Should i leave my family after 17 year marriage from my ptsd?

[Artemus]

Me: Older male. College educated professional. My PTSD is non military, and is likely cPTSD from what I read. I've been married 17 years and have 2 teen daughters in the home. I refuse to take any more drugs than I'm already taking. I seldom drink, mainly because I'm scared to with this demon in me. Tried therapy with the VA and a traditional therapist. Waste of time, particularly VA. I've been taking Klonopin for 7 years now (5mg/3x day). Used to take Zoloft, but VA ended that and current shrink won't start up SSRIs again. Shrink doesn't understand PTSD as best I can tell. His latest idea was to put me on some "brand new" bi-polar schizo med. I threw it in the trash when I got home from pharmacy. Drug costs $2800/30 pills and requires pre-authorization to take. (This 1x was a freebee with a coupon). Told pharmacist later that my first name isn't Guinea and my last name isn't Pig. He laughed and said he would probably have done the same thing. PTSD isn't on the list of uses for that new drug. Doc is grabbing at straws.

I tell these psyc people my intellect is fine, it's my emotions I can't control. I've talked about it, read about it, written about it, taken drugs for it, and still I suffer. Worse yet, I hurt the people I love with my triggers (anger, biting sarcasm, insults, and other verbal abuse, nothing physical--although I consider an adult screaming at a child one of the worst things on God's earth and equivalent to physical if not worse.) I have a lot of shame about my behaviors. I used to be normal, a loving husband, good provider, and decent loving father. Did things with my family then. Not anymore. I don't know what to do but isolate and that doesn't help. Still, I live pretty much alone in the house. No intimacy, and little conversation that doesn't have to happen is the daily norm. It's a "stay away from him" for them and a "stay away from them" for me. They think it's because I don't care, but it's because I do care. I don't want the "Big Green Guy" to come out and rip them a new one over nothing, and I can't trust it won't happen.

I'm past the suicide thing. Thought about that the first few years when we lost everything we owned after I quit my six-figure job in a fit of anger, couldn't get another job, and only the insurance was there to keep the family from homelessness for a while, but not now. Things have gotten better. I've overcome the financial hardships enough to get those thoughts out of my mind. I love my family, but there is no talking to them anymore. I think they love me, but they're afraid of my outbursts (Jeckel/Hyde). I've burnt every employment bridge I've built in the past 7 years, which doesn't help my state of mind, or the bank account. I'm in my gray hair years, so getting a job is tough under the best of circumstances despite being highly qualified with 3 degrees and decades of experience. Wife tells me that I do better when I'm working and bringing home money--feeling a part of society again and not such an outcast.

I'm feeling lost and no one to turn to that I think will understand--or that isn't going to put $5k in their pocket giving me useless advice or more friggin pills. I dislike people playing with my brain with pharma. Trying TM (Trans Meditation) now. I'm not sure if that's helping or just muck raking up old memories I've suppressed.

I'm whining, sorry. I guess if I'm going to pour my heart out in a blog, what I'd like from members are ideas. I'm fresh out. I'm somewhat cash limited, we live in a small town. Nearest metro area is 3 hours from here, and that's where I'd find a trauma specialist as best as I've been able to ascertain. No support groups local for any of us. I'm reading a couple of new books, but they have to be read in short sessions not to trigger. Sleep? Well, 3-4 hrs a night unless I take 3 Klonopin and 3 Unisom before bed, then I still wake up from the nightmares every 2-3 hrs. (I think the drugs are causing this issue, but unsure.)

Thoughts, ideas, from others who have worked this solution out for themselves and stayed with their family are solicited.

NOTE: Please, if you haven't found a solution for yourself--even half a solution--then pass me by without comment. I know I'm not alone in this, but reading more depressing stories like mine won't fix what I need to fix. Either I discover a way to put the "Big Green Guy" in my past, or I go find a place in the jungle to hide (metaphorically). That's the best I have at this moment.

God Bless and the best to all of you survivors out there.

 

[Sideways]

it's my emotions I can't control

Have you tried DBT or ACT? They are both really about building skills to manage emotions rather than talk-therapy, and neither would involve medication, and would potentially be available through a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist (who is more likely to focus on medication).

I personally don't think leaving your family, who are a support network, is necessarily going to work out great for you or them. There are definitely therapeutic approaches that help manage emotions that explode out everywhere, and learning to regulate them would potentially not just bring back your confidence, but also be an incredibly healing process for your relationship with your family.

Have you read about the Stress Cup? Because there's some excellent info on this site about where that explosion of emtotion is coming from, and I personally found that beginning to understand why it happens, for someone with ptsd, gave me the hope I needed that propelled me into techniques to manage it.

 

[BustersBuddy]

I hear you aren't crazy about meds. That said, prazosin is a cheap generic that many (including myself) find aids with sleep and particularly PTSD nightmares. Best of luck.

