Being Lost In Myself

[littlelight]

I feel helpless in my own emotions. I never know what I actually feel, and the thoughts/ emotions I have are never consistent. I try and fight the negative feelings that I know are coming, but there is nothing that stops it. I feel like there is a hole in my soul. Nothing fills it. I try and find things that make me happy, but there is nothing. I miss having all of the emotions I had before going through therapy. Therapy made me more aware of what is going on, and now that I know whats happening, I don't know what is causing it. I just want to be normal, I want to be understood, I want to be forgiven. But forgiven of what? I don't even know what I want to be forgiven of. I just know that there is some emptiness inside of me that nothing fills. No amount of love quenches the thirst of my being. Nothing anyone does or says makes these feelings go away. I have an amazing support system, but even with that I feel lost. I feel like a part of my soul, a part of me is lost in time. I want the past to come back to me but I am well aware that it is gone forever. My life had purpose then, it had meaning, and now it means nothing. I love life and I would never take me own life because I believe that it the most selfish thing you can do. You are pawning your pain off on the people that love you, and that is just wrong. I need to find the thing that makes me feel whole again. Family doesn't do it, significant others don't do it, not even time does it. And I am tired of waiting. I want to be healed. I want to be fixed. I want to be the old me that was loving, and caring, and compassionate. But that me is gone. The me that I am now, the me that runs this show, he lives in fear. My life is governed by what could possibly happen. And no amount of praise or love changes the way I feel. I am eternally helpless.

 

[Terrier]

Ditto.... I have no emotion/passion for anything these days. I struggle with my purpose in life, because I feel I have none.

 

[Platdaddy18e]

I was the same for many years. Was so not lost just abandoned inside. My brotherhood was my lifes reason. Started with forty and now just 2. A very old man who I never really knew his title with the dod got me into the arts. studying martial arts mainly akido then gave me an out to release this frustration. I since then worked on others but just out of boredom until today which I am in a chair allot. Busted up from life both in service and thrill seeking. I have to say it took me years to cope. I was angry allot yet hid it very well. Finally today I just beat the crap out of a bag or bed until I am exhausted and it seems the more tired the body the more tired the mind. I started building minibikes and karts for poor kids to come ride. Moved to the country which seemed to help 90% more than anything else. Different blend of people with less on guard helped more than I ever expected. I was in the 8 class due to explosive anger for many years. 1200 lithium and 300 wellbrutin everyday for a while to remain on the streets. I was an angry young man before the army it just gave me a home. So many therapists have no clue. the military ones think they know what you have seen but they do not. Finally after raising hell with local senator emailing them everyday they got me civilian help. way much better. Doc said I have no clue how to help you feel worthy again lets figure it out together. None of this suck it up crap but more of how do you feel today and what do you think caused it. Never a text book response. I have had many years of training in this area from many other positions both in leadership and anti info. My best advice is really try every hobby you can find you might like. Sky dive, some safer thrill seeker things to give you the rush of life feeling again. My one brother left became a journalist in the arena because he could not leave the adrenaline. I worry about him yet he is in his element. Oct 23 1983 changed us for ever. Cannot be undone. I am off the meds and after 18 years of hush bullshit hearings I got my retirement. I tried the vfw, I tried the va and just did not fit brother or sister. There are different tiers that even career people cannot except or understand yet they think they do. The arts helped allot. teaching young people now trade skills helps me allot. building buggies and bikes helps. getting in my wheel chair and taking dirt poor kids on a ride on my 30 year old pontoon boat to see their faces light up helps. Finding work that is fun. We were taught how to turn it on over and over yet never taught how to turn it off. You have value, you have thunder big time still inside you, finder ways to bring it up differently is the challenge. Go to speed zone and drive the hell out of a kart, do the nothing but net drop. dam thats a rush. We have to find ways to get that rush still and in time the need for it will become less and less. cannot just turn it off when ets.

 

[holdenmonty]

I feel similar about all the years of therapy. I am aware of the thoughts and feelings. I can even see where they come from and why they happen sometimes. But now that I am aware of them I want to get ride of them. I learned to challenge them in the past but going through the process of constantly challenging them became exhausting and ended up just suppressing/trying to ignore them.

 

[littlelight]

I feel similar about all the years of therapy. I am aware of the thoughts and feelings. I can even see where they come from and why they happen sometimes. But now that I am aware of them I want to get ride of them. I learned to challenge them in the past but going through the process of constantly challenging them became exhausting and ended up just suppressing/trying to ignore them.

Yea I am exactly where you are. I am aware of whats wrong, I can't live in that little world where i pretend nothing is wrong anymore. I feel like knowing they exist make it worse than not knowing. I still don't know how to handle these things, and when I feel like I am making the right choice, it turns out I am making the wrong call. And its just that, I am exhausted. Parts of me want to stop going to therapy, which I wouldn't do. But it just seems to me that I have gotten the most out of what they could give me. I need to be taught how to manage all of these emotions and thoughts.

 

[Terrier]

Agree, it is draining to try every day to keep all this crap inside so out ward appearances look normal. I have a civilian therapist, who like stated above, says lets work on this together. The VA didn't even bother to try to help me, just shoved me out the door saying, sorry we got no one who can see you... I've tried a lot of things, but clearly haven't found my purpose. My body is broken, so many physical things are out - too much pain, can't do them. I just get no joy out of anything. I tried moving, thinking I'd have a nice new 'window' to look out of, but chaos and deception soon arose. I'm down to 2 friends, and can't seem to make new ones. Of course that is hard because I don't like going to crowded places. I was gonna join the Am Legion, but they made it clear they weren't interested in women vets by only talking to the men in the audience and collecting their contact info at events. It does really feel like I'm on not just an island, but one that is being washed away out from under me.

 

[Deadman]

@littlelight Your original post sounds exactly like you were writing my thoughts. I'm stuck at the same point. I understand what PTSD has done to me, I have tools to fight it, but I can't find meaning now that I no longer carry the torch.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Yea those days I normally look like a stone faced arseh*le.
But its at that point when I gave up pretending to be happy or interested it was exhausting as Terrier said.
An for the longest I didn't understand why social gatherings were exhausting... it's cus I don't give a shit anymore.
Only thing that gives me some comfort of fills that void has been restoring my faith.
Some days like I said though, I'm void of all emotion and just dead inside.
Can't help but picture that dude from Office Space sitting there like, "The hell with this."

 

[vikingr24]

This thread is sounding like a Sartre novel, where everyone stands around and nothing happens. But unfortunately, it is true.
He said we are all a cosmic joke or a tragic farce.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Everyone has to do their own work by themselves.
I know for certain I'm not the same man I was a year ago.
In fact, it's physically impossible.

 

[littlelight]

@littlelight Your original post sounds exactly like you were writing my thoughts. I'm stuck at the same point. I understand what PTSD has done to me, I have tools to fight it, but I can't find meaning now that I no longer carry the torch.

See I don't even have the tools to fight it. I have been shown what is wrong but nothing to fix it. I am starting a non profit organization for veterans and current military with ptsd to be bale to video chat with each other. And that has helped a lot.