New Join Doc B

[JennyMac]

No pity parties here, and not everyone can just forget at will, been trying and it's a no go.....just like everyone else.

Shame and guilt are a part and parcel with the other lumps of shite that is carried. I will not be ashamed that I am not better yet, haven't conquered the beast, I tried that and it just made me feel like a weakling and a shitpump....don't get me wrong, it's not surrendering, it's acceptance that this is bigger than each of us and it's just not something you can make disappear with sheer will power, if that we're the case this forum would be empty save but a few.

Somedays We are strong some days not so strong, and some days strength is just a matter of perception. I got out of bed this morning and some days that statement is one of will and strength, some days it's just an expected action with no strength required. Wishing and willing ptsd to go away in one hand and shitting in the other hand will only leave you with .....well.....shitty hands. And Every one is born with the same skin thickness, anyone who tells you different is mistaken.

Just my two cents, but then I am having a strong moment, who knows what will happen five minutes from now... Cheers

 

[Drgnner]

I think my point was, we got to be old fart Nam vets because we didnt quit. I have slammed a revolver up to my temple. I know why and how that happens. It is a way out. One of a few. I have also tried the other few. The one constant with me was I did not want to quit. I did not want to surrender. I wanted to keep on fighting even when I also wanted to make it end.

It ebbs and flows. I can not turn it off or on. I have to put up with the little man in the caged locked inside my mind. He puts his hands on the bars and shakes and shakes until I think the door is going to come off. I havent given up yet. I may give up someday on a wild impulse that happens so fast the trigger is pulled before I can change my mind, but I hope not. .

I saw my youngest son yesterday. It was his birthday. I looked at him while he was talking to me and right then at that moment I loved him so much I had to fight back the tear. He wont know that feeling until he is an old man with a youngest of his own. I hope, I pray that someday, he knows how I feel. It is a good thing, believe me. It is stronger than the anger and rage I have known and fostered for so many years.

He would be a different young man yesterday, had I already given in to the urge and ended it so long ago. He would have forever been changed had I done that. It would be better for everyone if I die of an old man illness and maybe even be more alone at that moment than to have hurt the ones I love the very most by ending my life so very early.

There are ripples that go on all around us from the moment we take our first breath. We all see what the many ripples are after war. Had I added to his already disturbed upbringing with my own self inflicted death, I just imagine how that ripple would have hit him.

My Hell would be knowing that I did it to him.

That, I can hardly live with.

Life is a hard motherf*cker. Only the strong will survive and all of you have beaten the odds already.

We never give up. We fight the devil.

 

[Spock]

...Playing the role of a rifleman one minute then caregiver as soon as the situation needed medical help was the most difficult thing to me. Having to go from being cold enough so I could do what I needed to with my rifle then having to show compassion towards a family whose kid got hit next door was a soul tearing experience...

Very insightful words Doc...never heard someone put it that way before. I can use that in Group. Welcome to the team. I tell all my battle buddies this is like having a 24/7 group therapy session at your disposal. Usually someone on that can help you out.
Peace! Stay safe, stay strong...

 

[Fargo1]

Welcome Doc!

 

[Chin Strapped]

Welcome Doc.