Undiagnosed New here, not sure if i belong here or not

[Kyle-in-B.C]

I'm pretty sure I have PTSD but have not been diagnosed yet. I will be talking to my doctor soon about it, but I'm afraid he won't believe me. I'm 45 years old and pretty sure my PTSD is from my childhood. I will get into my childhood when/if I feel more comfortable on this forum.
Let's just say it was full of abuse and an alcoholic stepfather and a valium addicted Mother.
Up until two years ago I didn't think for a second I could have PTSD. I thought I was just some screwed up asshole with depression and a dusting of anxiety who couldn't make a right choice if my life depended on it. When I was in the hospital almost twenty years ago (suicide attempt) my nurse suggested I may have PTSD but my psychologist said no I didn't because I had never been to war.
Now that I think back on it he wasn't all that interested in my childhood. More interested in what was going on in my life at that point.
So here I am, 45 and in a relationship where I really have no say in anything, feeling lonely and to be honest kind of scared.
I really just want to know if I have PTSD or not, if I do, it will answer a lot of questions about my life and who I am. Maybe, hopefully, I can get diagnosed and some therapy and move on.
Writing this is a huge deal for me right now. Nobody in my life is interested in talking to me about this, not even my partner. Whenever I bring it up she shuts me down almost right away.
Usually it's "lot's of people have problems" and "you're not the only one who feels like this"
I just want somebody to listen to me.

 

[Emily L]

You are always welcome here, @Kyle-in-B.C . May I ask what are you dealing with symptom wise that makes you believe you have PTSD? You do not have to share your story if you aren't comfortable. I haven't even shared the full story of myself here yet. It's very possible you have PTSD if you had an abusive past. It sounds like you were never treated and never fully healed from your childhood. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. I usually am in the chat room Monday-Thursday. Feel free to come on over and talk. We are here for you :)

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Greetings, and welcome to the neighborhood. You found a great space filled with many caring folks who've experienced and suffer from a wide variety of traumatic experiences. Glad you chose to become a part of the community.

 

[ladee]

Welcome, you will be heard here !!! And understood... because we have been there, are there now, or will be there soon... lots of wonderful caring people here to support and validate your journey....

Hope you get the diagnosis and the help you need to start making sense of your life... glad you are here.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome to the Forum! I hope you find the help you need! You are worth the work needed to give you direction and treatment!

 

[Kaleidoscope]

I'm pretty sure I have PTSD but have not been diagnosed yet. I will be talking to my doctor soon a...

Hi Kyle, Welcome! I am very new to 'myPTSD' also. I can identify with what you are saying...without telling you the circumstances, I wondered if I had PTSD for many years. The counselor who was helping me with our situation told me the same thing, that I was not a soldier, etc. The symptoms that led me to wonder if I did have PTSD were very unsettling...
In spite of this (I was given a diagnosis of Situational Depression")in the counseling that I did have, I learned many excellent coping skills. My perspective is and was always 'spot on'...I worked extensively in the ICUs as a RN and saw much to keep my perspective about my own life intact...gratitude has always been easy for me).
But... I was still strongly affected, sometimes embarrassingly so when a 'reminder' would present itself.
In 2009, I finally went to an excellent therapist who did EMDR. I knew a little about EMDR and I thought a 'few sessions' to learn how to do it "so I could finally get a handle on things" that 'all of the sudden' felt too large.
After a couple meetings, he told me that I have PTSD...and I started to learn about how trauma affects the nervous system, why my thinking was clear but I would feel in danger, etc., etc. My 'only a few sessions' turned into much longer! In that time I lost both of my parents, a best friend, had to revisit and assist with a traumatic happening 30 years previous and received a cancer diagnosis. In other words, life kept happening...it always does. My counselor supported me through it all...
And, I learned how to reach out to others, people who can handle that life hurts at times... Some people cannot. I have key people in my life, who I love and enjoy very much, who just want to 'see me be happy'...and for them, I do my best.
To do this, I need people in my life to be real with. You can try to start in this forum. I am hoping it will be a safe place to start...both for you and for me.
I had my last session with my counselor on June 26th of this year. We both decided that I was ready to step out of the 'nest' and fly... :-)
What I felt when told that I had PTSD was sanity. All of the past years finally made sense to me and I felt HOPE.
Going through therapy for this was very difficult and beautiful at the same time.
Being validated is a gift. Coming to a point of genuine forgiveness is and was a gift. Learning to stay in the difficult moments was tortuous and a gift...
I wish I had had people to talk with who understood while I was going through the hard stuff. I was told to "just get over it! It's past!" ...all the things that I knew in my head. My therapist seemed to understand, for he told me that he and I had a parallel path in life.
He became my lighthouse...thinking, "if he can do this, so can I."
First I had to give him my trust...the very hardest part of counseling. Then came the words to him of happenings I had never told anyone.

