The Rage Is Sneaking In Again...

[Deleted member 43454]

Last night I found myself waking up around midnight, as I tried to wait for the second Melatonin pill to take effect. I began struggling with angry thoughts again. You know? The ones where you think of prior situations where you avoided confrontation or situations that might occur. Envision beating somebodies ass for one reason or another. Been dreaming a lot about bears. Walking past them. Or shooting the shit outa them as they attack me in my sleep. I believe this all to be signs of rage slowly setting in again.

I used to have these thoughts constantly. And I ended up blacking out and in trouble.

Good thing is I got a couple of appointments over the next two days. Might ask to get hooked up with some anger therapy.

 

[OldDoorGunner]

Brother, I had that real bad a few years ago. Running thoughts, on & on & on. For me the only thing that stopped the cycle was Xanax....f*ck, it was like I was on vacation. I am still using Xanax .50mg X 4 a day (sometimes 3 a day) Sometimes the Xanax wants me to take more. I will not do it, I have been on it about 4 years, 2mg a day is my max. I have well over 20+ hours researching Xanax and it can be, if used incorrectly a very bad drug. (Just so you know, it is the only drug that works for me.) Something you may want to look into for very short time use.

There are times, even with the Xanax that my thoughts start running, mostly at night. So what I have learn to do is to write a book in my head. I like SyFi, so that is what I write and for me it works. (it's like making up a story and telling it in my head, even with story changes) :) Sometimes I may go 25 to 30 mins, other times I am a sleep in less than 10 mins. When needed I also pick up the story where I left off. The truth is, it's kind of fun.....

J R

 

[reddevil1111]

I used to get like that. I would drink a fifth of anything. wow I could suddenly sleep.

It took away the nightmares. It was pure bliss. Except the whole wow I had to drink a fifth of booze to sleep part.

Now I try to do other things. I limit caffeine and sugar intake. I try to get up at the same time every day. a schedule makes it harder to fall into the trap of sleeping all day and being up all night. If I don't sleep well one night I still get up. I refuse to take naps now. It makes the day hell but it does mean I know I might sleep better that night.

I think most of us go through cycles. And there are indicators of the phases of the cycles. Like our sleep patterns, stress, rage and then moving back to a "better" phase.

Its all stress related. If we work on the stress and reducing it, you see improvement in all other phases.

Black, I would bet your under more stress over something. Figure out better management or stress relief and I bet you can make that feeling of doom go away for a while longer. Good luck brother.... this is not an easy road we travel.

 

[Friday]

Shit I'm glad you wrote that.

I'm right in the middle of that, now. I'm losing so much time... I calculated it out a few weeks ago and realized I've lost 4 months this year. (Past 12 months). In my mental calendar it's early March. Ha. Last week it was February in my head. At least I know last week "counted". Even if pieces of it are gone.

Never considered if could be tied to impotent rage. Makes sense, though.

 

[Sarg]

Rages are dangerous, not only for what they do to you but what you can do to others in a full rage. Far too many Viet Nam Vets wound up in prison in the 60s and 70s. Get drunk, harm or injure, or kill. They'd wake up in a cell facing a life sentence.

I used to get drunk when I was in rage and luckily I mellow out when I drink, so I would wind up waking to a hangover rather than a life sentence.

When I had to quit drinking, I didn't have that crutch anymore, so I had a sawed off baseball bat. Beat hell out of any inanimated object, hopefully inexpensive or repairable. There's a hole in my garage door that needs fixed. But I'm not in prison.

You need to learn to recognize rage when it starts to ramp up and then have a plan on what to do to keep your butt out of prison.

Sarg

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Thanks for the advice everyone it makes a ton of sense. My sleep schedule has been all over the place. Stressing myself out trying to get outa the rut and get a stable job.

 

[Sapper1]

You're all hitting it on the nose. All of it is so true. After a lot of practice and some help with understanding all of this, I've actually been able to talk myself out of the mood when I start to notice it creeping in. Not always and it's far from perfected but I have done it several times. Takes a lot of brain power and talkin myself down. Gotta think like ur in a battle with the beast I guess. Tried the heavy drinking and letting out some rage on my family and that wasn't working!

 

[dutchiedelta]

Kaboom! Impotent rage.
I tend to medicate myself to sleep. For normal *(ha ha)* night sleep but also when it gets too rough to handle.
Afraid of the damage I might do.
As a teetotaller for safety, there is little outlet for rage. Also I don't want to be that scary person who clocks and knocks you at first sight.
Have to keep it under covers cos once it rips, it'd destroy what little there's left.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

So check this out, my therapist or whatever did about two individual counseling appointments with me. Then he pushed me off into group anxiety management. I'm not sure what part of I got anxiety out the ass told him I'd be ready to be with a group. I called him and notified him that this was an issue and now he's going to do an individual session just before the group.

