Gaslighting

[Wjk]

Thank you. I know I have to begin with myself. Let him deal with himself. Xx hope I can return the support. X

 

[BLA]

So I know I have been gaslighted in the past. My oldest daughter's father was cheating on me probably with any woman who would sleep with him. Anyway no matter how much evidence I came across of this he denied it. I even caught him in a bar with a woman's hand prcariously close to his crotch and I was still wrong in thinking he was cheating. If I cried I was just being hysterical. I can't remember all the specifics because I am good at forgetting but I remember coming across descriptions of emotional abuse and gaslighting with him and having an aha moment.
Anyway I think I am being gaslighted now too. Just in little ways because the person who does this I have minimized contact with and I have been explaining it in my head that his brain is just messed up from alcohol but is it? When I have confronted him while drinking with our son which he is not supposed to do he has denied it and claimed he had proof in work UA's? Now looking back at that incident I should have trusted my gut but at the time I was worried I was wrong. Most recently he has said things to me in email and text that just don't up with what I remember. He has accused me of having Corona bottles all over the place in the past which is insane because if I have a6 pack it can stay in my fridge for months. He has claimed I am the reason he doesn't pay child support where he is used to. He loves to call me psycho whenever I try to confront him. A little less than a year ago he yelled at me, "I am going to f**king kill you, you f**king c**t". He denies he ever threatened me. Oh one time while he was sending me unsolicited texts because he recognized my bras I think on some hookup site(No I would not post pics of me in my bra and this is 8 years after I left him so umm different bras now) he started talking about our sex life and I kept thinking no that didn't happen. He has made claims about our old house being dirty when it wasn't.
I still have to deal with this man because he is the father of my son but I am struggling with it. I have gone to only contact by email but am afraid of what he will tell our son. A couple of weeks ago my son came home angry at me for using his Dad's debit card he has sent me intstead of a check when I left him. I was a terrible person for buying my son a stroller with it. Also it is impossible to communicate with someone who goes on the attack if you don't cooperate. Heck I have been attacked over insurance. Called names when I tried to explain how our son can have two insurances. Oh and that is another thing he claims he has always had insurance on him and that is just not true.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Anyway no matter how much evidence I came across of this he denied it.

Nothing will make you feel crazier than being gaslighted. I am sorry that you have to deal with this. I have been watching Narcissitic Abuse on you tube videos and it really helped me to learn so much about the abuse. It really opened my eyes.

I am no authority, yet the videos have helped me to hang on better to my own reality and I have learned so much about gaslighting. I hope that you find what best helps you.

 

[BLA]

I have been wanting to read up on emotional and psychological abuse for awhile now but since money has been tight I haven't gotten the books I want. I have watched some videos on Narcisistic Abuse in the past because I was concerned about things my daughter was experiencing. I didn't even think to relate to other things. I have come to the conclusion that I am really good at fogetting and denial. I don't know why but I always seem to minimize the things that have been done to me. Just barely starting to recognize it. I am so hard on myself but I make excuses for people who hurt me. That's just weird.
Yes it does make me feel crazy doubting my own memory.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have come to the conclusion that I am really good at fogetting and denial. I don't know why but I always seem to minimize the things that have been done to me. Just barely starting to recognize it. I am so hard on myself but I make excuses for people who hurt me. That's just weird.
Yes it does make me feel crazy doubting my own memory.

It happened to me as well. I have tried so hard to be understanding and not jump to conclusions either, yet it is my own denial and forgetting that helped to trap me, now I am being more proactive in my own recovery. You will too. Gaslighting is designed for us to self doubt and question our own reality while abusers re write history so easily.:hug:

 

[BLA]

It happened to me as well. I have tried so hard to be understanding and not jump to conclusions either, ye...

Thank you for saying this. I have been feeling so guilty and angry at myself about it lately. I was so into this delusion that I established contact with my father at one point. He actually asked me to write a letter to the VA stating he didn't do what he did to me and my sisters. The way he said it was like he was distressed to learn what was in the records and can I send a letter to set the record straight. I stopped contact again but I am afraid to tell my sisters this. I don't want them to hate me. I feel so bad though that my denial led me into believing that what was dome to us wasn't that bad. 30 years later me and my sisters are still dealing with the effects but I was convinced ot wasn't that bad. Sometimes I don't like my brain.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

He actually asked me to write a letter to the VA stating he didn't do what he did to me and my sisters. The way he said it was like he was distressed to learn what was in the records and can I send a letter to set the record straight. I stopped contact again

It sounds like he was trying to get you to cover his ass for him. Please notice that he did not confess, did not apologize, did not make amends, all he was interested in was covering his own cupalpability. In wanting you to protect his false image, he was confessing to what he did unwittingly I think. Stand strong and be safe.:hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it's important to remember that there's a difference between gas lighting and lying. It seems like "gas lighting" is the latest, greatest trend. It's not enough for people to say someone is a liar, they say they are gas lighting.....I think in part because it packs more of a punch and garners more sympathy. I'm NOT pointing fingers in this thread, rather I'm commenting on a greater trend I see in the world. It's just sad that people use the term in a way that's not correct, kind of in the same way people claim ptsd in order to validate their experiences, even when they don't have it, and kind of in the way that the word "trigger" is thrown around as its not enough to say that something bothers you.

 

[Ronin]

There's a difference in meaning, @EveHarrington

Plain lies don't leave you questioning your reality and sanity the way gaslighting ones do.
They're frustrating, irritating, leaving voids & doubts, sure - but they don't feel like reality is swimming from under your feet and you're just falling into a black hole. They don't leave you unable to think anymore.

And what's a lie for one, problematic but still a lie, may well have a gaslighting effect on another, because words are complicated and so are people and lives they lived.

So who exactly draws the line? I wouldn't think I can. Because I don't know the individuals' story. I don't know how they think. And even getting to know that, it may not be enough.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you, @Ronin for clarifying the term gaslighting. I tend to agree with your assessment .

 

[EveHarrington]

There's a difference in meaning, @EveHarrington

Plain lies don't leave you questionin...

I really am clueless as to why you respond to me yet have no idea what I'm saying. This happens repeatedly. On ignore.

 

[mumstheword]

People here don't tend to know the term so I've never heard it used inappropriately. Watching the actual movie helped me understand the term more, as I was introduced to it through a close friend who I have bonded with through parallel experiences of relationship abuse and crazy making effects of those kinds of sociopathic gaslighty relationships.
I agree that living with a pathological liar can have gaslighting effects as it makes you second guess your grip on reality.
My ex used to like to tell me I was crazy a lot though, even screamed it in my face for hours one time. I had to live in extreme situations, like living on the road for years with little kids. I had one child in a car park and one in a camping ground. No medical support. Others in extreme out in the woods type conditions; rough, dirty shacks and bush houses, with no care given to me.

I got drugged by him a lot and the drugs loosened my grip on reality even more. Of course if i was ever upset, or ill or asking for what he didn't want to give me, i was "crazy" and he was keeping me safe, from those horrible mental hospitals and giving me drugs to "heal me".
Gaslighting is putting you in extreme situations, situations that cause you to feel distressed, telling the the distress is unwarranted, when it isn't, implying, both implicitly and explicitly, that your grip on reality isn't what it should be, denying things you call them on, things that are true but you will never get an admission from them, bending your mind so much that you believe that it is you that is totally out of your mind, when in fact it is the situation and how twisted it is but you just can't put your finger on what is wrong. Turning others against you, making out they are "protecting you" and saving you from yourself, but really they are exploiting you and manipulating you and brainwashing you into thinking it's all you, and you can't trust your own mind anymore. Making out you are being totally unreasonable when you are, in fact, reacting as anyone would, to horrible, deceitful and abusive behaviour.
I think you, BLA, have been a victim of Gaslighting, by the sounds of it. I think the way these abusive men lie is part of that. It all adds up to make you doubt your sanity and it in fact, destroys sanity, but leaving the relationship is a step towards reclaiming sanity and personal empowerment.