I don't want to go on

[Deleted member 37868]

Like the title says, I don't want to go on, I'm 26 so yes I know I'm young but I've been in this hell for ten years and before that I had an eating disorder for 5 years, I don't feel young I feel old and worn out, I've tried therapy and medication, and nothing really changes, I make life changes but I never feel better, I have fibromyalgia now as well combined with depression and anxiety and unresolved issues from my trauma. I signed up for classes and dropped them today, I can't finish my degree in this place, I try, I try my hardest but when I say I can't it's because I can't. Both my pets died, one yesterday the other in July, I don't want to get out of bed, anymore I tried months of excersize and getting fit, I am but I still want to die. No one is taking me seriously, I'm not going to do it immediately but if no solution becomes available In the future then I have no reason to live. Im a useless 26 year old with unfinished degrees and not much else, I can't work, I have no money but mostly I have no more will to live. It's gone my hopes and dreams seem so stupid to me now, like I was ever even going to achieve any of them, not to mention they're useless I dreamed of becoming a published poet and writer, I'm not even that good as if that was ever going to happen. My family is annoyed with me and embarrassed my friends make fun of me, i like barely even have friends maybe 2, but honestly it feels like I have none. I can't write or draw or paint at the moment, everything is just dead inside.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi Tracy, I know these feelings all too well :hug: Can I ask you what you need in this moment?

 

[Deleted member 37868]

I don't know, I've had depression for eons and I'm usually pretty good at distraction, nothing is really working, I don't know why I posted but I think I was looking for advice, I'm not at this moment suicidal, it's just a very dark place, maybe just to get a response I really don't know... but thank you for responding

 

[EveHarrington]

It's good you posted! I just wanted to make sure you could get your needs met. Do you have any professional support like a therapist or psychiatrist? Is getting another pet an option? I think it may really help you! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 37868]

It's good you posted! I just wanted to make sure you could get your needs met. Do you have any pr...

I've been waiting years to see a therapist im still waiting, I don't think another pet is an option financially, I'm already a financial burden. Idk maybe I'll get in to see a therapist but at this rate who knows.

 

[EveHarrington]

:( I know the Canadian system is different. I'm sorry you've had to wait so long to get help. Would it be an option to volunteer at an animal shelter? You could get pet support that way.

 

[ladee]

I was where you are this morning.... and, like you, have had depression my entire life... I usually can put the mask on and pretend.... for a few days now, I have been overwhelmed and not sure why or what to do... apparently nothing, in my case, it just lifted on it's own as I ran errands, ect.... and it was the very hopeless feelings this morning... very real, but the distraction worked... and believe me.. I did NOT want to leave this house today..
I have been on this healing journey for a very long time... and I have come to understand, it does pass.... not saying you don't need help getting out of this place you are in... you know you do....and you are still trudging along... And I certainly understand you do not want the rest of your life to be like this.... but I am sharing with you that a lot of my life has been this way, but the good times were so worth waiting for.... the breaks, with the laughter and friends, or holding a newborn grandchild.... I will be depressed till the day I die... but I have learned to accept that I am going to have really bad days... but nothing like it used to be...

I am not trying to discourage you, just being honest... and I do hope you find the right therapist and get on the right meds... doesn't mean meds don't work, it means it probably wasn't the right ones..... I so totally understand that feeling about thinking our lives have no meaning, we can't seem to finish what we start ... but it does change... we do finish things.... so am just asking you to hang on awhile longer until you start therapy again, and get on the right meds.... I do understand how you are feeling... I wish neither of us knew this kind of hopelessness.... but since I have walked ahead of you, I will tell you it changes.... sending gentle hugs of support and understanding...

 

[Deleted member 37868]

:( I know the Canadian system is different. I'm sorry you've had to wait so long to get help. Wou...

I'm registering at a wildlife haven ethically I wouldn't work at most shelters idk maybe I can find a no kill shelter it's definitely an idea I'm just worried about being unreliable.