 

[Fadeaway]

There are no medications for PTSD, but that is what psychiatrists do, they prescribe med.

You are in the right spot for help. Read, read, and read some more. The thing is when you first start addressing your PTSD whether it is read and talking about it here, trauma therapy or other types of therapies, your symptoms will increase at first. People use the ripping off a band aid analogy, but I think it is more like lancing a boil. It's gross and messy but heals quicker. So I would stay with the TM.

Since you can't get to a trauma therapist right now, You can look up EFT (emotional freedom technique) on you tube.

For the most part I have my symptoms under control right now and I am in a way better place than I was 6-12 months ago. I have had amazing success with Reiki. I was very skeptical about it at first, but it worked for me, and now I am a certified practitioner.

 

[Artemus]

Ragdoll Circus, BustersBuddy, & Fadaway, Thank you! I've not researched any of those things, but I have heard those acronyms tossed about. I'll check it out right away.

Let me be clear. Leaving my family is heartbreaking to even consider. It would be an act of love to no longer expose them to my ranting. It damages all of us and has for 7 years now. My wife is a cancer survivor for 2 years now (& I suspect has her own PTSD to deal with from what happened to us 7 years ago, but won't admit to it.). So, again, thank you very much. I'll look into all of your recommendations.

I hear you aren't crazy about meds. That said, prazosin is a cheap generic that many (including m...

Thank you. I posted a reply as a add to the thread. Hope that works as well as individual replies. Thought you might get an email this way, so I'm using it too.

 

[Fadeaway]

No need to do do that, just put an @ in front of the person name and it will tag and alert them like this @Artemus

 

[DharmaGirl]

During the worst of times, I used a DBT workbook and went to therapy. That, and being here on this forum helped heal me. I don't have anger issues, I had suicidal issues, but it was destroying my teenage son. I worked hard at journaling, meditation, and the workbook, reading what my therapist suggested and coming here. I am much better, my son and I are able to communicate about the rough years and how it affected him, and even though I can't work because of both PTSD and back problems, I live a good, productive life.

 

[shimmerz]

Medical Marijuana (CBD) has changed my life. I highly recommend it as a 'chill out' aid.

PS. Have you asked your wife if you would be doing her any favours by leaving her and the kids? I know I tend to think for others when I get symptomatic. Nooooo boooooody could love me.

Oh, and I wouldn't budge until you give MM a chance. I was on 9/day clonazepam/ativan for 10 years. Not helpful. Now that I am taking the MM I have job prospects, I am not melting down nearly as much as I was, and my symptoms are way less dramatic.

 

[Artemus]

During the worst of times, I used a DBT workbook and went to therapy. That, and being here on this f...

Thank you @DharmaGirl. I'm still hanging in there. TM is helping a lot for me.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I was treated as what felt like being a medication guinea pig, too, for quite a while. I had therapists/psychiatrists totally ignore the info I shared regarding childhood and teen sexual and physical abuse along with multiple domestic abuse scenarios where I almost lost my life, and the suicide of a close family member and never discuss ptsd, only the diagnoses they could match up with a medicine of some sort, it seemed.

They (the psychiatrists, various specialists, and my general practitioner) prescribed anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-nausea, anti-inflammatory, pain meds, sleeping meds, etc., etc. and would then have to add a few more things to counteract the side effects from all those things...and my health continued to rapidly decline.

I ended up having to resign from a high-stress f/t position of over 13 years, totally and drastically change my consumption habits both inside and out (I eliminated all animal flesh and by-products, gluten, caffeine, alcohol, and as much artificially created crap as humanly possible after an ER visit of facing organ removal, as I would have had to make drastic changes anyway, I simply chose the non-knife preventative variety), unlearned much of what I thought I already knew, re-learned how to breathe, how to talk to myself and others (Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman helped a great deal in those efforts), how to release emotions, etc. via finding lots of "out there" methods and practitioners that greatly help(ed) me.

If it weren't for the healers who are willing to barter in our local community, I'd likely never have had the chance to try some of the things I've found most helpful...like acupuncture to help balance the inner energies, chiropractic adjustments to keep things better in line, iridology reading to help me narrow down specifics, sound healing with Tibetan singing bowls and gongs that help raise my vibrations, energy healing with Reiki methods that help me unblock some stuck stuff, massage therapy to keep my fascia and lymph fluids on the go and in the flow, etc.

It takes a village to keep me somewhat sane and healthy and each step has been incredibly challenging for me and my family, but luckily I haven't had to leave in order to make it happen. I only managed to find true relief after years of desperately seeking "help" in all the places my insurance approved and I'd been made to believe were the only sensible places to seek. Funny how genuine relief can show up in some of the damnedest places once you feel there's no options left. May you be further led to your most helpful village. Best wishes to you and your family.

Here's the gateway breathing technique that helped me eventually get my anxiety under control and no longer need to take xanax...our breath...it's free and accessible 24/7:
Rhythmic Stress Relief: Stopwatch Tap Technique with Jim Donovan

 

[Artemus]

Thank you @Tornadic Thoughts. I re-started TM a few months ago and that has helped a lot. I fully agree with your approach. I've tried many alternative techniques (pre-PTSD) for various reasons and all have validity. AMA, Pharma, and insurance controls much of our world and access to information unfortunately. But, as you show, persistence wins over propaganda, and free will is alive and well. In the Midwest, such isn't available like it was on both coasts. In 7 years here I have yet to find one person I can have an intelligent conversation with. Not because they're are stupid, they aren't, but because they are ignorant of the larger world and a wealth of ideas common to other folk that they've never experienced. I find them to be smart people who are geographically rooted in their attitudes. "If you don't watch Iowa football, or root for the Cubs, you must be mental--or a Communist." And they are quite serious. My wife is Midwest and that's why we moved here hoping for a new start in her home state. Not the best idea for me, a person who has experienced many cultures and many ideas not Southern Baptist or Catholic in their origin, and having spent my 45 years living on one coast or the other and traveled to multiple countries. As someone who is centered in having experienced many useful ways to look at the world, and no longer shares the us/them mentality of life, the Midwest isn't a place I'd choose to live again. However, that said, oddly TM has found roots in Iowa. Totally baffles me still. Like a rose in the desert.

I struggle with choices. I'll be 67 in a couple of months, not the best time in life to live alone to be sure. My wife loves me dearly in her own (quite unconsciously) selfish way as do my 16 and 13 year old daughters. Their way, however, is one-way. It's the way of "what can you do for me today". It's the way of putting my PTSD under a rock and pretending it doesn't exist. Understand for teens, but it would be nice if my wife were interested in being actively helpful instead of viewing me as her rock and with little reciprocation. She recently freaked out over the idea of hosting Christmas dinner for her siblings. She told my oldest, "I've never cooked a full meal without your Dad's help. I wouldn't know where to start." (My unstated thought was "Start where everyone else does, with a cookbook you buy online."

My solution has been to spend 9 of the last 12 months living in hotels hours from home as a temp contract worker. Puts money in the bank, the main concern for the 3 of them, but is hard when a heater or A/C unit kicking on will wake me during the night and sleep in a few 2-3 hour periods creates ungodly fatigue. *sigh* I whine again. But, sometimes it's good to whine as long as one doesn't turn it into a lifestyle. And, I don't. Like you I persist. Not happily, but faithfully, I persist.

Thank you for your post. I found it very helpful.

 

[Artemus]

I had the mother of all relapses last night. Raging inside. Verbally abusive to family till I finally refused to talk. Kicking things around. Took 4 Klonapin, 1200mg valarium, melatonin, and more to knock myself out. It was useless. Wanted to walk it off, but afraid to late at night after taking so many pills. Couldn't talk. Isolated in the basement and started hearing voices. (laying in floor curled up in blankets begging for it to end) I kept jumping up to see who was in the basement. No one was there. Every little house sound a loud noise that startled me. Went back upstairs. Family upstairs acting like I wasn't there. Daughter filling out an app for a job a midnight. Wife, drunk of course, trying to talk to her. Other child in bed playing on her iPad. I was having a war inside and no one seemed to care. Of course, I was part of the cause, wasn't I. Acting like a raging ass when no one could figure out why and I couldn't talk in a civil voice to speak.Went back to basement, but couldn't tolerate the feelings there.

Still raging today, but not acting out, other than isolating. I took 3 more Klonapin. When I woke up after 4 hours sleep, all my muscles were sore like a strenuous workout, but I didn't work out. Headache. Depression. Beginnings of shame. Thinking I had better just pack up and leave, but I can't for a week. I'm scared to go near my family. I'm afraid I'll trigger off again and say mean caustic things. So, they seem happy enough that I stay away. No one suffering here but me it seems. Well, it has been 7 years now with this thing, so they've adapted I suppose.

I was doing so good. It ambushed me because I wasn't expecting to be triggered like that. It hasn't happened that bad in years and it was freak'n instantaneous. A trigger was there, but no where near the over reaction. I was beginning to have hope, now...I don't know. I'm thinking that leaving the family for all our sake is the best thing I can do. I can't expect the kids to understand and the wife is in denial like it is a lifestyle. Won't read a book on PTSD, won't talk to anyone, just acts like I'm a mental ass she's got to cope with from time to time...a typical man with a really, really bad temper at times. No help. No friends. Working away from home and living in hotels was making the homecomings every month or so special for a couple of days. Gave the illusion that things were getting better I suppose. Fooled me. I'm 67. Too old to start over, too young to die.

Sorry for the diatribe. I just want to cry my heart out, but can't. I am soooo sick of this malady I want it to be out of my life more than anything I can think of. It's the self-delusion that things are getting better followed by ambushes of rage, flashbacks, and chronic sleeplessness that nail me the worst. Life is not this bad. It makes no sense!