Marriage 50/50 partnership?

[NewBeginnings]

Everyone is different but I am struggling with the concept of marriage being a 50/50 partnership. Is that really how people view it?

For years and now I have seen myself as not as important, my ideas & thoughts not as valueable as my partner. In T we (t and I) are exploring my belief around not deserving 50%. T says if I am ok with it then ok but it seems as though I am not.

This ideas feels selfish. Does this sounds nuts? Anyone challenged this belief? Suggestions

 

[EveHarrington]

Are these views from inside your own head or are they based on how your partner treats you? :hug:

 

[NewBeginnings]

Are these views from inside your own head or are they based on how your partner treats you? :hug:...

Right now based on how we handle situations that come up with our kids.

I see that I don't always agree with how he decides things or what is decided but not sure my role.

Then i cross over to me and not sure what I think is acceptable but maybe I shouldn't be questioning that. Make sense?

 

[Friday]

I had almost free rein with childrearing, and 100% of the responsibility for it. Abusive marriage, so not unexpected.

My friends/family with healthy marriages?

- Some divide & conquer (1 person is 100% responsible for the kids, 1 is 100% responsible for work, as well as other things which are rarely shared... But total everything out & it tends to be fairly balanced), Is it always exactly even? Almost never. Someone is usually doing "more" this season, or that year, or overall. But it's not grossly uneven, to the point of either being unhappy, because it's extremely important to both that the other -as well as themselves- are happy.

- Others divide & come together as they see fit. Which very much changes marriage to marriage.

A common one, for example, with shared child raising, is that while each person gets a vote? The person WITH the kids (either in the moment, or in plans regarding future events) gets 2 votes. So -as an example- if parent A is going to be responsible for drop off & pick up? They get 2 votes about where daycare is located. If parent B feels really strongly about a place parent A has vetoed? How can B rearrange their own schedule to accomplish that, and/or what is parent A willing to compromise in order to help that happen?

 

[NewBeginnings]

That all makes sense. I am not sure how to explain and it isn't as important as I first thought. On one hand nothing is always equal and I get that. I guess it came up more around the little stuff so I need to stop being so sensitive. By little stuff I mean - where we stop for dinner when traveling, what clothes are ok to buy for the kids, what I wear/buy, which road/route we take to drive to a specific destination- anyway it is really ok - sorry for the post.

 

[shimmerz]

what I wear/buy,

Hmmmm.... I don't like the sounds of this.

One thing that had me hold onto grabbing more votes with the kids was that I knew that my kids father was abusive. Abusive spouses, imo, get no votes until they figure out that they are being abusive and take positive actions to fix the problem. So if there is any indication that your spouse is abusive then it is your job to wrestle for control. Otherwise, I would say, if it is bothering you then it is your responsibility to get to the bottom of what is upsetting you. The fact that you are working with a t on this is a good thing. I would keep doing that, if I were you.

I don't think you need to apologize for the posting. It seems like valid concerns to me. And a child's good physical and mental health are always worth struggling through our own issues for.

 

[scout86]

the concept of marriage being a 50/50 partnership.

Could you explain what you mean by that? I don't have much good personal experience to draw on, by my T does a lot of relationship counseling and he's said that he thinks it a 100/100 partnership. With the idea being that each partner contributes 100% of what they bring to the table to the relationship.

I'm wondering if you & he are talking about 2 different things?

I guess it came up more around the little stuff

What "little stuff" is probably depends on who you're talking to. If being able to chose the route home is important to you, it IS. It's not 'little stuff'. I think if choosing the route home was important to my partner, and I thought it was "little stuff", it would be kind of fun to make them happy by letting them choose the route home. (That's just the first example that popped into my head.)

 

[Beemo3780]

My family is half very old country Catholic Sicilian, and half old wealthy English (which my mother really pissed off her family marrying a Sicilian). I grew up being told to learn my place as a woman, not really aspire to much except getting married and having a family to which I would have to care for. I had to go to etiquette school, and was taught how to act so I could find a husband. My grandfather went to an Ivy league school, and he would repeatedly tell me that a woman's place is at home. So my ideas of marriage when I was young were very warped. I still have an inner battle with it.

My first marriage was abusive and violent, and I had a really hard time getting out of it because of how I viewed marriage. I was only a woman after all and my husband was supposed to rule the household and make all the decisions. But my ex refused to work, was not involved with my daughter's care in any way, so I had to step up and be "the man" essentially in addition to being the woman. That really woke me up on a lot of things. I had expected that a husband was going to be someone that took care of everything, like I was told, but he did none of those things. I also thought marriage was supposed to be a permanent one time thing or I had failed as a woman. Add a little Catholic shame into the mix, getting away and divorced was not easy.

My marriage now is a 50/50 marriage. We split our finances down the middle. We equally pay bills. Decisions are made equally, and if we don't agree, we sit down and figure out a compromise. We talk about everything. We depend on each other, but we aren't completely reliant on the other. But there are times where my husband has called me out for thinking that my opinions don't matter because he's the man of the relationship. He'll tell me, "You're better and smarter than that". I got lucky the second time around.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I honestly don't think that it's about who gets more votes, or what the percentage is on either side. It's about 2 people coming together and discussing the issues and coming up with a plan that suits both. Compromise is key!!!!

 

[NewBeginnings]

Hmmmm.... I don't like the sounds of this.

One thing that had me hold onto grabbing more votes with...

Thanks. No he is not abusive but I think he needs to be in control. It used to not bother me but I think now that I am processing my life I get frustrated sometimes. I am more aware now. He is usually right about things but I feel the need to question anyway. Some days are more intense than others and I guess I was initially wondering if most people just defer to one partner or if it was more fluid around decisions. Given my past and being more aware I may be a bit hyper sensitive around the control piece.

Could you explain what you mean by that? I don't have much good personal experience to draw on, by my T...

I think it is the same idea 50/50 or 100/100.
The reference from my T was that we are both equal in the relationship and I guess that is what is a bit confusing for me. He makes lots of decisions based on he knows better which is does (and as I write this I see how bad it sounds. . .)

 

[scout86]

It used to not bother me but I think now that I am processing my life I get frustrated sometimes.

Once, when I was talking about my divorce, I commented to my T that I felt responsible because there were things I'd been willing overlook to start with and that had changed. I thought it was wrong that I'd 'changed the rules in the middle of the game.' He said that changing the rules now and then was not only ok, it was necessary.

I've thought about that, because it didn't make sense right off. I think he's right. People grow and change, even if they're in a relationship. The relationship has to be able to grow and change too. And the partners should want each other to be able to grow and change towards becoming their best selves.

 

[NewBeginnings]

I thought it was wrong that I'd 'changed the rules in the middle of the game.'

This goes deep... I know I have changed the rules and believe that it is not fair to him but maybe my perception needs to change.