Can't break gripping fear

[Dizzygirl]

hi all, I'm pretty new here, but I have had a new development. I've had PTSD for many years but three nights ago I guess was I triggered from a very volatile exchange with my boyfriend. The next day I developed a fear that I could not break. It was so gripping and all consuming that I had to take Ativan. And then during the night I woke up suddenly the same fear and I had to take something again. I am so upset by all of this. I had made some strides and I feel so hopeless. Does this happen to other people? Will it go away? Of course I've had a lot of anxiety but this is so different because I can't break it on my own. Plus, benzodiazepines make me depressed and I never take them Unless it's an emergency but now this ihas happened two days in a row. I did have fear this intense but it's been 15 years and I was in a much worse situation. I really didn't know that this could happen. I was already barely sleeping but had gotten a little bit better and now this too. Thanks so much for any thoughts.

 

[Supervixn]

What is the fear related to?

 

[Dizzygirl]

I just can't discuss it right now. But it was child-abuse.

 

[Supervixn]

Gotcha & definitely no prob. What do you do to cope with anxiety normally?

Whenever I get into a fight with someone my internal and physical systems are off for days, sometimes a week or more, until I seem to level out somehow.

Im sorry, I know how you feel and its very uncomfortable!

PS if you need a listening ear I'm here. I can def relate :)

 

[Dizzygirl]

Thanks so much! It helps so much to know someone else is there and can understand. And also to know that this might get better soon.

 

[Friday]

Does this happen to other people? /// I really didn't know that this could happen.

It's pretty common for that to be a daily thing for many people.

It can also happen out of the blue, last a couple days, and vanish.

PTSD has a huge range of symptoms & expressions. Sometimes it can be so mild as to be nonexistent. For years. Other times it's all day, every day. For years. Even for the same person.

 

[Dizzygirl]

Thanks for your comment. My biggest problem is that I can't take anything to break the fear. I tried last night and I became so deeply depressed I thought i was going to have to call an ambulance. I could barely speak or move. If I could just take a pill to help from time to time! I also only slept one hour. It just all seems like more than I can bear.

 

[AnonymousGirl99]

Hi Dizzygirl,

I know it's been a couple weeks almost since you posted this, but I'm a new member and just read through it.

I just wanted to say that it's amazing that it's been 15 years since you've been in a rough enough spot to take the meds. That is an amazing accomplishment! You should be proud of yourself.

I also wanted to say that just because you were triggered recently and had to take some meds again (which is very common, and while it sucks, it is okay), it doesn't mean you'll fall back into another rut like it sounds like you were experiencing 15 years ago. The cycle, once begun, can be incredibly hard to stop. And sometimes it feels like we can't do it without medication (and sometimes, we might not be able to). But you can break the cycle!

Do everything you can to take care of yourself physically. Eat well, sleep well, exercise if you can. And try to replace the thoughts of fear and panic with the opposite. My mantra is: It's just anxiety. It's horrible, but it will pass. And if I can stand it, I feel it through my body, and I sit with the discomfort for as long as I can, breathing through it the whole time, and eventually, I come out the other side.

I hope this helps and I wish you peach!

Ella

 

[Dizzygirl]

Dear Ella,

Thanks for your encouraging reply. Things are still really difficult. I still cannot break the fear and I'm having to rely on Xanax which makes me really depressed. I just take it in the evening but it is really affecting me. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to help the hypervigilance at all or other symptoms. I'm also dealing with the deepest depression which my doctor has not been able to treat. i'm trying to have hope but it's really hard. My doctor is sending me to a major university for a consultation and hope and pray that they can find something to help . Thanks again for your post.

 

[AnonymousGirl99]

Dizzygirl,

I have to say that I’m in the same boat as you. For the past two months another cycle has started for me, and it feels next to impossible to get out of it.

Is it constant for you? Or does it only start after being triggered? And then the fear of triggers becomes triggering in and of itself? If it’s not constant, I wonder if you could try and take any comfort in those moments when you’re not panicking. Breathe, and even if you don’t believe it, repeat it over and over that your life is worth living and you will get through this. Think of all the things that have been left unchanged by the PTSD: can you hear the birds? Can you see a blue sky? Can you smell something that you absolutely love? It’s corny, but the small things sometimes can make the biggest of differences.

I know there’s probably nothing I can say to take your pain away, though I wish I could do that for everyone on this forum. Just know that none of us were put on this earth to simply suffer. I don’t subscribe to that belief, even though it feels like it sometimes. You will get through this. It is hardest to have hope in these moments, but this is PTSD. It is not who you are.

I hope that the consultation at the university is helpful to you. You are strong and courageous to continually seek the treatment that you need. Also, just throwing this out there, instead of benzos, have you ever tried antihistamines? They’re not as fast-acting as Xanax, but if you only need them once a day anyway, sometimes they can mellow out the anxiety but not quite plunge you into the depths of depression. I’m currently on Hydroxyzine (which is just a prescription antihistamine) and it seems to be working better than the longer-acting benzos like Klonopin ever did. (Though admittedly, I still use Xanax when I need something fast).

Good thoughts your way!

Ella