Who Would I Be If I Gave Up Lying?

[dulcia]

Not just lying, but being false, too...by that I mean putting on a front as if appearing to know something about a certain subject he has never encountered before, or something similar.

 

[ms spock]

For me it is to avoid the shame and humiliation @dulcia and I have a challenge with reactivity. I had to lie, and change those lies, sometimes minute to minute to appease my Mother and Father. So I don't know how I would go with that. It depends.

It was also to avoid pain, sexual assault, shame, humiliation, fear and violence - to avoid being needled and needled and needled.

 

[ms spock]

Not just lying, but being false, too...by that I mean putting on a front as if appearing to know something about a certain subject

Yeah I did that a lot with my parents as well.

 

[ms spock]

I think I would be a quiet person if I stopped using lying as an emotional regulation tactic to ward off abuse.

 

[The Albatross]

Two things smacked me about that line above this morning. One... lying as "an emotional regulation tactic". Um it's not, it's a defensive coping strategy or like this article suggests perhaps even an addiction:

"Lies seem to serve the same purpose as the addictive substance itself – they provide an escape from difficulty and unpleasantness. At first, the addict will lie to protect his or her secrets, to get out of trouble, or to avoid criticism that might lead to feelings of shame and guilt. Eventually lying becomes a habit, even another addictive process, because it comes to feel comfortable and safe, while telling the truth becomes ever more risky and scary." Dead Link Removed

The second thing about the post/line above was "to ward off abuse". That bothers me. Want to talk about that more?

 

[ms spock]

Absolutely to ward off abuse. My parents would do the Black is White, and White is Black thing and if you didn't agree with them you would get bashed, hit, harassed, needled, attacked, ripped apart, made fun of, put down, smacked about, shamed, humiliated, excluded and etc. It was a definite survival skill in my household.

 

[ms spock]

One... lying as "an emotional regulation tactic". Um it's not, it's a defensive coping strategy

I haven't got time to read the article this morning, but absolutely to regulate emotions, it is a defensive coping mechanism as well, but lying and food were to two way I managed my emotions, managed to dysfunctionally regulate my emotions, and avoid more abuse or being set up to be abused.

 

[The Albatross]

Here's another one, this one does discuss though briefly about lying being part of someone's identity - it does though offer up a new term: "Reflex Fraud" Addicted to Lies

 

[user27357]

How many lies have you told or been told today already? No one ever knows, but it is more than you think.

I wear loose clothes to hide my excess me. A lie? I tell people I walk more per day than I really do. Lie? I tell myself I am doing better at my exercise regimen when I haven't really done anything but feel worse about not doing more. A lie?

I tell my boss I don't know anything about the 18 inch tall styrofoam question mark someone hung from the ceiling tiles above his desk. Lie?

I tell people I had a more or less normal upbringing or homelife when it isn't any of their business, I am not paying them for advice or benefitting from their ignorance of my suffering. Lie?

I tell a story at the lunch table that embelishes on a real experience to make it more entertaining or make my audience associate a better tale with me, therefore, thinking I had a better experience to share than I really did. Lie?

I watch a TV show where some writer told a tale embellished to make it more entertaining and create a better character for me to watch and empathize with. Lie?

Basically, I expect lies, I live with lies, I tell lies.

The trick is knowing that everyone else does too, and figuring out where your tolerance and theirs is set. I personally don't accept felony level lies, and react to repeated misdemeanor offenses. If it's a problem, I talk to them (or myself) about it and after that the problem isn't the lie, it's the repeat offense.

told a lie today? Me too.

 

[ms spock]

Interesting reframe @enough!

 

[ms spock]

"Reflex Fraud" Addicted to Lies

Interesting article.

It is more projecting my parents on people and reacting like I would to them. The shame overwhelms me. Sometimes I know the truth about someone - that they are being abusive to me, but I can't quite connect that truth with my consciousness - it is like a split. I knew someone was playing me, but because they were being "nice" I couldn't connect to it. I can't believe myself? I can't be honest. But definitely it was a protective thing, a way to delay abuse.

 

[ms spock]

One... lying as "an emotional regulation tactic".

Definitely was that - you grow with no truth - just lies - you just join in the ones your parents are currently are telling the world. I told myself, this doesn't hurt, this is not so bad, it is not a problem, dissociate, derealisation, depersonalisation.

Dead Link Removed

they provide an escape from difficulty and unpleasantness.

If I could avoid being raped or bashed or shamed or humiliated or whatever I would say what they wanted.

while telling the truth becomes ever more risky and scary

I told the truth once, and my Father started throwing knives and forks at me and doing some horrible things to me. I was physically, emotionally, sexually abused for daring to speak up or tell the truth.

"to ward off abuse".

If I agreed with my Father he would take less anger out on me, hit me less, bash me less, kick me less, whatever they wanted to hear I would say it.