Not tonight

[Deleted member 38906]

I've been feeling like pulling the trigger tonight. The deal I made with myself was I would post this and if I still felt suicidal in the morning, then I could do it then.
I just feel really stuck in my situation. As you probably know from my posts I've been doing alot of therapeutic work including therapy, coping activities, self care etc. But tonight I realized no matter how much I try to heal I'm always going to be stuck in a very difficult situation. I'm always going to be stuck with myself who is part evil and sadistic

..i have a very complicated relationship with my mother. There's a history of childhood abuse and she's not the most affectionate mother. But she tries. She cooks and cleans and even though she's not very loving with her words she shows it in those other ways. I feel kind of stuck in the past though. I hate her so much and every little thing about her bothers me. The way she breathes talks looks etc. I cant stand her. I want to hurt her. In fact I enjoy hurting her and making her feel like she's meaningless to me. I wish she never existed. I want her to suffer. I enjoy watching her suffer. She knows this andt she confronted me about it today crying asking me why I hate her so much. In my head I was like seriously, I grow up with you beating me up and telling me I have broken glass in my soul and you expect me to brush it all off like nothing ever happened. f*ck that.

I felt like an evil piece of shit though. It made the suicidal feelings come up. It's hard to live with myself knowing that I'm part evil.

So it would make sense for me to move out you would think. Not that easy. The few times I've tried moving out I fall into a deep dark depression, so bad that I would rather die.

And it's not easy for me to just be ok around my mom and not be triggered. So much anger comes out when I'm round her that is blinding. I don't know what to do. I feel so stuck emotionally even though I'm physically and financially free. It's almost like a part of me doesn't want to leave my mom. When she's not around I start to miss her and long for her presence. I tell myself even if she just cooks it'll still be like the past maybe we can redo everything. Maybe it'll all be alright. I fear that if I leave home, I'll have to say goodbye to the past. I want justice for everything that happened. I can't just move on even though she tells me it's wrong to hold a grudge like this.

Hopeless

 

[ninja]

Is there a place you can go to express some of the anger? Kickboxing, tearing paper, a friend's house where you can yell into a pillow and get a little bit of space?

I think it is very important you know that your reactions and responses to her, while currently they seem and feel evil, wrong and exaggerated, maybe just mean you need some space. That doesn't mean you have to move out, but just a bit of space and room to breathe for you.

I am sorry she has hurt you and is unable to see her own immaturity. You aren't responsible for her, and you get to have a space where you can be vitriolic and upset, which may at first manifest as seething rage at her. The anger will evolve as you have the opportunity to express it in a place that is safe to, where expressing your truth won't hurt anyone. Those places do exist. Take really good care. Sending appreciation and support.

 

[SpacemanSpiff]

Good move on waiting. So you were saying to yourself when she confronted you about all of those past abuses. I think that is great that you acknowledge that to yourself because you don't owe her anything as she knows what she did. Yes cooking and cleaning are great but scars can run deep. You see a T. Superb! Can you hold off until your next appointment to mull your feelings over with him or her?

Here in the states when I told my T about suicidal thoughts I ended up in the emergency room. No one likes an inpatient stay but is that possible for you if needed? As Ninja suggested that may give you a bit of space to regroup.

You say you are evil and sadistic. Is that due to past trauma? It looks like you don't enjoy that part of yourself so perhaps you cannot be the one to blame.

Do you have any ideas about what or where you want to be in life that would make you content? If so, perhaps that's where you need to focus. Happiness is very elusive but you mentioned that you are doing self care so I figured you might have mulled it over.

I hope you decide to choose an alternative path by the morning. I wish I could give you some better advice but I've been where you are many times. I feel it does get better but an open pit can still be dark at high noon.

 

[Freida]

Can you call a Crisis line? They might be able to help you put your anger into context ...or at least enough context to get you thru until you can get to your T. You also might ask about this... I think its pretty common for abused kids to still want their moms and dad at the same time that they hate them. If that's true then that might help you dial down some of the evil feelings you have towards yourself because you want her to suffer. Maybe the love/hate thing is normal for the situation? Horrible yes! But maybe its a natural reaction?

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Thanks @Freida @SpacemanSpiff and @Ninja. Reading your responses made me calm down a bit.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Is there a place you can go to express some of the anger? Kickboxing, tearing paper, a friend's house whe...