If you believe that this is true for you, seek a counselor who has training in trauma counseling or is at the very least, open to exploring this with you.
Emily gave sound advise! Healing from childhood wounds and 'life-wounds' is very possible.
Many of mine are only 'bruises' now. :-) ...distant memories that I balance with the definite beauty that life holds!
Best wishes to you...
I am still not quite out of the waters yet, however, I know what to do when I start of feel unsettled. I've also built a network of friends who are great at going for a walk with me when I'm having a difficult day and they do not pump me for details or the whys...something's in my life will always stay private.
I think this is a lifetime journey that I am grateful to be on...

 

[Kyle-in-B.C]

You are always welcome here, @Kyle-in-B.C . May I ask what are you dealing with sym...

Hell, I don't even know where to start. I guess lately I've been reliving some of my abuse. The worse is when I wake up in the mornings. I think about things that happened to me as a child. It really messes with my day. It's almost like I'm there, it's not always the same memory, it can one or two of many memories I have. I've been very withdrawn the past year. I'm just not interested in anything anymore. To the point where I'm just not invited to do things, not even by my partner and daughter. They just left the house, didn't bother asking me if I wanted to come until they were walking out the door, it was like is was a passing thought, My partner asked if I was coming with, and I said no, she said, I'm not surprised. Symptoms are really hard for me to explain/admit. I feel like I'm not good enough, that's a feeling I've had for most of my life, mostly because growing up I was told I wasn't good enough, and now, 15 years into my relationship I'm being told I'm not good enough. They're right, I'm not good enough, but why? Why am I not good enough? Why am I like this? Why have I always found it hard to succeed at anything. Why don't I want to go anywhere? Or do anything? Why do I feel useless, sad, angry, numb towards other people. Why the hell am I on some website talking about whether or not I have PTSD. Why was I not given a chance in life? Why me? What did I do?
There are many more symptoms. Trying to put them down in writing is tough because I can't concentrate long enough to do it.
That said, some of the symptoms I've noticed looking back are
lack of concetration
mood swings
anger
feeling like I'm worthless.
shitty memories that just won't go away (nobody in my life wants to hear about them)
probably more I just can't think of right now.
I hope that helps.

 

[Emily L]

Hell, I don't even know where to start. I guess lately I've been reliving some of my abuse. The w...

@Kyle-in-B.C I would definitely get to speaking with a doctor sometime about what you're going through. If they are a good doctor, they will assist in getting you the help you truly need. :)

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Hi @Kyle-in-B.C ,
Welcome to the forum! Glad you joined us. We're ready to hear your memories. When you feel ready to share them there's a Trauma Diary section.

My PTSD symptoms are: flashbacks, hypervigilance, exaggerated startle response, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, difficulty concentrating, lack of motivation, avoidance of triggering people and places and objects, panic, anxiety, dissociation, suicidal ideation, anger and rage at times, depersonalization, and derealization. Plus I used to have DID. And I have depression.

I can relate to not wanting to go anywhere. When I saw my therapist yesterday for the first time, I had not been out of my house to see a T in almost two years. During that time I stopped going anywhere except to see one doctor who manages my hypothyroidism. I'm not certain why either. I'm sure I'll find out as I go to therapy. Most likely it has something to do with death because that's one of my triggers.

Two of my other biggest problems right now are lack of concentration and motivation. These aren't fun to have when trying to edit a novel. I'm not getting anywhere right now. It sucks.

You might be able to relate some the things on the following website: Link Removed. If you scroll down the page you'll find this heading:
"C-PTSD - What it Feels Like:
People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel un-centered and shaky, as if they are likely to have an embarrassing emotional breakdown or burst into tears at any moment. They may feel unloved - or that nothing they can accomplish is ever going to be "good enough" for others."

More descriptions and characteristics follow.

I forgot about that website until after my therapist appointment yesterday. I reread everything again. Very informative.

Again, welcome to the forum.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I don't really know what to say @Kyle-in-B.C except that you wanted to be heard and know that you aren't the only one who feels this way.

Well, we are listening and believe you, and yes, there are many others who feel this way.

I came to the forum just over a year ago and immediately realized I had found a place where I could and can be myself. I met others who spoke my language. I feel understood and validated.

I hope that will be your experience as well. Weloomed to the forum.

 

[Justmehere]

No one here is able to diagnose if you have PTSD or not. Trauma can play a role in a number of mental health conditions. That being said, it is clear you have been through some terrible trauma and you are suffering now. It is a reasonable hypothesis that you may have PTSD.

What's holding you back from seeing a therapist to sort this all out?