They also decided it was time to up my dosage of this, "Not give a shit" pill and I'm trying that out. I'm enraged because I feel stuck in quick sand. I hope this shit gives me a big enough boost to blend me into society again, but I can't even trust my own judgement's. Not when it comes to moral's or good vs bad. I know I am good... and other days I feel I'm an evil man willing to fight for good. Just confusion as to how serious this all really is. You know they slap you with a diagnosis and feed you pills and talk but maybe I need to ask for some brutal honesty because I'm just another file.

I mean, f*ck all day it's just... death.

 

[dutchiedelta]

DrBlack, would it be possible for some of us to look at it from a different angle?
Yes we should strive for damage control, to feel better, not to hurt ourselves and others.

How bad would it be to accept we are different?
Severe diabetics differ. They may survive cos of insulin but some merely exist, don't have this full vibrant life everybody seems to be after.

Controlling your anger and not punching people left and right is a good idea :)
Would it help you to accept that you're not the man you once were and it comes with warts and all?
Just speaking from personal experience, the moment I allowed myself to admit I do have PTSD, was as if a heavy burden fell off me. I am different. Will never be a woman 100% relaxed, shopping in crowd, carefree and shutters for the unpleasant things in the world.
Not by free choice but that's the way it is.
I stopped fighting the negative label and can only work with what's there.
So yes, different but not less valuable. Still a human being in spite of our feelings of the Beast within.
Fight to control it, not fighting anymore to deny it's there works for me.

 

[OldDoorGunner]

So check this out, my therapist or whatever did about two individual counseling appointments with me. Then he pushed me off into group anxiety management. I'm not sure what part of I got anxiety out the ass told him I'd be ready to be with a group. I called him and notified him that this was an issue and now he's going to do an individual session just before the group.

They also decided it was time to up my dosage of this, "Not give a shit" pill and I'm trying that out. I'm enraged because I feel stuck in quick sand. I hope this shit gives me a big enough boost to blend me into society again, but I can't even trust my own judgement's. Not when it comes to moral's or good vs bad. I know I am good... and other days I feel I'm an evil man willing to fight for good. Just confusion as to how serious this all really is. You know they slap you with a diagnosis and feed you pills and talk but maybe I need to ask for some brutal honesty because I'm just another file.

I mean, f*ck all day it's just... death.

DrBlack, are you dealing with a VA Hospital, CBOC or a Vet Center? Only having 2 counseling appointments, before sending you to an anxiety group, does not sound right to me. If he did that with me I would have told him NO!!! I would have done it nicely, told him I am not ready for that.

Not knowing how much counseling you have had in the passed, I would think you are getting the bums rush, if you are just starting out. I started out (3 years+ ago) with my counseler at my local CBOC and we did CBT. We are still doing CBT, however I have been taking some time off from weekly counseling. I was at one point seeing him 2 or 3 times a week. I now see him when I feel the need, have a question or just want to talk with him about things PTSD. Anyway, I was seeing him for about 3 months, before he told me that he did groups, for anger and anxiety management and I could come if I wanted. No orders that I had to do this.

Going to a therapist or counseler should not increase our anxiety/anger in just the going to see them. We should deal with the anger and anxiety during the session with them dealing with the Beast. Sounds to me that you may want to find a new therapist or counseler.

As to your "Not give a shit" pill, if you feel it is working at the level you are taking, do not take more. But if you are getting something out of it, you may want to up it a tad and see if it helps more. You also may want to get off that drug and try something else. REMEMBER it' your Body, so it is totally up to you what you put in it. It's also a good idea to look up the drugs you are given, some are not good.......

In dealing with the VA, I am a very nice guy......till someone pissis me off. I still stay a nice guy, but I go HARD/COLD and let them know I will not put up with any of there shit. In the 3+ years going to my local CBOC, I have had 8 or maybe 9 Doctors. I went in to see a new doc for an appointment, after being with this guy about 15 mins I did not like the guy and told him so. (and why, it was fun) I want a new Doctor and walked out. He was a know it all, did not want to work with me, thinks he has the biggest dick in the world kind of guy........He did not stay at the CBOC very long........

Remember at the VA, be a nice guy and stay a nice guy even when they make you angry!!! But you can go HARD/COLD and use the 1000 yard stare. It does work.....

Another thing I have found out at the VA Hospitals, a lot of the people that work there, Don't know a f*cking thing about PTSD, let alone you have it. Thats why some of them say and do stupid shit that makes us go off.....

J R

 

[dutchiedelta]

OldDoorGunner, PTSD is the least known emotional scarring there is. The knowledge from people that work with it, is just now building up.
It's been a "If we ignore it it goes away" thing for so long.
Imagine a therapist, fresh out of school or even long time working. Great on whatever but they never saw and did what we experienced.
It's the least known one and often experts just don't know wtff to do with it.