Scary accusations

[anonymous]

My partner and I have had problems in the past, but overtime we worked on stuff and we had a decent period of time where things have been good.

I decided I no longer wanted to be responsible for him waking up in the morning. I took over the responsibility during a time I was afraid he was going to lose his job due to him shutting off the alarm clock and falling back asleep. Since his perfect attendance record at his current job seems to be so important to him I was ready to wipe my hands of alarm clock duty.

Morning one, he does just as before, he turned it off and then woke up an hour later in a panic yelling a time to call his job while he gets ready.
Morning two, he decides he wasn't going to do an errand before work like planned so he said he was going back to sleep. I told him to change the alarm clock. He told me he would keep an eye on the clock for the next hour and a half. I told him I was not going to be responsible so he needed to set it. He mashed a bunch of the buttons and told me he wasn't going to take orders that he would wake up in time. I feel back asleep.and so did he.

I woke up realized he had a half our to get to work, which is an hour long drive, I nudged him to get up. He flipped out on me accusing me of wanting him to lose his job. he said, "You know I had an interview for a promotions today, that is why you did this, you just wanted me to loose it." I started crying and saying no, devastated because this was the old him. I was still in bed and he went to the bathroom started saying I hit him on the head and he was seeing stars. I was confused at this point so I got out of bed to see what he was talking about and he started shouting. "help help, she is attacking me, she hit me on the head." Of course I start pleading with him horrified, "no I didn't, when did this supposedly happen, I know in my heart I did do this." He made a big show of it and how he has a date with a car crash because his vision is blurry because I hit him. So I got scared and took his keys because he started talking about him and other people dying. So he went out side loudly screaming, "call 911 she hit me." He kept make a big scene out side humiliating me and embarrassing me, not to mention the intense pain of his accusations. So, I gave him his keys back.

At this point I was trying to get him to admit that I didn't hit him, I am trying to get to the bottom of the whole thing and asked him did something fall and hit you? I noticed the over the door rack where he hangs his clothes was lying on the ground I thought maybe since he is seemingly so convinced I hit him. I am short he is very tall, he said it was the top of his head and that just isn't reasonable for me to be able to hit him on the top of the head. I am now convinced it was the rack that fell, and he starts faking a seizure. As fake as fake could be. More like flopping around like a fish out of water.

He finally left for work and i have gone from hurt and scared to furious. Was this all just gas lighting and a passive aggressive ploy to get out of being responsible for the alarm?

When I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do, he does it wrong on purpose. He claims to be doing well and is one of the top employees at work, so how can that be if his struggles so hard to remember basic things like our address, and can not load a dish or clothes washer so you can shut the door. He will put 3 loads of cloths in one washer so that the lid won't even shut, and turn it around on me and say that I just want to waste money and that I am looking hard to find something to complain about. I know he does it in hopes I won't ask him to do the laundry again. .

I need a workable solutions since leaving him isn't an option.

 

[shimmerz]

You had better be very very careful. Women end up with a criminal record because of the shit this guy is doing to you. He made it pretty obvious to you what he will do in order for him to get his own way about an alarm clock. Can't imagine what his thoughts would be if you didn't do something he deemed as serious.

I think they call this type of behaviour 'throwing under the bus'. And it rarely gets better.

 

[Friday]

Any chance he's on the spectrum? Sounds very much like an aspie meltdown.

***

ETA... Just because I think it's really likely from what you described: If so, AND you both want him to adjust to waking himself up... you'll probably need to sleep in a different room for a few weeks while he sorts out the massive life change, crushing emotions, & blow outs. Aspies reeeeally don't transition well, as a rule. Add 2 transitions at the same time? (Sleep to wake, and how one wakes / what's the stimulus). It's going to be uncontrollable tantrums for a little while. That make as much "sense" as PTSD panic attacks. Aka it makes total sense to him, in his head, at the time... And only after the meltdown has passed & he's cooled off, will reason return.

Ditto, if he IS on the spectrum, after this tantrum, in no uncertain terms wake him up for at least a few days, if not a few weeks. Why? Because they're a lot like toddlers (the tantrums, not the people). If a tantrum "works" in any way, they start showing up a lot more often. It's not a conscious thing, it's very much like the lines of reasoning IN a panic attack. It's not that someone is faking being suicidal, if suicide has gotten them attention in the past, and they really want attention, now. They're actually going to be suicidal. Or if they've been hurt for having a panic attack on the past, the assumption IN the panic attack is that the person in front of them is going to hurt them. The places the mind goes to, and the logic it employs, whether in fight/flight or meltdown, are pretty damn instinctual ... Which means they grab at things the way a toddlers mind does. Finds patterns that they would never use consciously, and reason rebels at. No one WANTS to be suicidal, or afraid of their -harmless- partner in a panic. No one WANTS to have a meltdown under stress. Both take a lot of work on the part of the person having them to circumvent & get themselves under control. So the refusing to wake them up / refusing to reward the tantrum? Helps them with that. Same token, though, punishing the tantrum doesn't help, either. It's one of those FIRM BOUNDARIES NEEDED things, that's incredibly difficult & exhausting to employ. Especially when they've lost control so badly they're fishing out / flailing / the pseudo-seizure thing. Which isn't a fake seizure, if HFA, it's that their emotions have gotten so big they've lost conscious control of their bodies and kind of throw themselves to the floor, against walls, backs arching, head banging, hitting, kicking, etc. Again, very much like toddlers. Self control went bye-bye.

If he's not on the spectrum, then it just sounds like he's being an asshole. If he is, though, I'd really recommend connecting with parents and partners of HFA. Like PTSD, it's a totally different rule book of "normal".

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Was this all just gas lighting and a passive aggressive ploy to get out of being responsible for the alarm?

After reading what @Friday said I am not so sure as I was at first. This could turn very dangerous for you so I think you sleeping in another room is a good compromise. Just take very good care of you and maybe do wake him up until he calms down and try again later on down the road. This is not fair to you at all and I am frankly scared of what he is doing to you. Being set up with false accusations like that is really bad for you. Try to keep a written record of each day and how he responds/ reacts and look for patterns okay. Be very extra careful safe.:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: