Dragging Up The Past

[FishNH]

Why the f*ck does she always bring up the past?!? Yes there are 3 times where I have f*cked up. 1)she found an inappropriate convo I had with a chick cause I felt 0 love at home. So I went and saw psych. He said "I was a normal guy coming back from deployment" I said ok.she wanted me to get 2nd opinion. I said no. (Strike 1)
2) in June 2013, the therapist I was seeing at va told me the was leaving because her position was a yr assignment. I didn't go back because why would I of they are just going to get rid of them? (Strike 2)
3) after our blowout in March, I said i was going to do individual therapy until group started. Then group started and psych stopped my ind. apps. Then few weeks later I told wife and asked why didn't I say something? Cause I knew she would be mad. and she took that as I knew I was supposed to go to both individual and group therapy.

Are you f*cking kidding me?!?! Now, 4 months after our blow up, she still needs time "to figure out if I can go another round."

So much for the love is kind, love is patient thing read at our wedding...

Just very pissed off...rant off

 

[Spock]

Off the top of my head:
1) To Control
- or -
2) It is good intel for you to know she has a specific unresolved issue that she really wants you to address further

You might consider taking her to your doc once, it is good to give your spouse a voice, even a small one. Once they see you in the doc's office they might give you some more leeway. At least, it worked for me.

Every person, every relationship is different.
The rest of the folks here can offer some different thoughts as well.

Stay safe IRQ

 

[OldDoorGunner]

My wife knows all and I mean all of the Dark Shit from Nam. Hell she wrote all of my stressors. Not to say you should do that!!! But for us it's the way it should be. She wants to go with me to my Counselor, she also asks him questions or tells him how she is feeling/doing. She also sees him alone and they have a talk about things form her point of view. Keep in mind we are older, she is 65 and I am 63, so with age comes experience and wisdom.....We both know this is how we need to deal with Beast for us. We understand that we have to deal with the good and the bad. Please don't get the idea this is a walk in the park, as it sure as hell is not!!! Both of us work together on it, every day.

It maybe a good idea to show you spouse what Combat PTSD is. I'll bet there are some good books that would do that, and maybe a few web sites as well....Try giving them some understanding as to what they see and hear coming from you and the Beast......

Before I knew I had PTSD, I did frighten my Wife and my 6 year Daughter with the Beast, a lot...They both have secondary PTSD. Had I known I had it, I would have gotten some info for the wife to learn about it and share with our daughter and got help for myself

I hope this makes some since, as I had got some bad news today and had to take some extra Zxnax.

J R

 

[Spock]

Good words ODG...my wife is a Psych Major and had Anxiety issues before me so she was a little more patient with me.

IRQ: ODG reminded me of something you can share which we refer many folks here to, it was designed to be shared with your family. From the media section "You're Not in the Forces Now":

Link Removed

 

[dutchiedelta]

1)she found an inappropriate convo I had with a chick cause I felt 0 love at home. So I went and saw psych. He said "I was a normal guy coming back from deployment" I said ok.she wanted me to get 2nd opinion. I said no. (Strike 1)

Just very pissed off...rant off

The psych that gave your permission by saying it's normal to have an inappropriate convo with another woman cos you're a guy coming back from deployment, ought to hand in his license.
You didn't want a second opinion cos any responsibility about inappropriate behaviour was now washed clean. Got away with that nicely there.

You talk about love is kind, love is patient at your wedding.
When you felt unloved, you didn't have the patience or skills to not have that convo either.

You didn't tell your wife you stopped going to therapy cos she would be mad. Can't blame the woman for that.
You seem to have a bad case of it and do not fight tooth and nail to get therapy.
How is that helping your marriage?

I understand your PTSD may make you see things from your pov mostly.
It's up to you to decide if you want therapy, help, be in a marriage or not.

The reason your mrs brings up these issues is cos they are anything but resolved.
Convenient to put behind cos they may upset or hurt you to look into. Granted.
But to her it is very much alive in the here and now.

I hesitated to say anything but thought, you are going angry to angrier and you have no therapist.
Your past is her present and it's hurting her.

Up to you to work on that or not.

 

[FishNH]

Thank you Dutchie. You bring up points that are right. I never thought to look at this stuff from her point of view. Youre right, I am scared to death to talk to her about everything. The whole future makes me very scared. Idk why it took me this long to get help(inpatient PTSD program now) Should have done this 3 years ago. Hindsight 20-20. And as for marriage, I do wanna stay with her, its because of her im still living, and now my little man too. But I just wanted to say thank you :)

 

[Friday]

Hey...ditto everyone else... But also if you're inpt. right now, remember too that they're going to be looking / asking for everything that has been a problem since your PTSD kicked off. Even/especially if you've worked out a resolution to it. (To make sure the resolution you guys have come up with on the fly isn't sick/apt to cause problems down the road. There are a whole lotta "You may want to keep an eye on that to make sure you don't fall into this common problem" to "Whoa. That's gonna cause WWIII, guaranteed.").

 

[Jimmy1]

You might be quite surprised. Margaret likes to know how my head is, a kind of a 'HeadStat'

She shows me no sympathy, but I know she cares.

The most important piece of info I will give, is to keep communicating. The minute secrets start, or people withhold their feelings, that is when problems start.

 

[dutchiedelta]

It takes a lit of courage to face our deepest fears.
You are taking a big step alrwady by looking at it.
As others say, communication is a magic word. You seem to realky want to make your life better. Go for it.
No time like the present time. It may help a little to know people are thinking along and wishing you well.

 

[dutchiedelta]

And I can't write to save my life on the mobile phone. Really ought to get out the laptop every time.
Spelling... sigh.....

 

[Raven]

You shouldn't have had an inappropriate conversation with another woman. If there's "0 love at home", either address it with your spouse in order to figure out what's going on with her and rekindle things or break things off with her and find love elsewhere. Don't try to double-dip. I'm honestly shocked that your therapist sloughed it off as "normal behavior". It may have had something to do with your homecoming, but that doesn't make it okay. It doesn't mean you should get away with it. Either the therapist who told you that is incompetent, or you're skewing what he said.

You hurt your wife by crossing boundaries. Don't be surprised that there's fallout.

She needs to decide if she wants to give you another chance and forgive you. If she can't forgive you then she should leave you.

You screwed the pooch and she is not obligated to forgive you, but you can ask her to make up her mind as to whether or not she wants to stick around and work on things.

 

[FishNH]

Lol, you do just fine, thank you again :)