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New Join Doc B

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Doc B1

New Here
Hey everyone,
I am new to this site and spent most of last night reading over it and found better insight than any therapist has ever gave me.
I am a OIF retired veteran I joined as a corpsman for the marines in 2003 and was medically retired in 2011 from combat injuries from an IED in the end of 2007 it caused a traumatic brain injury two fractured vertebrae in my c spine and numerous shrapnel wounds one of them causing me to have my right knee reconstructed. I served in haditha and the outskirts of that city most of the time I was in Iraq. I lost 5 of my marines all to IED attacks. I spent all my time with grunt battalions so most of my experience was house to house "security" patrols. Playing the role of a rifleman one minute then caregiver as soon as the situation needed medical help was the most difficult thing to me. Having to go from being cold enough so I could do what I needed to with my rifle then having to show compassion towards a family whose kid got hit next door was a soul tearing experience.
I have been fighting since Ive been back with severe ptsd, a partially functioning arm, memory loss, chronic pain and horrible sleep but more than all I've lost my identity.
I have went down hill bad in the recent months its the second lowest point I have been since combat and the lowest got me locked up for what could have been a long time. I was very lucky and was put in a psychiatric hospital for a mandatory stay. I am very involved in my treatment I see a psychiatrist, a talk therapist and a emdr specialist. Lately they haven't been at all effective in my life and I hope it's just a bad point for me that I will pull out of.
I struggle daily with my relationship, being in public, guilt, sleep.... And the list goes on. I joined this site after reading a lot of the no bullshit advice on these forums and I think it's great. I really could use all the insight I can get and needed to find somewhere I can get advice from someone who has been in these similar situations. Sorry if I caused any offense by jumping into forums before introducing myself.
 
No problems and excellent intro. Hat's off to the Corpsman, always. No tiptoeing around it, you've got it bad. First, I would suggest talking to your psychiatric team about the problems you're experiencing. They can't guess how we're feeling. You're right about this place, it has more PTSD insight of any I've been on.

Pull up a chair, join in and glad to have you, Doc!

Sarg
 
Thanks for the invite sarge and thank you for the advice. Luckily I have a great woman that always stands by my side and she is also going to support groups through our local vet center. As for not leaving home without that blued steel for protection that's been a recurring development since my wife to be became pregnant, it triggered a protective instinct that feels very similar to being down range with my marines. I know every time I put it on how much trouble it could get me into but even more how bad it could be if my judgement was clouded by symptoms at the time how easy it would be to make an over reactive decision that could be tragic. For me it's become a control comfort. I live in world of "what ifs" followed by "Murphy's law" and I feel vulnerable without it, not for my life but my ladies and unborn child's. My therapists only comment on it was "you don't bring it here do you". But I'm working hard to feel good enough not to need such a extreme for comfort. Thanks again and it feels really good to have come across this community
 
Welcome Doc B, glad the site has been of help already. Thanks for joining our growing dysfunctional family. ;)
 
Thanks for the invite sarge and thank you for the advice. Luckily I have a great woman that always stands by my side and she is also going to support groups through our local vet center. As for not leaving home without that blued steel for protection that's been a recurring development since my wife to be became pregnant, it triggered a protective instinct that feels very similar to being down range with my marines. I know every time I put it on how much trouble it could get me into but even more how bad it could be if my judgement was clouded by symptoms at the time how easy it would be to make an over reactive decision that could be tragic. For me it's become a control comfort. I live in world of "what ifs" followed by "Murphy's law" and I feel vulnerable without it, not for my life but my ladies and unborn child's. My therapists only comment on it was "you don't bring it here do you". But I'm working hard to feel good enough not to need such a extreme for comfort. Thanks again and it feels really good to have come across this community


Welcome doc! "Murphy's law" and something for you to think about. As to that blued steel for protection. I have been doing that for over 40+ years (legally cwp).....This is something you should not be sharing with any type of VA therapists, psychiatrists or psychologist or any other!!! Talk to the wrong one, this could come back and bite you in the ass. Right now you do not need any more stress in your life.

And thanks Marine, for your service!!!!

J R
 
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Welcome doc! "Murphy's law" and something for you to think about. As to that blued steel for protection. I have been doing that for over 40+ years (legally cwp).....This is something you should not be sharing with any type of VA therapists, psychiatrists or psychologist or any other!!! Talk to the wrong one, this could come back and bite you in the ass. Right now you do not need any more stress in your life.

And thanks Marine, for your service!!!!

J R

I walk on egg shells around the VA. I don't have trust in that system further than I can kick them. The counselor that I am open with is during undocumented visits with a volunteer Vietnam vet at our vet center. I honestly don't like anyone around me to know that i even carry not even my mom when were in town together. I feel that concealment not only protects me but the nerves of those close to me also. I also never want to have to take another life. Unfortunately my physical injuries could very easily keep me from protecting myself or my family. Unfortunately the small quiet home town I left over 10 years ago has become methamphetamine Mecca and their thought process is even more twisted than mine. I'm having a really tough time right now with VA therapy because I'm having to alter some details of oversees trauma because a few of those could bite me and my fellow brothers in the ass hard. Hopefully the burden of those events doesn't hinder my recovery. I'm personally destroyed by the whole war. The corps armed us to the teeth threw us into I giant deadly grey area and gave us black and white rules. When we stayed on the white side we started taking casualties and that made us cross over the line to black and our own system wants to fry us at that point. We lost 4 marines due to the fact that they could have prevented it but R.O.E. said keep your finger off the trigger and your thumb up your ***. If you don't mind me asking how would you recommend I process the things I can't say? This winter has been terrible for some reason and I'm using it for motivation to seek help I just don't always know where to turn for what. Thank you for the reply
 
Welcome Doc, glad you found us.....I agree the world is full of what ifs that most people don't see, with the exception of us vets. I think sarg hit it on the head there....talk to the shrinkers and maybe that can ease some of the load. Congrats on the new baby!
 
Well, Doc you're giving it all you can right now. Just keep at it. That's what wears this beast down. Plus today they have info and therapies they didn't have back in my day. I'm still leery of the iron, but then you have given perfectly valid reasons for weighing your hip down. Just remember, we go to rage too damn fast sometimes.

Hang in, Doc. I'm here if you need me.

Sarg
 
Welcome Doc, glad you found us.....I agree the world is full of what ifs that most people don't see, with the exception of us vets. I think sarg hit it on the head there....talk to the shrinkers and maybe that can ease some of the load. Congrats on the new baby!

Thank you J M! Can't wait for my little one!

Well, Doc you're giving it all you can right now. Just keep at it. That's what wears this beast down. Plus today they have info and therapies they didn't have back in my day. I'm still leery of the iron, but then you have given perfectly valid reasons for weighing your hip down. Just remember, we go to rage too damn fast sometimes.

Hang in, Doc. I'm here if you need me.

Sarg

Thank you sarg. I'm liking my vet center treatment it's productive. My Shrink is awful but she tries her best. She is very quick to prescribe meds that are addictive and dangerous. I'm going to ask some advice in the treatment section here shortly. The medication that helps my TBI is bad for my ptsd and vice versa. I will be on here a lot I very rarely have been leaving home due to sensory overload. I'm training my puppy as a service dog to ease some symptoms. I haven't had a chance to open up and take some pressure off Ike this in a very long time. Being alone and stuck in your head for too many hours out of the day is horrible
 
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