Sharing details?

[hymnless]

I ended up sharing some really painful details of my abuse with my wife about a month ago, after she had been asking some questions for quite a while. Last week I found out that she had told those things to her sister and a close friend of ours. I feel completely betrayed. She was the only one I had told other than my therapist- and I've only just begun to talk to my therapist about it. I'm so mad at her and the worst part is that I now feel completely alone.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I am so sorry that she betrayed your trust. This happens in marriage and is really hard to repair, but you can, over time. My husband did a similar thing by telling friends of ours that I am in therapy. I didn't want anyone to know and he knew that and told them anyways. He said it was an organic comment :bored:, whatever the hell that meant. I know you now feel alone because you feel like you can't tell her anything else. I think that you will need to tell her how hurt and betrayed you feel. You aren't alone. You still have your T and people on here to help you through everything.

 

[hymnless]

I am so sorry that she betrayed your trust. This happens in marriage and is really hard to repair, but...

Thanks @TexCat. I'm sorry to hear that about your husband. I've told her how I feel and she does not feel as though she's done anything wrong. I'm at a loss of how better to explain it to her and now I just feel frustrated and isolated. I feel like I can't trust anyone right now.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Sounds

Thanks @TexCat. I'm sorry to hear that about your husband. I've told her how I fee...

Sounds like the same answer I got. Maybe find a sample to turn it around so she can see how she would feel. How would you feel if I told my friend that you are obsessed with licking my toes? Or that time in college when you... I don't know. Some people are open books and don't get it.

 

[Nessa7]

I'm sorry that you wife doesn't understand why you're upset. I'm lucky because my supporters opened the conversation about what information I was okay with people knowing and what I wanted to be kept private, but it's still a conversation that we've had to have quite frequently.

How is your wife normally about keeping information private?

 

[hymnless]

She has to process things aloud. Which is not how I am but I understand that we handle things differently. When I told her it was ok to tell these people about the abuse initially, I never imagined that she would give them these graphic details.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

She has to process things aloud. Which is not how I am but I understand that we handle things differe...

I didn't realize that you told her it was okay to tell stuff initially. I think what you are mostly feeling is vulnerability, not betrayal. In the future be very specific at what is allowed to be told. I too process things out loud and understand her need for sounding boards, even in the tiniest of details. If I know something is sacred, I will not say it. Everything else could be questionable with a perceived green light.

 

[hymnless]

I didn't realize that you told her it was okay to tell stuff initially. I think what you are mostly fee...

When I say that I told her it was ok, I mean that she had already told them and then asked me after. So that wound was already open. I didn't have much of a choice other than for it to be ok. That was about 10 months ago now and all of this is new. So while I agree that it's vulnerability, there's also an element of hurt or betrayal in there as well.

 

[scout86]

As out of line and dysfunctional as it might be, I'd be going with not ever telling her anything you didn't want to have appear in the local paper. But I'd also tell her that. This is one of those areas where I'd have a real hard time getting past it, unless I got a really convincing apology, that included something to indicate she got what the problem was, along with a promise never to do that again. And, I'll admit I might be wrong, it would just bother me that much. So, at least you're not alone in feeling the way you do.

 

[EveHarrington]

WTF?!?

Why would anyone think it's ok to go and tell someone else our graphic abuse details?!?

I agree with Scout. If she can't even begin to see where she went wrong, she can't be trusted, period. It's like her discretion filter is broken so you must adjust.

 

[Cannottakethis]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. My sister did something similar by telling her husband and in laws everything that happened to me and all of my disorders without asking me if it was ok. I was furious and hurt. I told her it was my story to tell and she should not be sharing it without my explicit permission.
I've since gone no contact with her which you can't do with your wife. Perhaps talking to her about what it would be like to have intimate details of her life shared with others would help her to understand how you feel. If she needs to process your trauma, she should talk to a therapist or to you if possible.

 

[hymnless]

Thanks guys. Yeah she sees a therapist and we also see someone for couples, so I'm just really confused by the entire situation. I keep perpetually losing my shit on her and it's totally counterproductive. I've told her that I regret ever having told her anything, which she said really hurt her. But at the same time it's sort of difficult for me to care, however selfish that might be. I'm in total panic mode and I keep trying to quit therapy since my T is the only person who knows, who I can control ever having to see again. Reaaalllyyy great decision making, I know.