better about myself.

 

[dulcia]

Since I kept it in today instead of lashing out back, I guess I am going to take the afternoon off. Need to get out of here and have a good cry. I hate when this happens. Guilt over being a bad employee.

 

[dulcia]

I'm not in a good place.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hugs @tiredtexan :hug::hug: .

I've always been horrified at the thought of hurting someone because of my ptsd/ 'me'. If he was in a better place I think he would too. You haven't done anything wrong. :hug:

 

[grimalkin]

:hug::hug::hug::hug: @tiredtexan