Thank you. I just went back and read the cup explanation again. I can see how that explains a lot of my life. 25 years ago my wife was offered an opportunity to work in DC for a few years. She asked me if I minded her career being put in front of mine. I agreed to to that without a second thought. I was practicing law at the time and living in the San Francisco Bay Area. I was racing sailboats and riding mountain bikes. I also participated in a weekly group mediation and went to retreats regularly. My friends were all derived from these activities.
I don’t think I was prepared for leaving my entire social and support systems. I was totally isolated in the DC area. I made no friends. We have moved now ten times for my wife’s work. Each time is the same. A couple times I have made friends but with the next move those friends tended to fade away.
On the other hand my wife has become tremendously successful. She has a big life out there and I have become a burden between my frustration and my progressive neurological disorder. I can’t blame her for burning out and wondering if she really wants to continue the marriage. I have felt that she has had one foot part way out the door for the past few years and that has been extremely painful for me as I had no idea why I was the way I was.
Looking back I can see that I wasn’t prepared for that first move to DC. Mindlessly I had dropped all that actually made me functional. My frustration emerged during the time in DC and continued to the present. As time went on I needed alone time camping, etc. I just had to get away and settle down inside.
My wife and I were unable to talk about this. My neuro condition is a rare one and it presents itself like MS. I am still mobile but I have experienced some mild cognitive impairment in my executive functions. I have neuropsych evaluations every 2 or 3 years. Early on they ruled out PTSD but no one ever asked about my childhood. In the past couple months I have been diagnosed as having PTSD and then my wife decided we needed to live apart at least for a few months, maybe permanently.
Last night my wife and I were able to have a calm phone call. She wants these calls limited to 1 hour once a week. I have never been able to calmly talk about what was going on inside me. Every time I do it just makes things worse. My statements are considered accusations which was never my intent. I get so nervous I just start spitting out the words. Then the situation is much worse. It feels like I imagine Tourettes is like, no control what so ever. And then I have to look at the pain I have caused. Thus I force myself not to speak when triggered.
Last night our conversation went well. I didn’t make a mess of it. She listened and heard a lot. I did too. She did ask if next week’s call could be on Zoom which I think is a big step to maybe reuniting. However she also asked if we did make this permanent if we could be friends. I said yes but this morning, after a lot of thought, emailed her back that that might be too much for me as I have such longing to continue the marriage.
I have no idea what the future holds for me or us. I think finally knowing what the problem is is a big step. Being able to talk about it calmly is huge. I know I have years of work ahead of me and that it will always be there, ready to dominate my life if I don’t take care of myself. I really do think I have hit bottom with this so I am on the long road up out of this hole. That is huge too.
