How do i ask for help?

[EveHarrington]

The frustration is coming through loud and clear. Maybe take some prn if you have some and it h...

You didn't even read what I said.

Those books don't tell people what they can ask for!

This is what I was struggling with.

Knowing the social etiquette part of what it's ok to ask for.

Seems like your mind is made up. If you are not ready to change and try something new, and have othe...

I really don't take well to your underlying bullying "help" style that includes the message that I listen to you or else end up hospitalized again. You don't know me and you don't know where I'm at in my healing.

 

[katz]

As I read this thread, it made me start to ask myself what I wanted. I "think" that I know. But, I feel that there is no where to get it. Talk about frustration! I feel like I just took a huge step forward, but I'm still stuck. Uggg.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @EveHarrington , forgive me in advance if I'm short on the words you deserve. :( :hug:

I think naming things or even working on trying to- trying to determine or discuss what you said above (etiquette), or what are goals, or forming a plan of action and why, etc etc- are huge, and individual questions for each person.

When it comes to aking for help, I think sometimes it can be construed (for any of us) that we are waiting to 'pounce' on the smallest mistake or omission, whether as confirmation bias or not. While this can certainly be true, I think in many cases it's the opposite in the name of a whole different type of confirmation bias, overlooking much of what are healthy expectations in any relationship to others, be it personal or professional.

About 2 weeks ago I saw something written about plant care, "that they can go days with neglect but seasons, well, 'then kiss your little friend goodbye' ". And that we all, as humans, decide if our 'care'/ commitment/ help extends beyond 'people like us, our families, or ourselves'.

So including the caveat of healthy and respectful boundaries, we all choose that; it is not 'inappropriate etiquette' to have the respect and time given to you to discuss such qustions, whether it be here or with a T or others. Others' responses, commitment or desire to help, etc, are also based on themselves though, not a reflection of your worth. There are no stupid questions; it is reasonable you should feel comfortable to be able to ask them, discuss them, and put some degree of trust in the responses or their word. I don't think many healthier relationships between people survive irl without people being able to feel comfortable, to be able to trust in the integrity of the other (words match actions), afford respect to one another, have reasonable expectations that are met (eg, this i important for me to talk about, doing so, making a plan, following through, not avoidance), have an expectation of honesty.

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[chade66]

This is a great topic!

I used to loathe, despise, detest, and SUPER hate the feeling of being so vu...

Wow, what an amazing response. Thank from all those listening to this conversation!

 

[Sideways]

You didn't even read what I said.

Whatever you want to tell yourself.

There's only so much bashing I'm willing to take.

 

[EveHarrington]

Whatever you want to tell yourself.

Your reply doesn't align with what I'm actually asking!

 

[Fiadh]

You're right, It's a difficult question, because my response would be- great I'll have a 5* all inclusive holiday somewhere hot please...but I guess that's not what they are getting at.

But in my opinion it's not all on you're worker to do the work. In fact it's going to have to be you doing the majority of the work surely, otherwise you'll be relying on people too much for things you can do yourself.

And in a way you've asked a question, asking for help here and then started getting defensive and picking holes in the responses that have been given to you, people genuinely trying to be helpful and kind and it's like 'no thank you'. Which makes me think do you want the help? Or do you think it's that community persons job to be getting it right and doing all the work?

Glad you've agreed something with your therapist though and hope you get something sorted.

 

[EveHarrington]

Lmao.

Here's what the f*ck is going on.

I asked my community worker for ONE GOD DAMED MOTHER f*ckING THING since JULY!

Oh, what was it, you say?

I asked her to please reach out to me a few times a week.

She got her f*cking panties in a bunch and refused to reach out anymore because I had isolation periods where I wouldn't respond for a few days.

I hate to say it, but this really is BASIC to her f*cking job.

Reach out to your f*cking clients!!!

I'm DONE throwing darts in the dark and trying to guess the ways that she is willing to help me.

I'm going to contact her and ask her for a list of acceptable things I can ask of her given that she is unwilling to even give me something EXTREMELY basic.

So yeah, sorry if I get defensive and reject advice that doesn't fit my problem.

 

[EveHarrington]

And please don't think that I don't see the "likes" that people give.....I do. I notice there are certain people who don't like me and will never talk to me directly, but they "like" any other post where someone says something negative toward me. It's really kind of amusing if I have to be honest. LOL.

 

[desiderata310]

She also asks me how she can help me. I have NO idea what to ask for

This is just a shot in the dark, k?
Have you tried telling her that you don't know WHAT to ask for when you are in need or even possibly not really able to recognize when you are IN need?

I can't say what it's like for you but for me, sometimes, I just feel like I need someone to coach me on THAT.
I've gotten into the habit of just saying (when I'm AWARE I need SOMETHING but not what) just 'I am NOT OK'. It opens the door to communication at least.

I have no idea if that is of any use at all or if I'm talking in circles.
Today I realized I was triggered beyond reason. I sent out an 'early warning text' to my therapist. Basically telling him 'hey, Nothing you can do about it atm, but know that I am in a super shitty spot because of this morning's session and I've done all the self soothing things in my arsenal'
The purpose behind that? putting him on notice. If I can't bring it back down and soon, I'll be texting for more specific help and then if it gets out of hand CALLING and more or less demanding it. I'm not going to know what I NEED, just that I NEED help.


So I'm going to go out on a limb (maybe not having a full understanding of everything) and say maybe a conversation needs to happen between you and community worker lady? Maybe have more concrete things in place? (Don't shoot the messenger!!)
maybe say "I NEED you to call me 1X ever 10 days to talk to me for 15 minutes"
I NEED to be able to have something in place where when I call/text/email/send up smoke signals all I need to do initially is say 'help?' and know that you will spend a little time with me on the phone sorting out what my headspace is so that I can move forward with some assistance from you.

How's do those things sound?
In my head I'm thinking "oh totally reasonable" desi but I may be missing part of the picture.

 

[mumstheword]

I think it's a really Damn good question and i totally relate to it.
I am sooooo timid and loathe to ask for support/attention and because of crappy, self-centred and narcissistic treatment stemming waaaaaay back, I fall into fawn mode a lot. I often find myself thinking how can I make their lives easier and get them to like me, instead of "I'm really in need of support and nurturing to change this dynamic of being treated as through I matter-not, I'm lesser than others, my broken state is nobodies concern, I have to give but can expect nothing in return, i have to be stronger than everybody and never burden them with my needs etc etc" , which are all part of the cognitive distortion that long term neglect /abuse/ trauma taught me.
I tend to intuitively gauge their capacity and then just make do with whatever they want to offer me.
Having said that I've been harmed by professionals putting themselves in a position where I open up and really show them how much support I need and have them dishonourably avoid meeting my needs and/or fail to clearly let me know that they are not up to the job. It can really f*cking hurt, because it takes soooooo much courage to open up and be vulnerable with them, it risks so much, that when they fail us.....man that sucks.
I've NEVER had the courage to ask for home calls and check-in with anybody, so I commend your courage in, at least, asking.

I know this hasn't answered your question
Eva, but I just wanted to offer some empathy and encouragement.
I'm feelin' ya.

 

[Fiadh]

I'm going to contact her and ask her for a list of acceptable things I can ask of her given that she is unwilling to even give me something EXTREMELY basic.

That sounds like a good idea, especially if she's not been helping you. Hope you work it out together