Partner refuses to get help. looking for insight

[Ihon]

Just have a question about those who have CPTSD and refuse help.

Any sufferers out there have any insight into why they would refuse help?

My bf has CPTSD from an abusive childhood. He has told me before that he has never been able to experience true intimacy. He said with me he has, but he pulls away and pushes me away as soon as i try to get closer or to move the relationship forward.

He has never admitted what is going on within. Half the time I have no idea. He went to councilling appointment with me at the beginning of our relationship, and we never went back. Now It is at a crucial point, and he refuses to go.

I have taken a lot of the responsibility for everything over the past few years. He says my anxiety is too much and he has to protect himself from it. Now that I know what is really going on, I have gotten a handle on my anxiety, yet he still refuses to acknowledge what is going on within him.

Does he feel weak? Angry? Is he scared it will bring up too much and damage him? Take over his life? I feel he is sticking his head in a sandbox. These things he shoved down will keep coming back up.

It has taken over our relationship and he won't even admit there is something going on. He deflects and blames me.

I'm just wondering if there is any insight into why he would chose to live in denial and carry on the way he has. We have a beautiful connection, and he knows I'm here for him. I won't judge him or turn away. But Also, I don't feel like I can hang on if the choice is to continue the same. I feel stuck....i don't want to let go of a life together. But he won't seek help.

Thanks for any comments anybody may have.

 

[Igir]

Push and pull is very normal with PTSD. No one can tell you why he does what he does or how he feels but him but if someone is not willing to work on their issues and is content in denial, I may want to reassess by relationship and my own needs. No one can tell you why he does what he does or how he feels but him.

 

[Efihu]

Oops, I was copying and pasting & forgot to erase. I didn't mean to say that line twice.

 

[Bozida]

Cuz we are scared!!!!!

I don't think that others understand just how hard it is to seek help. I've been in this game for awhile now and I still can NOT ask for help! I have found a way to seek help without actually asking which is a miracle in and of itself. I can only imagine how much worse it is for someone who can't seek it as well.

 

[Fatu]

I lost my life when I started to deal with PTSD. My life, my business, my pets, my home, my marriage, my car, my belongings....

I gave it all up. To heal. More than a decade later, I still have nothing but insight into the terrors that were bestowed upon me as a child and some coping tools.

This healing stuff is not for the faint hearted.

 

[Ihon]

Cuz we are scared!!!!!

I don't think that others understand just how hard it is to seek help. I've been in this game f...

Thanks for the reply.
I have a feeling deep down my S is terrified. I just have a hard time going from totally in love, to living together, to now living apart and trying to make it work, but him being very hesitant and pushing me away. It's been rough. I feel I want to be here for him but he won't let me.

What else can I do....i feel like I have done everything that I possibly can, before I myself slip into a darkness in which I can't climb out of. I know you guys probably hear this a lot.....but I feel it's not fair.

 

[Ihon]

I lost my life when I started to deal with PTSD. My life, my business, my pets, my home, my marriage, my car, my belongi...

I am so sorry to hear that your journey has taken you to depths of darkness. I am happy to hear you are trying though....i can't even imagine what you go through. I can only say it's a very brave choice! You didn't ask for this, but yet you have to fight it everyday. Sending love

 

[Ake]

.i feel like I have done everything that I possibly can,

There's really only do much you can do. If you don't want things to go on, this might be the time you give him an ultimatum (as nicely add possible). He can get some help, you can do couples work of some sort, or you're going to have to look out for yourself and move on. It might not hurt to write out, for yourself, exactly what you see the problems as being first. Watch how you word it. Words matter. Be honest, but be willing to own the "I have a hard time handling X,Y,Z." parts. He honestly mighty not be ready to "move the relationship to see new level" just yet. Would you be ok with that?

 

[Faja]

If his intimacy issues aren't a problem for him, but they're a problem for you, I'm not sure why he's tthe one who needs to 'get help'???

 

[Erap]

Nope, it's not fair!

Trauma destroys us (or tries to) and our loved ones suffer, too.

 

[Ihon]

There's really only do much you can do. If you don't want things to go on, this might be the time you give him an ultimatu...

Hi Ake,
No, I wouldn't mind if the relationship couldn't go any further right now. I'm not in a rush, I woudknt mind taking my time with him.

It's just the lack of communication, the lack if being able to even admit to himself whats took on inside. This isn't just about the relationship. I want him to be happy as well. And he has expressed to me in the past how he wants this more than anything, to be intimate. I see his struggles. I may not understand them fully. But Yes, as a Partner, of course you want some connection and intimacy. Your feelings, needs and emotional and mental wellbeing means something to right? It's hard, I want to support him but feel he has to meet me somewhere in order to do that. Like you said, only so much we can do.

 

[Ihon]

If his intimacy issues aren't a problem for him, but they're a problem for you, I'm not sure why he's tthe one who needs...

Hi Faja,
He has expressed to me many many times how he wants to experience true intimacy. We came into this relationship, wifh the agreement that we both wanted the same things (commitment, marriage, kids, all of the eventually). He has told me how he wants to be close, but has a very hard time.

I do not wish to change him. I love him, hence why I'm on this board. But I do feel confused and saddened that he chooses to hold to to his pain. There is a great opportunity for us, as a couple, to heal. I wouldn't leave him. I wouldn't abandon him. But, as I said in the comment above, my feelings, needs and wants matter too. If he's not willing to at least go and talk to someone (alone or together, I currently see a therapist for myself) then how will anything get better for us? I see his fear and frustration. As a Partner, watching that, and not being able to do anything, feels helpless.

He is a wonderful, warm, and loving man. I feel this illness has ripped away a chance for us for a future. It's heartbreaking.