Relationship Husband of wife that has c-ptsd from severe childhood trauma, looking for support

[Geo]

Sorry I haven't been noticing your posts. I did a major overhaul on my bathroom and then had a surpr...

thank you for your reply, I want to keep my kids safe no matter what but problem is in Canada the courts always side with the mother no matter what they are very very lienient here in Canada laws are different than down in south big time, it pretty much has to get to point of gun being pointed at children for them to be tooken from here in Canada it sounds bad but its the truth I have a few friends that are amazing fathers going through some tuff times with their ex wives and custody fighting in court and even with one mom going mental and getting cops involved she still gets 80b percent custody of the kids and he has to sit by and feel terrible about safety of his children when they are both in the mothers care, I have been told this by a lot of people now, and it really hurts me even more, the risks involved with what she does and the potential of kids getting hurt or abandoned or even worse abused sexually or beaten by the wrong men she associates with it really really frightens me greatly and brings me down

 

[Gamera3000]

thank you for your reply, I want to keep my kids safe no matter what but problem is in Canada the courts al...

Hm. I just looked back through your posts. One of your kids is a four year old girl...how many others do you have and what are the ages?

What is your custody arrangement? As in, how much time do you spend with the kids and how much time does she spend with the kids?

Are you still able to present to your wife as some kind of ally? And are you able to personally face the fact that she is actually your enemy right now, because of the kid situation? Let's be honest so you can sort through this tactically.

My husband and I were in a similar situation last year, when it appeared as though the biological (not legal) father of our son might be getting a lawyer. We employed a "poisoning the well" technique that worked really well and ultimately allowed us to get rid of him (so far). However, since in our case the bio dad had no legal rights to begin with, we had a much easier situation than you do. Also keep in mind that we are in the US, in a southern state (conservative). Here's what you would do to employ our technique:

-The next time you happen to talk to your wife, tell her you're sorry you haven't been as thoughtful as you should have been. You want her to know you're here for her. [this is get her off the defensive]
-Whenever you're in contact with her, encourage her to talk about herself, her interests, and her troubles. Just agree with whatever she says. Never offer advice. [this makes you appear to be her friend]
-Offer to do activities together with the children during "her" time with them. The excuse you give for this will be some kind of time or money-saving benefit for her [this is so that you are present as much as possible when she is with the children]
-Make the activities things she likes [distracts her from the kids and makes you think you are her friend]
-When you are together with the children, encourage the kids to play and you listen to her [this undermines her "bond" with the children. you do not want your children bonded with someone who will definitely hurt them- this may sound cruel, but is necessary]
-If an opportunity presents itself, take the children during "her" time. To give her "time off" or "help with expenses" or whatever [this strengthens your role as the primary caregiver, minimizes the chance she will expose to children to danger, and actually gives a better chance of the kids having a good time with her when they do have time, because there is less of it]
-Never talk negatively about the mom in front of the kids [you don't want to unmask yourself as poisoning the well, and you want the kids to "make their own decisions" about who is okay and who is not]
-Make it clear to the kids that if ANYONE, including you or their mom, says something bad to them, hugs them or touches them when they don't like it, or does anything else that makes them uncomfortable, they are to say "NO. I don't like that!" and give them a third person to tell, like a grandparent. [Including yourself in this scenario lets the kids know that it really is okay to say no if they are uncomfortable. I said this to my son when he was 2 and he immediately stopped allowing hugs from other people and started telling me and my husband when it was okay to hug and kiss him. He got it immediately.]

Lastly, I would absolutely NOT just outright tell any child what is going on with their messed up parent. Kids are not equipped to handle that kind of thing. I made the mistake of always being completely honest with my autistic little brother, because I myself always yearned for people to be honest with me. I thought I was helping him. Instead he has never trusted or listened to me because he thinks I'm too negative. He is about to turn 31 and he is still living with our abusive mother. She may be sleeping with him. I haven't been able to tell for sure.

Don't underestimate the seriousness of allowing your children to grow up emotionally close to your wife. She could ruin their lives and it would destroy you to watch it.

 

[Geo]

Hm. I just looked back through your posts. One of your kids is a four year old girl...how many other...

hello thank you for your reply gamma we are still living together for now till end of month she will be moving into her own place by then and I will be moving in with parents with kids at that point too, we have two kids one is the daughter which is 4 and half and verbially autisitic doesn't talk which I have been teaching sighn language to for communication which has worked very well along with picture cards to help her make choices we also have a 2 and half year old son and currently doesn't really talk yet either hasn't had enough development things done with him since he has been born I have been working very very hard at developing both kids with everything as the mother emotionally distances herself from many aspects of childhood development with them, she has began to do other things too which also worries me too has began to mix stronger alcohol above 20 percent with her anti depressant meds, she can associate with kids from time to time but honestly dissacotiates lots and pretty much refrains from almost all actual childhood development with them I have really been emotionally connected to not just the kids but also the ex now for our 12 year relationship while she secretly did and still does in her spare time she has had unprotected sexual encounters as she has used pregnancy tests and has had couple mornings of getting sick, I know the chances of her becoming pregnant again by some random guy she has encounters with is very very true plus the fact that every day certain duties around the house she has very hard time doing like cleaning and washing clothes and pretty much having daily routine to make the living atmosphere for kids up to certain standard, I don't judge anyone that has this or has had bad things happen and greatly appreaciate all the support in here from all of you, I have been going through a tough time as of late lots of stress and worries that have me really get down lots now which I belive might be start of post traumatic stress, depression but I take deep breaths and remember my therapy I went through myself years ago and begin to use self help techniques to ground myself and to not allow myself to further hurt the kids having two parents that are not good, I really do have worries, I have chatted to my ex mom lots about her so she knows what happened to her in childhood now and understands my concerns with the kids, and also has worries about her daughter now, she splits herself lots and talks differently with different people and downplays lots on what she does, has openly omitted to me that she will not be going back to theropy which really scares me about kids told her mom in talks they have that she wasn't ready to go back but told me she will never go back, she just so emotionally wish washy and unstable cant ever really know what goes on and the chances of bad things happening to kids in her time with them, we will be sharing kids, she has told me that she wants to be able to see the kids when ever she wants but doesn't come to say how much, very very hard to even have talks with her as she can switch herself and come off differently with different chats, she is trying to live basically two very different lives wants to go out and party and re live her childhood emotionally which I have come to think now she has repressed herself back to in a very very big way, I can see complete changes with in her of everything she did when we first met now has gone back to, smokes lot of ciggerettes and I have also seen the odd night when she has come home that certain colour of her face and how her eyes are that she has also maybe gotten into other harder drugs too, has come home with bruises on her face as well, I am very good at seeing things and pay attension very very closely to what is happening, I spend a lot of time cleaning our house which I associate with 4 f type in myself because I hate to have kids in very dirty environment so I clean all dishes, wash and fold clothes put away and clean floors and walls in house daily, as with her she spends on most times about 8 or 9 day cycles before she makes attempt to clean anything which is her 4 f subtype but doesn't make anything easy at all and very very stressfull on the future of what can happen once she is on her own in less than month, I wont have the same control of what is happening and that just really really hurts me as the father and big time care giver of our children, I want nothing more than to give these kids a great life and help them be nurtured and developed in a healthy manner, but what their getting is a non developed childhood unless I am involved which I have been from the beginning with them, I know they are getting stressed too emotionally which only hurts me even more, their has been days that the ex stays out very late at night and I have gotten kids up and fed plus clothed and driven to grandparents house on mornings I have to go to work which I don't mind but makes me worry at same time on whats goona happen when I am not around and the kids are with her? very scary situation that very well could end up with family services envolved if something bad were to happen to them, the ex even went out other night after the fact of drinking half a big bottle of alcohol and drove so drinking and driving also not a very good thing, her mom thinks that she will end up basically stopping contact with kids and I will eventually have them but I told her that she probably wont and just keep doing what she does and still make it seem like she is doing them good, she takes many many selfie pictures of her and kids over social media and manipulates the fact of she is good when she most certainly isn't,

 

[Gamera3000]

Wow. Again, you could easily be talking about my sister. That's just so weird how similar people's stories can be online.

Yeah I would still say to remember that your kids are most important in all of this, and any adult problems only matter as they affect the kids. That's an easy way to stay grounded when everything else seems nuts or impossible.

I recently walked away from a career in research about autistic adults. Kids have never been my focal point, but you can't research adults without knowing kid stuff too. I also have an interest in the lifetime wellbeing of autistic people, so because of that I know a little bit about kids. So biologically, there are five "disorders" that run in families. Bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, ADHD, autism, and depression. If you have a couple people in a family who have one of these disorders, you can look around the other family member and likely find some with either the same disorder (maybe not diagnosed) or one of the other five. I don't know if that might help you to know. Here's a source on the big five:
Autism, ADHD, bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder and schizophrenia share common genetic risk factors

It is my personal opinion, which I cannot support with evidence since I don't officially study kids, that kids who delay a significant developmental step (like talking) are working on developing something else, which is necessary for an autistic person. For example, autistic people tend to be very good at error-finding. So a kid may be developing this autistic trait and would not have the energy left over for speaking. So the speaking would come later, at a less developmentally busy time. Sign language is great, and I would also suggest using picture references. I wouldn't expect your daughter being non-verbal (assuming you mean completely non-verbal) to be "notable" until she was maybe close to 6. It's VERY common, especially in stressful situations.

Another thing to take into account with raising one or two autistic people is that most autistics intrinsically cannot understand or master manipulation. Most autistic adults have reported being sexually victimized (Dead Link Removed). There's another study (which I can't find without going in my basement) that recently found that something like 90% of autistics reported being abused sexually, financially, or physically. It takes them quite a while to find their own ways of recognizing liars and bad people, and by then they have had to learn from their own personal experience.

Think to yourself, what could I have done to keep my daughter (or son) from being raped? What could I do to keep them from developing an eating disorder, or becoming dependent on drugs or alcohol? You are actually at that point now. As far as you know, nothing has happened to your kids, so you can act now to make sure they have a good life. And trust me, autistic people do tend to have good lives. The vast majority of them have trouble in their early 20s transitioning to adult responsibilities and adult social stuff, but they get through that and usually end up in their 40s and beyond doing better than the rest of us. Less divorces, less career changes, less stupid decisions. My early research found that they were more likely to become managers or other people in lower positions of power.

As to your wife, I would try to let her know that it's okay to "let go" of her parental responsibilities and let you take over. She can still visit them, I would offer very often, but make it clear that you want her to be okay and not have to worry about taking care of them. What you want is to take care of your kids, not your wife at the expense of your kids.

I hope this living situation doesn't take too long. I'm sure that's hard to deal with. Good luck.