Relationship Fiance has ptsd and picks on me..blames everything on me.

[MollyB]

When I first met my fiance (6 years ago), he wasn't like how he is today. He was divorced and has 1 daughter. The first 2 years, things were fine. It wasn't until the 3rd year that he started hanging out with really bad friends and started drinking alot. He finishes a 12 pack of beer every evening and ends the night puking and passing out. He blames everything on me. I own a business and work all day. When I get home, he blames me for not taking out the dishes. He plays the ps4 all day and all of a sudden, the minute I sit next to him, he finds something very small and argues about it. He picks at every little thing. When I try to talk to him, he says I don't understand his ptsd. He leaves me home alone at night alot to go drinking with his friends and when I suggest that he don't drink too much because it's a depressant and his friends are not helping him, he blames me for trying to take over his life and says I have no right to tell him what he can and can't do.

We have been engaged for 2 years now. And every time I talk about a wedding, he brushes it off. It's to the point where I don't think we are going to have a wedding anymore. I try to sit and listen too him but it's so hard when he's throwing things around and says mean things about me..to me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up but nothing seems to work. He goes to the VA and sees a doctor. But refuses to take the meds. He talks suicide alot and I've gone driving in the middle middle of the night quite often to look for him because he's drunk and ran off pissed.

What to do?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Alcohol and PTSD are a wicked combo. Has he ever considered AA or cutting back on the drinking?

 

[mollyB]

I've tried talking to him about cutting back. He won't seek any help. He doesn't even want to talk to his doctor about it. I'm so fed up with having to see him this way and he just takes everything out on me. He is not the man that I met 5 years ago. It's like he doesn't even respect me anymore. It's all just negativity. Is it mean that I feel RELIEF and at ease when he's not home?

 

[Sweetpea76]

At this point in time all you can do is decide what YOU want to do. You're not going to be able to fix this. You can't fix his PTSD and you can't make him stop drinking. This is unfortunately how it is.

The only thing we can control is our own behavior.

Is this something you're willing to tolerate? Can you set any boundaries, and are you willing to enforce them if he doesn't respect them?

 

[EveHarrington]

Chances are, things are only going to get worse from here. I say this given that alcohol is involved and he refuses to help himself.

Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life?

I didn't think so.

I realize you love the man, but you deserve better, you deserve more.

 

[mollyB]

It just hurts alot.. I've given alot to him and done alot for him since being in this relationship. When we first met, he was almost homeless because his ex wife took all his money and he also owed child support. I helped him with his rent..bought him a new car..helped with his daughter and we grew so close. I feel like I've given so much and done so much - I dont want to give up. Its so difficult. It's every day and every night now that he finds fault in everything that I do.

I have realized through the years that eventhough I've done alot for him, I'm often the last person he listens to and the one person he takes out his anger on. I also suspect that he's cheating because his phone goes off all the time and he's very secretive. When I ask about it, he uses his PTSD as an excuse and says his friends are helping him yet..the only friends I've ever seen him with or known of - only wants to drink.

Is it bad that we've become more of roommates than a loving couple? Intimacy is at zero. He doesn't want to hold my hand and doesn't want hugs. He doesn't like to go anywhere with me and doesn't like anything that I like anymore. Every little thing I say, he finds negativity in it. Everything ends with " Im going to commit suicide if you don't shut up" or " I don't want to talk about this " or " Quit being a baby - grow the F*** up " :'(

I've come close to breaking it off and he would beg me not to go.. what's going on?!

 

[Sweetpea76]

he uses his PTSD as an excuse

Im going to commit suicide if you don't shut up"

This is bullshit behavior. I DGAF if he had a brain tumor and and alien brain sucker on top of his PTSD. When you're asking "is this PTSD or bad behavior" this is an example of bad behavior.

These are manipulation tactics.

 

[mollyB]

I've fought hard for this relationship but I just don't think I can do it anymore. Our relationship is no longer a priority to him. I know once I break it off - He will continue to tell me that I don't understand his PTSD. He wasn't like this in the beginning. I dont know what changed. Maybe he doesn't want this relationship anymore.