I usually do stuff after work so I can blow off steam but these past few days I've been sick stuck at home.
It feels like weird exaggerated behavior to me because both my brother and mom look at me as if I'm crazy. My mom even tells me that I behave so strange sometimes (irritability) that I'll end up having to live inside a cage all alone :(
Thanks for your support. I'm glad I made it through the night.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Good move on waiting. So you were saying to yourself when she confronted you about all of those p...

It was so hard to wait. I had all these difficult emotions bubbling inside of me and all I wanted to do was hurt myself as a form of punishment for feeling so evil. It's not a great feeling when you make your mother cry no matter how much she has hurt you. Posting on here really helped. It was a really good outlet.

I don't think she believes what she did was a big deal. When I confronted her about it in my teens, she got mad. I told her she shouldn't have hit me so much growing up but she got really defensive and said it's her god given right to discipline her kids how ever way she wants. and she said that I am the way I am today (good grades in school) because of her discipline.

A few years ago, she asked me why i held so much resentment towards her. My eyes teared up and I was about to tell her but before I could say anything she went "you can tell me why you're mad at me so much, but know that children exaggerate things that happen to them". I was quickly reminded why I've never been able to be vulnerable with her.

My mom had a heavy hand. Ok fine, she didn't know any better and her own mom treated her that way too. But what I can't forgive is how she never apologized, she never went out of her way to repair things with me. Not then and not now. and I hate her for that and want to make her pay. I want her to feel everything I did. I want her to feel small and helpless. to feel like shes not loved and nobody cares about her. I want her to feel all alone in this world and invisible. I hate her so much it makes the blood in my veins boil. I don't know if this is because I am sadistic (bc my brother who was also hit and yelled at adores her) or because of all the history between us.

Thankfully, I see my T tonight. I say thankfully but I'm not sure I'll be able to talk about all my feelings so openly with him. For reasons I dont understand, as soon as I walk into his office I feel fine and all the anger goes out the window. He asks how was your week and I always say it was fine.

What I want in life is to move out and to create my own family. But I feel incapable. I'm 31 (and not hideous) and I haven't had a single relationship in my entire life. I can't get close to people. Intimacy hurts too much. I want my own family but when I think about having kids I immediately hate the child that would be born. I feel like I have my mom's spell following me. When I was a teen, she cast a spell on me and said that bc she is my mother, it's irreversible and will follow me for the rest of my life. She said I hope when you grow up and have kids you will get what I got in life. Children just like yourself that will make your life miserable. I'm afraid of the child that is waiting to make that spell come true.

I apologize for the long response. sometimes when I think about the past, things just pour out.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Can you call a Crisis line? They might be able to help you put your anger into context ...or at least...

Yes, my T keeps telling me the same thing..that these are normal reactions. He says it's not you, it's what happened to me. I believe him for a split second but when I go home and see my mom and bro so close and intimate I can't help but feel like there is something wrong with me.

 

[Freida]

For reasons I dont understand, as soon as I walk into his office I feel fine and all the anger goes out the window. He asks how was your week and I always say it was fine.

Take this with you tonight and go over it with him. It would make sense to me that the anger goes away when you are there....he is someone who listens to you!! But he needs to know how much you are hurting. Maybe showing him this thread will help.

And I'm happy you are still with us!!!

 

[SpacemanSpiff]

Awesome Moo. Glad to see your post. Actually I'm superglad. Keep trucking there dude.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

I saw T tonight and it was a great session. Something he said really resonated with me and gave me peace about my behavior towards my mom.

He said I think you have a lot of frustrated needs from mom and that makes you angry and when you see how close your brother and mom are, that just feels like torture to you because it reminds you of what you didn't get from your relationship with her. That can be really painful.

He kept reassuring me that I'm not evil. He even said you love horses. Horses are sensitive animals. Therefore you cannot be evil. Weird logic but it made me smile.

And at end he just said not matter how many times you say you are evil, it won't stop me from liking you. I really do feel like your mom missed out on a lovely relationship with you and that makes me sad.

I just cried all the way home. It feels good to have someone on my side. I feel like I can coexist with my angry part a bit better. I know that she's angry for a good reason.

 

[Ronin]

I can't help but feel like there is something wrong with me.

The thing is, even IF there were something wrong with you (and I doubt that), that still does not mean you deserve to be treated badly, or that you have ever deserved that kind of maltreatment.