The Sad Dutchman

[Deleted member 43454]

Hahah, yea I mean I do get out of the house more these days as well.
But I prefer my solitude over being sociable. So it's like a loner type personality mixed with PTSD equals even more solitude.
For me solitude isn't daunting. For others they cannot stand being alone. It's given me time to face myself in a way.

 

[Darksoul]

Well, for me its the same. Weird maybe but my son and I keep tarantula's. He thinks they are cool, I like their behaviour.

I like the nights, times where everyone is at sleep and I keep the watch. These are the moments I feel at ease. Alone but armed.

Seeing little reaction here I guess I am screwed. Is there really no one that feels the same, that cooped with life like I did?

I have an appointment at 16.00 today, I took beer, to much already. Guess Im running into that wall called the end.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Not everyone is the same as you said earlier some of your friends who were there with you went about things different ways.
What you can do is utilize coping methods in threads here on this site an apply them to your life/situation.
If there's something specific you're looking for type a keyword in the search bar on the top right and search through the archives of threads of countless other veterans. It may seem you're alone but you're really not if you look. If you can't find something specific then just ask about it.

 

[Darksoul]

Went to my first session again last week. This is private healthcare now, they make me pay. Kind of weird, they sent me there, screwed me up and now they charge me. Welcome to capitalism.

Besides that, it was a total relieve. Instead of this military style, no fuss, barracks setting I entered this pretty clean place with a great view over the city. I took a few beers before I went, maybe not the best idea but it makes it easier for me to speak. For the first time in 3 years I didnt feel completely fckd up because I had to go and see them......

We have this war trauma center down here, its run by jews. I think it opened right after our boys came back from lebanon. To every man his religion but please do not stuff it up my face. A leftover from the war I guess. I never understood what they where fighting about, they spoke the same language, they looked alike and even ate the same crappy food. Their only difference was what they believed in. The little shit villages where hardly worth dying for.

Thinking about saltys words, ill probably offend someone. This jewish center had a guy with the keppie and the curls, he was the shrink. Apart from the unfriendly environement they had this poster wall. One of the posters offert vets money if they would agree to experimental therapy. Frigging electro shocks on the brain. I ran man, thats no place I want to hang out. The place, the shrink just gave me the creeps. In my mind I saw him with his hand drill, me strapped to a table trying to put some more holes in my head. In my case I need to be able to trust someone to open up. He gave me the opposite, very warm welcome, holding my hands a little to long and being to friendly. I guess I was right, when I told him I needed to overthink things he got annoyed and cancelled future appointments. I guess that sensitivity is also something you learn in war, who is a threath and whom isnt. I became a pretty good judge by just looking at their faces.

 

[vikingr24]

Early on I was very judgemental and still am in subtle ways. But I really have to work on just letting things go, including people that irritate, say stupid things, or just don't give f*** about anything. I do. But it reminds me of that saying in the Good Book (now Manonfire don't go batshit over this), but Lord, thy ocean is so big and my boat so small. (I used to say "so much bigger" but it got me in trouble in certain circles.)

It's true though. We have to get hold of the idea that we really are small people in this world but we can make a difference even if the difference is one only we, as individuals can see. I used to mountain climb. The training in the Pipeline included it. the Sangre de Cristo mountains in the morning when it is crisp and nippy, are a sight to see.

The instructor would choose a mountain based on our level of training, and tell us the hit the top. It took teamwork and a lot of effort and quick thinking. But the feeling of accomplishment was tremendous when maybe the three of us made it to the top.

It was a small feat but big in my heart. Part of having this demon is he reminds us of our younger days and then plunges a knife into it when he says "You can't do that anymore."

You can't climb into a helo at night with an O2 mask and a black plastic suit with swim fins and jump at 18,000 feet and land in a furious ocean. The rush is over. And all we have are memories that are repeat, repeat, repeat. Remind yourself of what you did that was good, over and over.

But my boat is so small......

 

[Deleted member 43454]

@Darksoul -
My faith is not the same as the Jewish and their Talmud.
An no way would I ever recommend anybody electro-shock therapy.
You probably dodged a bullet with that.

In fact I'm not too keen on religion in general. I follow the teachings of Christ.
I believe in an afterlife and I believe in heaven. I'm a true warrior for the Lord and not some blood thirsty crusader war monger.
Every place I may go I am fully prepared to give my life to protect those around me whatever the situation.
Before this I was worst of the worse. I had fallen pretty low.
The Lord is still working through me and has been a father to a wretched bastard like me.

The reason I mention these things is because to me this has been the best "Cure" alternative to what is typical "treatment."
So to me those rejecting God just don't know him like I do and are refusing the best cure for ones soul there is.

 

[CyclePath]

You can't climb into a helo at night with an O2 mask and a black plastic suit with swim fins and jump at 18,000 feet and land in a furious ocean. The rush is over.

I miss this so much. Seven months post retirement and it is hitting me. Helocasting, spyrigging, diving, jumping, demo, various categories of shooting, etc... all gone. All of it.