 

[Justmehere]

with " Im going to commit suicide if you don't shut up" or " I don't want to talk about this " or " Quit being a baby - grow the F*** up " :'(

I agree with @Sweetpea76. This is bad behavior. It's emotional blackmail really. This is more than PTSD, and he's being a jerk.

Next time he does it, take his statements seriously, as if he means it, and go to a private location, call the crisis line in your area and let them know about his statements. They can then come and check in his wellbeing. He will either get help or he'll quit using threats of suicide to try to blackmail you into doing what he wants.

He talks suicide alot and I've gone driving in the middle middle of the night quite often to look for him because he's drunk and ran off pissed.

Are you running after him to try to stop him from ending his life while drunk? Don't keep chasing him. You can't actually stop him if he is serious - he needs professional intervention and your chasing him inadvertently enables him to keep avoiding it. If he makes these statements again, call the crisis line and talk to them about what to do and how to respond. They are there for supporters too and they have the training to make the call on if someone needs to come out and check on his wellbeing. Let them chase him.

It's not at all mean to be relieved when he is not around. This is an unhealthy relationship. You have invested a lot, and it's time to look at helping him in a very different way. By walking away or setting other bright clear boundaries . I think one of the best things you can do for him and yourself now is to set some bright clear boundaries and steer clear of enabling him to stay stuck in these bad behaviors. It's time to take care of you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

He sounds like a full blown alcoholic and until he hits bottom he most likely will get worse, I am sorry to say.

The only one you can help now is you. Please leave this man because I think he is abusing you very much. I know it will be so hard, but you need to start fighting to protect yourself from the abuse he heaps upon you. You are so worth fighting for and the longer the no contact rule stands the happier you will be. He is really sick right now and he needs help badly. It is the addiction that has changed him.

 

[shatter eyes]

(From experience)
Dont leave.. please.

I feel rattled over many things. Overwhelmed and sensitive.
The world which i once belonged and love and long is out of control. I am startled scared frustrated angered and clueless about the things around me. Whats left is what i hold on to. The playstation is more than a gamebox. It is one of the few things that i can control and reset retry challenging myself. It is also a distraction escape tool so i do not drown. Can you see me gripping on to life through a gamepad? When hands are free I drink because it holds me over. The fog and storms inside scare me and i fight back the invisible gremlins. I am truly sorry that behavior has changed. I am fighting struggles inside constantly i cannot reflect on myself my actions or even our relationship. I am weak and mask it from judgement or even the possibility. I push you away because i dont know what i can do or offer. I want to talk but the avoidance defensive emotions over powers me. I nit pick and bitch at everything that stirs into mind. I cannot reset. I feel helpless and lost. The playstation i can reset and know where i can begin once again.

Is it too much for me to ask you to leave me alone...let me be and TELL me you will be there when I have strength and clarity to reach out?

If i say FK OFF.. it means love me from a distance. You go stay and live somewhere else but please care for me. Bring food and hygiene stuff. Sustain my current lowly life.

Get yourself support with such as Alanon. They support group for angels like you. You can also prepare SMART recovery resources for me to fall on when I burn out.

When i rise and wake.. i hope are eyes recognize each others again.

Drink with me sometime.
Ask me to show you how my PS4 works. Genuinely..or i will get mad and shut u out.

Dont argue with me..never argue with a man struggling with life value.

Winters coming. Get me a some apple cider and i may thank you aloud sometime this life. If not...know that i said thanks faintly in my soul.

PS4 and Pints

 

[Ronin]

I was with someone that blamed everything on 'triggers', to the point I couldn't do a thing on my own and think properly because what if some utterly inane expressions like flowers were a trigger, again.

That's not PTSD. That's manipulation. That's controlling behavior, and it won't get better.
I get it may be super hard to see, having been tangled in it for years.

But you're a wonderful caring person and deserve better than him and those lies.
Also: You do deserve a wedding, and a happy married life, if that's what you wish for -
With someone that will actually not use it as just empty promises, and be there for that life, and for you.
He won't be that person.