 

[Deleted member 37868]

I was where you are this morning.... and, like you, have had depression my entire life... I usually can p...

I'm in a bad place ppl are texting me and trying to talk to me in person, but everything I'm hearing just sounds negative even though I know they're trying to help, i just got jealous of you, a perfectly kind stranger on the internet because you have grandchildren and I haven't had a single boyfriend in my life, I'm not ugly I even did commercial modelling at one point, maybe I'm just too weird and damaged idk, when I say I have nothing it's like nooothing, I know I had good times, but everything is so overshadowed right now.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

just got jealous of you, a perfectly kind stranger on the internet because you have grandchildren

I don't have kids. Can't actually. Physically way too much damage to carry to any viable stage even if I were to conceive which isn't likely with PCOS. I also do not have a husband nor a boyfriend.

I was once where you are. I broke my back March of 2009 from a 3 story fall. I have an implanted Medtronic Drug Infusion Pump pumping free base morphine and 2 other medications directly to my spinal canial. I had 2 back surgies in '09 and I was told not that long ago that I will likely be at least partially wheelchair bound in as little as 5 yrs. I have a home healthcare team which allows me to try out new medical products. Some I've kept but most did nothing or very little to help. Nothing helps the horrid chronic pain I stay in day in and day out. It's horribly depressing. I am 36, I cannot walk my dog, ride a bike, nor sleep in a bed (I sleep in a recliner so all my weight is on my butt).

On top of that I have PTSD, BPD, GAD, and likely but not diagnosed agorabphobia. I fear people so bad that a trip to get milk can send me spirialing into the fetal position. Honestly.

I had my dad and step mom here for whatever little comfort they could be but that all ended up falling apart, both now out of my life seeming for good and I am left alone. Completely alone. Why go on any longer in this state physically and mentally?

But in mid Nov, a smart cookie on here suggested I start trying to train my pet dog, whom was already helping me, as a service dog and though that has been very hard, even seeming impossible at times, I am SUPER glad i did. He is being trained for PTSD and mobility up to heavy mobility (pulling me up, pulling wheelchair, bracing heavy weight). And I am organizing training his replacement already.

I can now go to a store and even be excited to go. I have much more freedom and independence with him knowing he is there when I need him for mobility or for mental reasoning. The training alone has been amazingly good for me!

I don't say that to say get/train a service dog (though you can though I have heard it's much harder in Canada then even in the US). I am saying that to say there is hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if you cannot see it right now.

 

[Deleted member 37868]

I don't have kids. Can't actually. Physically way too much damage to carry to any viable st...

wow, I don't know how to make ppl feel better with words, sometimes just connecting with stories is all we can do, I don't understand why some people have to go through so much shit, but I think animals are are truly the one judgment free help and comfort in this world, idk maybe because most of us on here have been hurt by people. I'm definitely considering it more and more, after my dog died this summer I thought I just couldn't again, losing him was so incredibly hard, but the more something means to you the harder it is to lose, I feel a Shakespeare quote in the air, the only real times I feel at peace is with animals or in nature... I'm so glad your dog is helping you

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sorry that you lost your beloved dog this summer, and I really think that some of what you are feeling is grief and it must really be a hard thing to face and deal with on top of the way you feel. I do not have any good words or advise to offer you, but if you want to try talking about how you are feeling and what you are thinking I will listen and hear and believe you. I do know one thing, my husband always used to tell me, you do not know what good is around the corner for you. I lost him to dementia four years ago and it has taken me this long to begin to have a life that has some good in it and I have lived alone for going on three years next summer. Life is really short and goes by so fast. You will have good times in your life once again eventually if you can have a glimmer of hope to hang onto and do not give up on yourself. You are so worth fighting for , and I will believe it for you if you cannot until the day comes when you do. Just hang on to each day, minute by minute if need be. But do write out here all of your feelings that are so pent up within you, it does hurt like hell, but as you begin to release these feelings and examine the thoughts, you will begin to feel a little better, I can guarantee it. Many healing hugs for you.:hug::hug::hug: