How do i ask for help?

[EveHarrington]

I have been TRYING to ask people for help.

I asked a number of people to reach out to me.

My guy has done a great job of reaching out to me.

My dad reached out once and then stopped giving a shit. (Typical. He doesn't really give a damn beyond himself and what he wants.)

My day program leader has been very supportive so far.

My community outreach person is a problem. She reached out to me ONCE on a Thursday. That was a day I was completely shut down and my phone was off. I didn't reply until Friday evening, and she didn't get the message until Monday as she only checks her phone M-F 8-5. She blamed me for this-----sorry, not my fault your phone is off so don't hold the weekend against me! Now she says that her reaching out to me doesn't work. WTF? See, PROOF that if I am not PERFECT from day 1, I don't get help. She's the trained professional so I think it's BS to give up on me because I struggle with communication.

She also asks me how she can help me. I have NO idea what to ask for. I feel that she's putting 100% of the burden on me to know what I can ask for. I learned from a VERY young age to depend on myself and ask nobody for anything. It pisses me off that I cannot get any help unless I know exactly how she, a g'damn trained professional, can help me. (Gee, I guess that fancy degree is kind of worthless.)

I am asking for ideas on what to say when someone asks me how they can help me. I feel weak in asking for help. I feel dependent. I hate feeling this way. I have NO idea what it's ok to ask for. I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

If I can't fix this problem I'm probably just going to isolate and focus on healing so that I can do everything for myself.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'd be so f*cking hot right now if that community outreach person did that to me. I hear you...

Sure wish I knew what to say but I got your back should you need it... You are far from alone...

 

[Justmehere]

This is a great topic!

I used to loathe, despise, detest, and SUPER hate the feeling of being so vulnerable when asking for help. I still avoid asking for help to the degree people tease me about it. Sigh. I have much to learn. After trauma some people go to the extreme of never doing anything for themselves... and others, become super independent. I became super independent. I can now ask for help a lot better than I could in the past, but I'm still constantly learning better ways to do it.

I can also understand why her "how can i help you?" response feels weird. If someone with cancer goes to the oncologist and says, "I have cancer...."
And the doc responds with "so, how can I help?"
That would be a little weird...

So I get your frustration and confusion about when a mental health care professional does this.

When a mental health care professional is asking "how can I help you?" they are usually actually trying to find a path forward that is meeting the client's needs though - and sometimes it is a sign they are feeling pushed away.

A big part of effectively asking for help isn't so much just the words, but the energy, the non-verbals, when asking for help. If the distress about feeling vulnerable in asking for help is leaking out, someone can ask for help with all the right words, but in a way that actually creates distance.

Effectively asking for help is being able to regulate the distress about the vulnerable feelings as much as possible --- or when that is not very doable, and help is needed with that, to flat out admit, "I'm feeling super stressed about asking for this because..." That helps others not personalize the distress you might be feeling, and pull away as much.

Another suggestion: when someone does come through and help, make a point of telling them it was helpful. It increases the chances they will continue to help.

Is the goal of having others initiate contact with you, instead of you contacting them, to help you overcome your avoidance of contact with people and being so shut down you don't respond? If so, your community outreach person might be thinking that her reaching out to you wasn't enough to overcome how shut down you were so that you were able to respond that same day. She doesn't understand what is helping you and not. Did her reaching out to you help you respond more quickly to her than otherwise? If so, I'd start off the voicemail with her by telling her that. "Hey, when you reached out to me yesterday, it helped me respond instead of continue to avoid as long as I would have otherwise...."

When I first started asking for help from professionals, I always had a list of the top three things I was struggling with. I would read off the list, and then ask, "are these goals you can help me with?"

This uses two communication tools. 1.) This uses the DBT skill called "turning the tables." Puts it a little more in their court. 2.) It also uses a technique called "anchoring." When someone starts off by saying "yes..." they psychologically are more likely to say yes again, pull in, and focus on their part in developing other positive solutions.

Make the request super specific. "Can you help me find some next steps to take to to achieve my goal of reducing avoidance?" Or whatever your goals are right now.

I'd assume that some of what this community outreach person is going to suggest won't actually be helpful. Instead of just saying "that doesn't help...." try re-wording it to again focus on solutions and the positive. "It would be more helpful if [xyz suggestion] also.... [addressed this need or goal]..."

An example: My doctor suggested a specialist that wasn't in a location I could reach. Instead of saying "I can't do that, it's too far away" and leaving it at that, which would probably lead to this impatient doctor being frustrated and "turning the tables" on me to ask "how can I help you?" ...

I replied, "Suggestions on what doctor to see are helpful. Thanks! I can't make it there. It would be great to find one that is near me. Can your nurse or you help me with that?" --- That invited the doctor to keep helping, and in a way that was more helpful to me.

I also highly suggest looking into DBT workbooks - there is a whole section on interpersonal skills - including a heavy focus on specific skills on how to ask for help effectively.

 

[EveHarrington]

This is a great topic!

I used to loathe, despise, detest, and SUPER hate the feeling of being so vu...

The problem is that I have NO idea what to ask for. I have NO idea what is appropriate to ask for. It's not just about feeling vulnerable. I don't know social etiquette. I don't know how I am supposed to behave. I don't know how people can help me. Some dumb DBT book is NOT going to help me figure out what my options are and what I can ask of people!

I seriously want to give up. I can't do this. If I knew how other people could help me, I would have done ALL those things for myself already.

 

[Sideways]

The frustration is coming through loud and clear. Maybe take some prn if you have some and it helps, and break out the self-soothing activities big time. Your distress levels are through the roof, so maybe focus your time right now on bringing them down.

You got a whole heap of good tips and suggestions from @Justmehere ; but you seem too distressed right now to hear things. The cognitive distortions are on overdrive!

Unfortunately, no one has a quick fix. The best we can do is try and offer support, and ideas of thjngs that have worked for us and others. The 'dumb' dbt workbooks? Teach exactly the kind of skills you say you don't have! But I don't think right now is the time. Right now? Is time to bring down the distress levels, and you know what works best for you.

One tip? I think you know that we're here for you. Can't solve it, can't make the pain disappear. But we're here for you. So maybe ease up a bit on the "If no one helps me I'm going to shut everyone out" rhetoric. Because it comes across as a self-defeating threat, and yoh already know that isolation doesn't work for you. You've been there, tried it, it made everything worse.

We are here for you, and I'm sorry it hurts so much. I really am. And I genuinely hope you can find a way to ease the distress levels downwards a bit.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

"I am asking for ideas on what to say when someone asks me how they can help me. I feel weak in asking for help. I feel dependent. I hate feeling this way. I have NO idea what it's ok to ask for. I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

If I can't fix this problem I'm probably just going to isolate and focus on healing so that I can do everything for myself."

"I'm trying to raise my own awareness of all things self by first becoming more aware of my needs and how I can help you to help me better recognize and meet them. Would you please help me brainstorm and at least set up a framework of sorts to help guide my brain through it?"

It's hard to have answers specific enough as each individual who asks if they can help, or who ever we hire to help, will be bringing vastly different possibilities to the table. We could hire 5 highly skilled mental health professionals with the exact same credentials and many years of experience, but they'd still approach things very differently, even if they use the same exact treatment methods.

It seems the biggest struggle lies in finding credentials/personality/communication style that align with ours and most thoroughly match our needs. But if we haven't recognized those needs within ourselves, yet, it complicates our attempts and can easily turn us off from seeking any further assistance. Especially when funds and insurance don't support being able to make choices, or even have the chance to seek help in far too many instances. It feels like a catch 22 in any direction. We're at a disadvantage from the get go in finding these professional helpers, I feel, because we aren't granted complementary visits to most of these offices for any type of in depth interview to see if they'll meet our specific needs, or even be a good fit in healthily working with us to do so.

What would it actually look like for you to be isolated and focusing on healing so that you can do everything for yourself, as you mentioned? Most especially the "focus on healing" part. Cutting all ties with people who are currently offering to help and no longer communicate, or would you include them as an ongoing part of the healing process? Which one of those options would feel to be the most helpful step towards genuine healing based on all of your past experiences combined? Does it have to be an all or nothing scene? Is there a happy medium you can see but not had luck in arriving at yet?

I tried like hell for many years to do it all on my own and say to hell with everyone else, but I learned it simply isn't possible. Although I realize I'm very much alone, if that makes sense. I continue to this day to argue with myself about it, though, determined to finally prove something to myself...and once again am lovingly shown the benefits of reaching out, even if blindly and in hindsight, as it most often is. I also painfully learned which of the most highly recommended avenues simply weren't healthy for me to try to find help on and finally figured out I had to hop off those beaten paths. At some point, we all need somebody to lean on, I've found, and they can arrive at the damnedest times and in some of the strangest places. May your healing thoughts start showing themselves more definitively...and may the other thoughts shut the hell up and give you a break.

 

[EveHarrington]

Bad thread idea.

 

[EveHarrington]

The frustration is coming through loud and clear. Maybe take some prn if you have some and it h...

Please just stop.

Nobody is here for me.

I'm going to figure out how to do it on my own.

 

[Joan]

I am so sorry that you are feeling this. I hear you...I have had similar experiences of feeling like I reached out or someone offered help only to pull it away. I have hated the question "what do you need"...hell if I know. I have realized that sometimes I just need someone to hear me and say/...yes that sucks. I do not know the answer to your question of how to ask for help. I suck at it. I just wanted you to know that I get it. Sorry it is not more helpful.

 

[Lisa McEachern]

I used to be a security guard for 12 years now retired. Sometimes just when i think I'm doing well I'm not. Because of my bipolar spectrum disorder it makes it hard. Like when you worry too much. And instead of trying to relax sometimes it can be hard. I have had nigtmares, flashbacks and for the past 6 months trouble sleeping. But im going to a mental hospital where i can get the help i need to get my life back on track. I guess since the murder of a friend 3 years ago i thought i was coping but im not. Only isolating myself instead if being out in the community. But this will be for the best. Maybe moving to a different city where im not constantly reminded of what happened. Its sad that there is so much violence in the world and that society in general is turning against the emergency services.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm going to figure out how to do it on my own.

Seems like your mind is made up. If you are not ready to change and try something new, and have others help you, then that's totally up to you. If you have weighed the pros and cons of go-it-alone-recovery, and this is your decision, then that's ok. I hope the path you choose works. And it is ultimately your decision -- unless/until things get so bad you are hospitalized again. But in the end, it's still your choice and I respect that.

If you change your mind and want to try some new things, there are people here and (and it seems like a few professionals offline too) who are glad to talk it through with you and many opportunities around you to practice.

 

[EveHarrington]

I got very different feedback from my therapist. I'm going to run with what she told me and work on things that she wants me to do. You are free to believe what you want, that I'm just not going to work on myself until I have my next freak out and want to be hospitalized. But really, this couldn't be further from the truth.